Trapped

Put that down
Don't go in there
Don't touch that
Take that out of your mouth
Spit that out
Don't draw on that
Sit down
Eat that
Don't eat that
Don't bite me
Don't bite him
Don't bite that
Don't bite her
Don't say that
Be Quiet

So much of my kids' life is being told what to do and what not to do. It's part of the parent/child relationship and it is meant to keep our children safe and prevent them from growing up and becoming total a-holes. The preceding list of commands represents roughly 40 seconds of a day in my home.
This is why I think that it's important to let my kids make up some of the rules when we are playing a game.

My hope is that giving them little opportunities to have some control will keep them from totally losing their minds when they move out and going Full Bieber. By the way if saying Full Bieber isn't a thing yet,  it should be.

That, dear reader, is how I ended up in this prison.  Not a real prison mind you,  but restricted to the kitchen, children's room and laundry room by wall made of pillows, blankets, kitchen chairs, and one almost 4 year old.

The Littlest Corrections Officer

For whatever reason Merritt just decided that I was not allowed to leave this area.  I figured that I could talk my way out of this as I talk my way out of most things.  Alas my jailer proved more clever that I anticipated.

"Where will I go to the bathroom?"
Go downstairs
"What if I get hungry?"
You can use the kitchen
"How will I go to work?"
You can drive one of the little cars downstairs (toy car).
"What about new clothes?"
Get them out of the laundry room.
"But there is no shower. How can I get clean?"
You can just wash your armpits in the sink.
"In the sink?"
Yes, you can use toothpaste.
"Toothpaste in my armpits?"
Yes, it will work fine.
"What about mowing the lawn?"
Mom can do that.

Honestly, I tried to out maneuver her for 60 minutes and she had an answer for every scenario. I was pretty sure that her attention span would lapse after 15 or so minutes but such was not the case.

I suppose I could have been irritated that I was tied up for a whole hour. But it was fun, also I'm very aware of the fact that before I know it my kids may not want to spend 5 minutes with me much less a whole hour.

One of the hardest things for me to do is to slow down. Every once in a while something like this happens and reminds me that my main job as a parent is not to do laundry, clean the kitchen, mow the lawn, or even go to work.  My main job as a parent is to be a parent.  Sometimes that means to play when the opportunity presents itself.  If you need any other reminders of this then click here.

Cheers

L&P

Can You Keep A Secret?

          As many of you know half of the writers of L&P work in mental health. This field of work is simultaneously rewarding and frustrating. Rewarding because helping someone who needs help is always rewarding. Frustrating for many reasons but the reason I would like to focus on today is how the field in which I work is misrepresented.

When I was a kid I thought that mentally ill people all thought that they were Napoleon and got locked up for their own good and to keep them from accidentally conquering all of Europe. This was due to the way in which the mentally ill were portrayed in Warner Bros. cartoons. Now that I work in mental health I have learned that there is somewhat more nuance to mental health than simply putting shackles on anyone that tucks their hand into their shirt.

          It is important to let those that do not work in this field know that the Hollywood version of the world of mental health is inaccurate to the point of damaging.  Specifically the way in which a client's personal and confidential information is handled.  

          If you have watched more than a couple of episodes of Law & Order SVU then you have more than likely seen an episode where the detectives interview a therapist (or other mental health worker). The conversation usually goes something like this,

Detective: I’m a detective; tell me everything about this person.

Therapist: I can’t, because of rules.

Detective: I will destroy you!

Therapist: Oh ok, let me tell you everything then.

Look at my hairline and fear me!

In reality the conversation is more like this.

Detective: I’m a detective; tell me everything about this person.

Therapist: I can’t because of rules.

Detective: Oh, right, there are rules. Ha ha, as a matter of fact, now that I think about it, following and enforcing rules is pretty much my job.

Therapist: Yeah, can you imagine how much it would suck if you were just going around violating peoples civil rights all the time.

Detective: You are right, that would suck.

Both: Ha Ha Ha!

Therapist: Let’s make out.

Detective: Ok.

          I may have taken a little dramatic license with that but I think you catch my drift.

          This is damaging because many people that seek professional help are ashamed of the fact that they need help. Many of the problems that can be worked through with therapy are embarrassing and the idea that one’s inner most demons are up for discussion with anyone is terrifying to the point that some individuals would rather die than know that the trust placed in their therapist was betrayed.

