Ways in Which Toddlers Are Indistinguishable From Total Assholes

Toddlers are adorable fun sized curious human beings exploring and learning about the world around them.  Their new found mobility allows them access to parts of the world that was previously only a dream (the kitchen counter) and their ability to manipulate their environment allows them the opportunity create new and fascinating learning experiences (throwing eggs at the refidgerator).  Alas, as they pilot the ship that is their body they do so with zero social grace and a total lack of understanding of the social contract.  Which brings us to this incomplete but accure list of ways in which toddlers are TOTAL ASSHOLES.

• They knock things out of your hands for seemingly no reason what so ever.  Important things too; like coffee or launch codes.  As a side note, this is why there is a federal law against allowing children ages 18 months to 5 years old into the Oval Office.
• They spill things with little to no regret.  Not only do they spill things, but they have the audacity to look at you as its about to happen, as its happening, and shortly after it has happened.  Then act surprised and say, "Uh Oh!"  What do you mean Uh OH you little psycho!? You KNEW you were going to do that! What twisted game are you getting at!?
• They demand use of your phone.  OK I'm pretty guilty of disappearing into my phone when I should be more present from time to time.  But the toddlers in my house do not have face book accounts, lack the general understanding of world events that would necessitate checking the news, are illiterate, and have NO ONE to call.  99% of the people they know are usually in the room with them.  Even when they do talk to the occasional grand parent, toddlers really don't hold up their end of the conversation. 
• They pull down your pants for their own amusement.  In truth this may be an accident because they are still getting used to standing on their own and pants are pretty easy for their chubby little digits to grip onto when they are about to flail to the ground.  But they also seem to only use my pants to keep them up when I am trying to move from one end of a room to another.  They stop my foreword momentum and I'm forced to stand stupidly in the middle of the room like a pile of tacos, or like I got lost on my way to the dishwasher... speaking of.
• They won't let you finish anything.  What kind of a soulless monster crawls into your dishwasher when you are trying to fill it with dishes?  If this was anyone but a toddler you would just assume that the person was a few coconuts short of a luau and call them men with white jackets and butterfly nets. But NOOOOO when a toddler does it it's "adorable".
• Their grasp of language seems to only mock you.  My toddler is constantly apologizing for things that she is not sorry for.  I know she is not sorry because she does it ten times in a row, apologizing each time.   Then laughs at me.  Then does it an 11th, 12th and 13th time. 
• They are completely intolerant of letting you rest, even for a second.  Oh did you think you were going to sit down for two minutes, not while I have feet and you were careless enough to leave a quarter and three nickels on the dinning room table. I wonder what they taste like? Only one way to find out.  I guess I'll wait until you are comfortable though.  GACK!!!
• They are trying to drive you mad.  Of course the remote to the television is inside a Ladybug Back Pack.  Why wouldn't it be there?
• They won't eat the food you prepared.  Or the food that they demanded you prepared instead. Or the food that is in the house.  Unless of course it is in the trash and your back is turned.

Ok so obviously this list is in meant to be in good fun.  I love all of my children and wouldn't live my life any othe way.  The boys are now both walking and as a result, we are constantly on our toes and trying to take preventative meaures to stop emergencies and hospital visits before they start.  This wouldn't be such a big deal, but they are also on our toes; and our legs, and on the entertainment center, and on the dining room table.  You'll excuse me for now, I appear to have a little boy crying on my rooftop. 

Cheers

L&P