Ways in Which Toddlers Are Indistinguishable From Total Assholes

Toddlers are adorable fun sized curious human beings exploring and learning about the world around them.  Their new found mobility allows them access to parts of the world that was previously only a dream (the kitchen counter) and their ability to manipulate their environment allows them the opportunity create new and fascinating learning experiences (throwing eggs at the refidgerator).  Alas, as they pilot the ship that is their body they do so with zero social grace and a total lack of understanding of the social contract.  Which brings us to this incomplete but accure list of ways in which toddlers are TOTAL ASSHOLES.

• They knock things out of your hands for seemingly no reason what so ever.  Important things too; like coffee or launch codes.  As a side note, this is why there is a federal law against allowing children ages 18 months to 5 years old into the Oval Office.
• They spill things with little to no regret.  Not only do they spill things, but they have the audacity to look at you as its about to happen, as its happening, and shortly after it has happened.  Then act surprised and say, "Uh Oh!"  What do you mean Uh OH you little psycho!? You KNEW you were going to do that! What twisted game are you getting at!?
• They demand use of your phone.  OK I'm pretty guilty of disappearing into my phone when I should be more present from time to time.  But the toddlers in my house do not have face book accounts, lack the general understanding of world events that would necessitate checking the news, are illiterate, and have NO ONE to call.  99% of the people they know are usually in the room with them.  Even when they do talk to the occasional grand parent, toddlers really don't hold up their end of the conversation. 
• They pull down your pants for their own amusement.  In truth this may be an accident because they are still getting used to standing on their own and pants are pretty easy for their chubby little digits to grip onto when they are about to flail to the ground.  But they also seem to only use my pants to keep them up when I am trying to move from one end of a room to another.  They stop my foreword momentum and I'm forced to stand stupidly in the middle of the room like a pile of tacos, or like I got lost on my way to the dishwasher... speaking of.
• They won't let you finish anything.  What kind of a soulless monster crawls into your dishwasher when you are trying to fill it with dishes?  If this was anyone but a toddler you would just assume that the person was a few coconuts short of a luau and call them men with white jackets and butterfly nets. But NOOOOO when a toddler does it it's "adorable".
• Their grasp of language seems to only mock you.  My toddler is constantly apologizing for things that she is not sorry for.  I know she is not sorry because she does it ten times in a row, apologizing each time.   Then laughs at me.  Then does it an 11th, 12th and 13th time. 
• They are completely intolerant of letting you rest, even for a second.  Oh did you think you were going to sit down for two minutes, not while I have feet and you were careless enough to leave a quarter and three nickels on the dinning room table. I wonder what they taste like? Only one way to find out.  I guess I'll wait until you are comfortable though.  GACK!!!
• They are trying to drive you mad.  Of course the remote to the television is inside a Ladybug Back Pack.  Why wouldn't it be there?
• They won't eat the food you prepared.  Or the food that they demanded you prepared instead. Or the food that is in the house.  Unless of course it is in the trash and your back is turned.

Ok so obviously this list is in meant to be in good fun.  I love all of my children and wouldn't live my life any othe way.  The boys are now both walking and as a result, we are constantly on our toes and trying to take preventative meaures to stop emergencies and hospital visits before they start.  This wouldn't be such a big deal, but they are also on our toes; and our legs, and on the entertainment center, and on the dining room table.  You'll excuse me for now, I appear to have a little boy crying on my rooftop. 

Cheers

L&P

Positives and Negatives

One of the things that I've learned about being a parent is that many of the acheivements that we look forward to for our children is followed rather quickly by a scamble to adjust to the new abilities that our offspring have acquired.  It's a bit of a swindle in that every proud moment contains with it immidete regret and anxiety about our how life must now adjust to the trickier circumstance.

For instance:

Yay! My kid can roll over on their own!
Crap! Now I have to worry about them falling off of the bed!

Yay! My kid is crawling!
Crap! Now I have to put up baby gates!

Yay! My kid can stand!
Crap! Now he can knock my coffee off of the counter top!

Yay! My kid can walk!
Crap! Now I have to chase her!

Yay My kid is talking!!!
Crap! Now she can be called to testify against me!

Yay! My kid can use the toilet on her own!
... actually there isn't a down side to this one.