Those considering seeking help for mental health issues may decide to avoid it because the privacy rules seem so lackadaisically enforced in pop culture. Those that work in the mental health field treat their clients’ privacy with care and seriousness. If a client does not trust those that are working with them then the therapeutic relationship is ham stringed. It would be like working as a carpenter but having a prejudice against hammers.

It's just to easy

Thanks to this portrayal of the privacy rules between a therapist and their client it may be thought by the general public that these rules are no more obeyed than rules regarding jaywalking, internet piracy, or the usage of folding chairs in professional wrestling.
If you'd like to read up more on privacy in mental health then check this out HIPAA.

Please dear reader know that if you are considering seeking help from a mental health professional that your privacy is of the utmost importance to those that would help you. If you are already involved in with a mental health professional know that your privacy is secured.
However, if you think that you are Napoleon, then know this, Waterloo is a great song by Abba, but not a place I recommend you visit.

Cheers,

L&P

Ways in Which Toddlers Are Indistinguishable From Total Assholes

Toddlers are adorable fun sized curious human beings exploring and learning about the world around them.  Their new found mobility allows them access to parts of the world that was previously only a dream (the kitchen counter) and their ability to manipulate their environment allows them the opportunity create new and fascinating learning experiences (throwing eggs at the refidgerator).  Alas, as they pilot the ship that is their body they do so with zero social grace and a total lack of understanding of the social contract.  Which brings us to this incomplete but accure list of ways in which toddlers are TOTAL ASSHOLES.

• They knock things out of your hands for seemingly no reason what so ever.  Important things too; like coffee or launch codes.  As a side note, this is why there is a federal law against allowing children ages 18 months to 5 years old into the Oval Office.
• They spill things with little to no regret.  Not only do they spill things, but they have the audacity to look at you as its about to happen, as its happening, and shortly after it has happened.  Then act surprised and say, "Uh Oh!"  What do you mean Uh OH you little psycho!? You KNEW you were going to do that! What twisted game are you getting at!?
• They demand use of your phone.  OK I'm pretty guilty of disappearing into my phone when I should be more present from time to time.  But the toddlers in my house do not have face book accounts, lack the general understanding of world events that would necessitate checking the news, are illiterate, and have NO ONE to call.  99% of the people they know are usually in the room with them.  Even when they do talk to the occasional grand parent, toddlers really don't hold up their end of the conversation. 
• They pull down your pants for their own amusement.  In truth this may be an accident because they are still getting used to standing on their own and pants are pretty easy for their chubby little digits to grip onto when they are about to flail to the ground.  But they also seem to only use my pants to keep them up when I am trying to move from one end of a room to another.  They stop my foreword momentum and I'm forced to stand stupidly in the middle of the room like a pile of tacos, or like I got lost on my way to the dishwasher... speaking of.
• They won't let you finish anything.  What kind of a soulless monster crawls into your dishwasher when you are trying to fill it with dishes?  If this was anyone but a toddler you would just assume that the person was a few coconuts short of a luau and call them men with white jackets and butterfly nets. But NOOOOO when a toddler does it it's "adorable".
• Their grasp of language seems to only mock you.  My toddler is constantly apologizing for things that she is not sorry for.  I know she is not sorry because she does it ten times in a row, apologizing each time.   Then laughs at me.  Then does it an 11th, 12th and 13th time. 
• They are completely intolerant of letting you rest, even for a second.  Oh did you think you were going to sit down for two minutes, not while I have feet and you were careless enough to leave a quarter and three nickels on the dinning room table. I wonder what they taste like? Only one way to find out.  I guess I'll wait until you are comfortable though.  GACK!!!
• They are trying to drive you mad.  Of course the remote to the television is inside a Ladybug Back Pack.  Why wouldn't it be there?
• They won't eat the food you prepared.  Or the food that they demanded you prepared instead. Or the food that is in the house.  Unless of course it is in the trash and your back is turned.

Ok so obviously this list is in meant to be in good fun.  I love all of my children and wouldn't live my life any othe way.  The boys are now both walking and as a result, we are constantly on our toes and trying to take preventative meaures to stop emergencies and hospital visits before they start.  This wouldn't be such a big deal, but they are also on our toes; and our legs, and on the entertainment center, and on the dining room table.  You'll excuse me for now, I appear to have a little boy crying on my rooftop. 

Cheers

L&P

Positives and Negatives

One of the things that I've learned about being a parent is that many of the acheivements that we look forward to for our children is followed rather quickly by a scamble to adjust to the new abilities that our offspring have acquired.  It's a bit of a swindle in that every proud moment contains with it immidete regret and anxiety about our how life must now adjust to the trickier circumstance.