Yay! My kid is going to preschool!
Crap! Now I don't have an excuse to not post to the blog as often.

Yay! My kid entered first grade!
Crap! I may have to explain during parent teach conferences how my kid knows so much about zombies.

Yay! My kid is enterting middle school!
Crap! Middle school sucks.

Yay! My kid has her first boyfriend!
Crap! Now we have to leave the state!

Yay! My kid is entering high school!
Crap! I'm old enough to have a kid in high school!

Yay! My kid is getting his learners permit!
Crap! I have to start guilt tripping him about the negative impact that cars have on the enviroment and that mass transit is what cool people really do.

Yay! My kid got her drivers license!
Crap! I have to weigh the options between potentially dieing in a car crash or spending the next 20 years in prison for intentionally blinding my child.

Yay! My kid is graduation high school!
Crap! I have to try to remember what I did before all of this started!

Yay! My kid is starting college!
Crap! I have to look into how much my kidney's are worth on the black market!

Yay My kid is dropping out of college to pursue a career as a street performer!
Crap! My kid is moving back in!

Yay! My kid is going back to school!
Crap! I'm nearly out of kidneys!

Yay! My kid is graduating college!
Crap! I have a kid old enough to graduate college!

Yay! My kid is having a kid!
Crap! Didn't I just start this whole process?

Obiously I'm speculating on some of these, but I'm already pre-stressing.  The boys are walking, Merritt is talking, Maggie is entering High School and the 16 year old will start working towards her license any day now.  Where does the time go?

Cheers,
L&P

The Purest Love & The Deepest Hate

Spring is upon us and with it, spring time outside activities. For our little Merritt, that includes enjoying the swing in our back yard. She can spend hours gliding through the air with the happiest expression that anyone has ever had plastered on her face. I enjoy this as well since it really is minimal effort on my part, and I get to feel like I'm a good parent since my kid is not in front of the TV.

This last week, during one such outdoor excursion I was pleased to hear her ask, “Dad, do you want me to push you?” This made me feel like the king of all success. Not only was my child enjoying herself and lost in a state of bliss known only to toddlers. But she apparently thought to herself, “This is so awesome, I love the way this feels. I also love dad! I should help him feel like this!” My child has learned reciprocation. Not only that but she wants to spread joy in the world. My kid is already more generous and thoughtful than many adults I have encountered.

“No thank you Merritt.” I declined the offer.

“Why not dad?” She did look truly surprised that anyone would turn down this unbridled freedom that she was experiencing.

“Because it makes me happy to see you happy Merritt. You look really happy right now. Are you happy?” This is spill over from my work, trying to help kids identify positive emotions and such. Imagine my surprise when my child's face suddenly darkened and she replied in the negative.

“No? Why not Merritt?”

“Spiders.”

“Do you see any spiders?”

“No daddy, I just don't like spiders.”

But I hug at four times human capacity!

It would seem that my child's hatred of spiders is so pure that even their existence taints any and all other activities. In her mind; pleasure and spiders cannot exist in the same realm. I could have tried to explain to her that spiders eat bad bugs and might even save lives by getting rid of bugs that spread disease, but her world is not that big yet.

Then I got to thinking, maybe she knows something that I don't. I did some research and here are some facts that you may not have known about spiders.

• Spiders are responsible for 58% of movie spoilers on Facebook
• Spiders were the ones that pitched Jar Jar Binks to George Lucas
• The director of Batman and Robin as well as Batman Forever; Joel Schumacher is a spider
• Nickelback is made entirely of spiders
• Hitlers mustache was actually spiders
• Spiders lay eggs in your hair when you are asleep, they burrow into your skull and give you dreams about peeing the bed. Then guess what happens. That's right, and it's all thanks to spiders.
• Spiders sold weapons to the Taliban in 1994
• Every reality show has a spider as an executive producer.
• Spiders are responsible for all anti vaccine propaganda
• Spiders routinely force flight delays
• Spiders are the ones eating half a doughnut then leaving it in the box at the office to go stale

Now I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but this looks pretty bad for the arachnids. Someday my kid and I will talk about the food chain and the importance of a balanced ecosystem and how every creature fits a role thanks to natural selection, except for Jar Jar. But for now, I will deal with her dislike of spiders the way every responsible parent does.

With extreme prejudice

Cheers

L&P

How to Eat a Doughnut in 100 Easy Steps

How to Eat a Doughnut in 100 Easy Steps

(a guide for parents of large families)

1. Remove doughnut from the box you purchased yesterday. Come on you didn't think you were going to get it the first day did you? Sucker.
2. Place doughnut on a plate.
3. Put the plate someplace that the babies cannot reach it.
4. Move plate to someplace that the toddler cannot reach it.
5. Notice poopy diaper.
6. Prepare to change the daiper.
7. Remove babies onesie.
8. Begin to remove diaper.
9. Move babies hand away from poop.
10. Move babies hand away from poop again.
11. Wipe poop from your hand.
12. Complete diaper removal.
13. Wipe baby clean with baby wipe.
14. Pick up second baby.
15. Place second baby away from first baby.
16. Wipe poop from second babies hand.
17. Wipe poop from your own hand again.
18. Finish wiping first baby clean.
19. Wipe poop from your own hand again.
20. Remove second babies hand from first babies genitals.
21. Move baby two farther away.
22. Fasten diaper on baby one.
23. Look longingly at doughnut.
24. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for second baby.
25. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for toddler.
26. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for first baby again.
27. Forget doughnut existed.
28. Remove laundry from drier.
29. Move laundry from washing machine to drier.
30. Start new load of laundry.
31. Start new episode Paw Patrol for the toddler.
32. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for baby number two again.
33. Make mental note to wash hands before making lunch.
34. Begin making lunch.
35. Shrug shoulders, wash hands.
36. Notice doughnut.
37. Place babies in high chairs.
38. Reach for doughnut.
39. Catch baby falling from high chair.
40. Fasten baby into high chair, for real this time.
41. Give babies and toddler lunch.
42. Pick up food from floor because toddler, “DOESN'T WANT CARROTS!”
43. Pick up and comfort crying toddler because you said she needed to have one bite.
44. Look longingly at doughnut.
45. Get toddler crackers and cheese.
46. Pick up crackers and cheese from the floor because toddler, “WANTS CARROTS!”
47. Remove babies from high chairs.
48. Forget about doughnut.
49. Make quesadilla for the 14 year old.
50. Start “North Avenue Irregulars” for the 14 year old.
51. Remove climbing babies from the table top.
52. Gather bottles for all interested parties.
53. Remove babies from the table top again.
54. Lay all chairs in the house on their sides to prevent babies from climbing on the table top.
55. Lay toddler in bed surrounded by books.
56. Offer eternal soul to Jesus, Satan, Buddha, Odin, Kirk Cameron, Aquaman, Morgan Freeman, and anyone else willing listen to ensure the toddler takes a nap.
57. Pick up crying baby number 1.
58. Change diaper.
59. Pick up both crying babies and adjust bottles their mouths.
60. Answer door with foot.
61. Politely decline religious solicitation while attempting to set fire to hand held pamphlets with your mind.
62. Set down crying babies in order to attend to screaming toddler.
63. Refill toddlers nap time beverage of choice.
64. Remember doughnut.
65. Pick up babies and bottles.
66. Rock until baby is asleep.
67. Attempt to set baby in crib.
68. Pick screaming baby back up.
69. Repeat step 66.
70. Attempt to set down baby number two.
71. Repeat steps 66 through 68.
72. Sob uncontrollably.
73. Place babies in cribs.
74. Repeat step 49.
75. Help 15 year old with homework.
76. Listen to 15 year old pitch idea about Firefly fan fiction.
77. Dick around on Facebook for 3 minutes.
78. Remember doughnut.
79. Repeat steps 28 through 30.
80. Repeat step 68.
81. Attempt to use restroom.
82. Release remaining pride as screaming and thrashing baby attempts to deseat you from atop the toilet while being held in your arms.
83. Repeat step 72 and 66.
84. Attempt to clean kitchen while holding sleeping baby.
85. Remember doughnut.
86. Attempt to set baby down on couch.
87. Repeat step 68.
88. Offer crying baby bottle, toys, and money in that order.
89. Place sleeping baby on couch.
90. Repeat step 77.
91. Repeat steps 50 and 56.
92. Return to doughnut.
93. Search for doughnut.
94. Find 15 year old.
95. Watch as 15 year old devours the last of the doughnut.
96. Contain unfathomable despair and rage.
97. Repeat step 57.
98. Change diaper.
99. Repeat step 72.
100. Begin cooking dinner.