For instance:

Yay! My kid can roll over on their own!
Crap! Now I have to worry about them falling off of the bed!

Yay! My kid is crawling!
Crap! Now I have to put up baby gates!

Yay! My kid can stand!
Crap! Now he can knock my coffee off of the counter top!

Yay! My kid can walk!
Crap! Now I have to chase her!

Yay My kid is talking!!!
Crap! Now she can be called to testify against me!

Yay! My kid can use the toilet on her own!
... actually there isn't a down side to this one.

Yay! My kid is going to preschool!
Crap! Now I don't have an excuse to not post to the blog as often.

Yay! My kid entered first grade!
Crap! I may have to explain during parent teach conferences how my kid knows so much about zombies.

Yay! My kid is enterting middle school!
Crap! Middle school sucks.

Yay! My kid has her first boyfriend!
Crap! Now we have to leave the state!

Yay! My kid is entering high school!
Crap! I'm old enough to have a kid in high school!

Yay! My kid is getting his learners permit!
Crap! I have to start guilt tripping him about the negative impact that cars have on the enviroment and that mass transit is what cool people really do.

Yay! My kid got her drivers license!
Crap! I have to weigh the options between potentially dieing in a car crash or spending the next 20 years in prison for intentionally blinding my child.

Yay! My kid is graduation high school!
Crap! I have to try to remember what I did before all of this started!

Yay! My kid is starting college!
Crap! I have to look into how much my kidney's are worth on the black market!

Yay My kid is dropping out of college to pursue a career as a street performer!
Crap! My kid is moving back in!

Yay! My kid is going back to school!
Crap! I'm nearly out of kidneys!

Yay! My kid is graduating college!
Crap! I have a kid old enough to graduate college!

Yay! My kid is having a kid!
Crap! Didn't I just start this whole process?

Obiously I'm speculating on some of these, but I'm already pre-stressing.  The boys are walking, Merritt is talking, Maggie is entering High School and the 16 year old will start working towards her license any day now.  Where does the time go?

Cheers,
L&P

The Purest Love & The Deepest Hate

Spring is upon us and with it, spring time outside activities. For our little Merritt, that includes enjoying the swing in our back yard. She can spend hours gliding through the air with the happiest expression that anyone has ever had plastered on her face. I enjoy this as well since it really is minimal effort on my part, and I get to feel like I'm a good parent since my kid is not in front of the TV.

This last week, during one such outdoor excursion I was pleased to hear her ask, “Dad, do you want me to push you?” This made me feel like the king of all success. Not only was my child enjoying herself and lost in a state of bliss known only to toddlers. But she apparently thought to herself, “This is so awesome, I love the way this feels. I also love dad! I should help him feel like this!” My child has learned reciprocation. Not only that but she wants to spread joy in the world. My kid is already more generous and thoughtful than many adults I have encountered.

“No thank you Merritt.” I declined the offer.

“Why not dad?” She did look truly surprised that anyone would turn down this unbridled freedom that she was experiencing.

“Because it makes me happy to see you happy Merritt. You look really happy right now. Are you happy?” This is spill over from my work, trying to help kids identify positive emotions and such. Imagine my surprise when my child's face suddenly darkened and she replied in the negative.

“No? Why not Merritt?”

“Spiders.”

“Do you see any spiders?”

“No daddy, I just don't like spiders.”

But I hug at four times human capacity!

It would seem that my child's hatred of spiders is so pure that even their existence taints any and all other activities. In her mind; pleasure and spiders cannot exist in the same realm. I could have tried to explain to her that spiders eat bad bugs and might even save lives by getting rid of bugs that spread disease, but her world is not that big yet.

Then I got to thinking, maybe she knows something that I don't. I did some research and here are some facts that you may not have known about spiders.

• Spiders are responsible for 58% of movie spoilers on Facebook
• Spiders were the ones that pitched Jar Jar Binks to George Lucas
• The director of Batman and Robin as well as Batman Forever; Joel Schumacher is a spider
• Nickelback is made entirely of spiders
• Hitlers mustache was actually spiders
• Spiders lay eggs in your hair when you are asleep, they burrow into your skull and give you dreams about peeing the bed. Then guess what happens. That's right, and it's all thanks to spiders.
• Spiders sold weapons to the Taliban in 1994
• Every reality show has a spider as an executive producer.
• Spiders are responsible for all anti vaccine propaganda
• Spiders routinely force flight delays
• Spiders are the ones eating half a doughnut then leaving it in the box at the office to go stale

Now I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but this looks pretty bad for the arachnids. Someday my kid and I will talk about the food chain and the importance of a balanced ecosystem and how every creature fits a role thanks to natural selection, except for Jar Jar. But for now, I will deal with her dislike of spiders the way every responsible parent does.