Well kids that is a peak into our daily lives. I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget we still have some raffle tickets for sale here. We appreciate all of the support we have received thus far and are close to reaching our goal.

Cheers.

L&P

Lunch Time? Not On My Watch!

One of the most iconic scenes in the movie A Christmas Story features a Ralphie’s little brother refusing to eat his Meatloaf. Ralphie mentions that in every family there is a child that simply refuses to eat. Recently that child in my family has been my two year old.

I am not proud of my work history as it is rife with many roles in the food service industry. Not that it is not a fine and noble profession, but I stunk at it.  That being said, I have, against my will, developed the ability to put together a pretty damn handsome lunch platter.

Note the cheese hashtag

I go all out which, admittedly is a little ridiculous considering that a good portion of the time I am only using said platter to feed myself and a toddler. I personally would be content eating out of a glad bag as long as the food tasted decent. The two year old is less than impressed by this presentation as 9 times out of 10 she hardly looks at the food and when she does, it is quickly followed by a demand for something else.

The following is an approximation of how conversations in my home go around lunch time. You may notice that I have altered the toddler’s speech pattern and vocabulary. This is done for two reasons. First of all, toddler lisp is adorable to listen to but annoying to read. Secondly, it’s funnier this way.

Dad: Lunch time!

Kid: Father, I would prefer to continue viewing Bubble Guppies.

Dad: I know but we’ve already watched some TV today and now we need to eat and then take a nap.

Kid: Father, I am not tired.

Dad: I know you don’t think you’re tired, but you didn’t eat any of the eggs or toast or bacon that you had me make for breakfast. After we eat lunch then we have to take a nap.

Kid: About this lunch, what have you prepared?

Dad: Apples, crackers, cheese, and carrot sticks, just like you asked.

Kid: I tire of this lunch, I desire pizza.

Dad: We don’t have pizza.

Kid: I desire pizza.

Dad: But you asked me for apples and crackers and cheese, so that is what I made.

Kid: Pizza please.

Dad: If we aren’t going to have lunch then we should just go take a nap.

Kid: Father, I am NOT TIRED. I WANT to watch Bubble GUPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIES.

Dad: How about we eat lunch?

Kid: I want pizza.

Dad: …

Kid: I would also like to watch Bubble Guppies.

Dad: It’s time for lunch.

Kid: And Bubble Guppies.

Dad: Sigh, the TV is off, but you can watch more after your nap.

Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dad: Can we have a couple of bites?

Kid: GUUUUUUUUPIEEEEEEEES! Plate toss

Dad: Oh kid, that makes me sad, now we have to pick up all this food.

Kid: Noooooooooooo.

Dad: Let’s take a nap now.

This exchange typically ends with me scooping the toddler up and dropping her in bed where this conversation begins.

Kid: Father I would like my puppies.

Dad: Ok, here is one, two, three, four, five, stuffed puppies.

Kid: I also would like my rabbits.

Dad: One, two, three rabbits.

Kid: I need books now.

Dad: Kid, I don’t know if there is any room for you in the bed.

Kid: Books please.

Dad: Ok, here is your monkey book.

Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… robot book.

Dad: I’m not sure where the robot book is.

Kid: ROOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOT BOOOOOOOOOOK!

Dad: sigh, I’ll go look for it.

Kid: ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Since I hate wasting food this commonly ends in me eating my lunch as well as hers. This explains how I am beginning to appear that I am just ending my first trimester. Somehow my child continues to grow despite the fact that I rarely if ever see her eat. This flies in the face of everything I know about nutrition and physics, as I was under the assumption that without an external energy source (food) a child would not grow. I have come to two conclusions, either my child is a mutant and will soon become master of the world through use of her super powers. Or she has found my secret stash of Snickers bars and is sustained by the snack that satisfies. You will excuse me now, I must replenish my stash.

L&P