With extreme prejudice

Cheers

L&P

In Defense of the Duke

I've seen the movie Frozen like a million times by now as has everyone else with children and I've noticed two huge plot holes that seem to be escaping most everyone else. They are as follows.

The Duke of Weselton is the hero of Frozen.

The Good Guy

 He is the representative of Arendelle's largest trade partner (the place where the queen comes from) and his first question is basically, “Hey you guys never call us? WTF?” This isn't an unreasonable question since the lively hood of his people could be in danger. Imagine the anxiety of never knowing whether or not your kingdom was going to have much needed food, timber, or singing rocks (I'm not sure what the chief export is of Arendelle) and it was your job to keep it rolling in. But the people on the other end of the line kept sending your calls direct to voice mail like you were calling from Visa. No wonder the Duke is a little miffed, and he handles it very well, even offering to dance with the Queen and princess.

Later, he orders his men to take out the Queen who has gone all nutty nuts and froze, for all we know, everything. There are no on screen deaths, I mean it's Disney, they usually don't show that kind of thing, just hinting at it and leaving the conclusion to our gruesome imaginations.

Yeah we didn't see Scar get torn apart and eaten alive by Hyenas, but you totally know that it happened. We didn't see Clayton hung from his neck and die on screen in Tarzan, I mean we saw the shadow, and that was pretty shocking for the little ones, but we got the picture. Anyways, we don't see the residents of Arendelle freezing to death or the crops that were destroyed or the countless other tragedies that probably occur when there is a sudden Ice Age, but they are implied. Didn't you see The Day After Tomorrow? Basically all of that shit happened. So yeah, the Duke may have been a bit heartless, but he was trying to save lives of the residents of Arendelle and for all we know, the rest of the world, by taking out Elsa. Remember when Spock said the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few, same thing.

Towards the end of the movie, Elsa announces that Arendelle is no longer going to be doing any trade with Weselton. I hate to break it to you movie watchers, but after putting her kingdom through a natural disaster, and accidentally murdering no small amount of her own people, it might not be in her best interest to also leave them unemployed. Elsa is kind of a short sighted shitty ruler.

The Trolls are the Villains

Evil Dicks

In the beginning of the movie we see Elsa accidentally freeze Anna's brain. They are then taken to the trolls where we learn that the king of the Trolls has the ability to relieve Elsa of her powers. Instead he chooses not to and encourages her parents to isolate her from all human contact. The parents then fire most of their staff in the castle to ensure that their daughters never learn social skills apparently. 

 That must have been an awkward conversation with the unemployment office by the way.

There seems to be no motivation to allow Elsa to keep her powers by the way. It's not like she needed them to battle a fire breathing dragon that needed to be frozen or something, that would have sort of made sense. The trolls could have spent some time with her teaching her how to control her powers Professor X style, rather than encouraging her to stuff her feelings deep inside and then act surprised when she acted like a 2 liter of diet Coke stuffed with Mentos and capped.

 Also, the trolls kidnap Kristoff. In the beginning of the movie we see a young Kristoff harvesting ice next to adults. He then follows a young Elsa and company to the trolls where he witnesses them magic her up when he is discovered and kidnapped by the trolls. No explanation as to why he is working so young. He could be an orphan, or he could just as easily be working because his parents are ill, we don't know. If that is the case then the trolls just doomed his parents to starve to death after stealing their only child and his reindeer. One troll just things he's cute and says, “I'll keep you.” and we are all supposed to be cool with that. I could go into the fact that it is implied that Kristoff and his reindeer are romantically involved in the song “Fixer Upper” but I won't. The trolls are dicks because they know that she can be dangerous and yet not only do nothing, but seem to ensure that she will someday have a melt down (worst pun ever) by giving the parents shitty counsel.

Before I say good bye I'd like to one last time remind you that we have a few raffle tickets left if you feel like supporting our oldest on her trip to Europe.  You can get more information about that HERE.

How to Eat a Doughnut in 100 Easy Steps

How to Eat a Doughnut in 100 Easy Steps

(a guide for parents of large families)

1. Remove doughnut from the box you purchased yesterday. Come on you didn't think you were going to get it the first day did you? Sucker.
2. Place doughnut on a plate.
3. Put the plate someplace that the babies cannot reach it.
4. Move plate to someplace that the toddler cannot reach it.
5. Notice poopy diaper.
6. Prepare to change the daiper.
7. Remove babies onesie.
8. Begin to remove diaper.
9. Move babies hand away from poop.
10. Move babies hand away from poop again.
11. Wipe poop from your hand.
12. Complete diaper removal.
13. Wipe baby clean with baby wipe.
14. Pick up second baby.
15. Place second baby away from first baby.
16. Wipe poop from second babies hand.
17. Wipe poop from your own hand again.
18. Finish wiping first baby clean.
19. Wipe poop from your own hand again.
20. Remove second babies hand from first babies genitals.
21. Move baby two farther away.
22. Fasten diaper on baby one.
23. Look longingly at doughnut.
24. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for second baby.
25. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for toddler.
26. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for first baby again.
27. Forget doughnut existed.
28. Remove laundry from drier.
29. Move laundry from washing machine to drier.
30. Start new load of laundry.
31. Start new episode Paw Patrol for the toddler.
32. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for baby number two again.
33. Make mental note to wash hands before making lunch.
34. Begin making lunch.
35. Shrug shoulders, wash hands.
36. Notice doughnut.
37. Place babies in high chairs.
38. Reach for doughnut.
39. Catch baby falling from high chair.
40. Fasten baby into high chair, for real this time.
41. Give babies and toddler lunch.
42. Pick up food from floor because toddler, “DOESN'T WANT CARROTS!”
43. Pick up and comfort crying toddler because you said she needed to have one bite.
44. Look longingly at doughnut.
45. Get toddler crackers and cheese.
46. Pick up crackers and cheese from the floor because toddler, “WANTS CARROTS!”
47. Remove babies from high chairs.
48. Forget about doughnut.
49. Make quesadilla for the 14 year old.
50. Start “North Avenue Irregulars” for the 14 year old.
51. Remove climbing babies from the table top.
52. Gather bottles for all interested parties.
53. Remove babies from the table top again.
54. Lay all chairs in the house on their sides to prevent babies from climbing on the table top.
55. Lay toddler in bed surrounded by books.
56. Offer eternal soul to Jesus, Satan, Buddha, Odin, Kirk Cameron, Aquaman, Morgan Freeman, and anyone else willing listen to ensure the toddler takes a nap.
57. Pick up crying baby number 1.
58. Change diaper.
59. Pick up both crying babies and adjust bottles their mouths.
60. Answer door with foot.
61. Politely decline religious solicitation while attempting to set fire to hand held pamphlets with your mind.
62. Set down crying babies in order to attend to screaming toddler.
63. Refill toddlers nap time beverage of choice.
64. Remember doughnut.
65. Pick up babies and bottles.
66. Rock until baby is asleep.
67. Attempt to set baby in crib.
68. Pick screaming baby back up.
69. Repeat step 66.
70. Attempt to set down baby number two.
71. Repeat steps 66 through 68.
72. Sob uncontrollably.
73. Place babies in cribs.
74. Repeat step 49.
75. Help 15 year old with homework.
76. Listen to 15 year old pitch idea about Firefly fan fiction.
77. Dick around on Facebook for 3 minutes.
78. Remember doughnut.
79. Repeat steps 28 through 30.
80. Repeat step 68.
81. Attempt to use restroom.
82. Release remaining pride as screaming and thrashing baby attempts to deseat you from atop the toilet while being held in your arms.
83. Repeat step 72 and 66.
84. Attempt to clean kitchen while holding sleeping baby.
85. Remember doughnut.
86. Attempt to set baby down on couch.
87. Repeat step 68.
88. Offer crying baby bottle, toys, and money in that order.
89. Place sleeping baby on couch.
90. Repeat step 77.
91. Repeat steps 50 and 56.
92. Return to doughnut.
93. Search for doughnut.
94. Find 15 year old.
95. Watch as 15 year old devours the last of the doughnut.
96. Contain unfathomable despair and rage.
97. Repeat step 57.
98. Change diaper.
99. Repeat step 72.
100. Begin cooking dinner.

Well kids that is a peak into our daily lives. I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget we still have some raffle tickets for sale here. We appreciate all of the support we have received thus far and are close to reaching our goal.

Cheers.

L&P