Adventures in You Can't Make This Shit Up Volume 3.5

It wasn't over. We thought things had gone to hell and surely we must be on the rebound. Certainly hives, sinus infections, whooping cough scare and all the stuff that had happened was enough.

We were wrong. So, so wrong.

After the hives scare and an all around hellish week, I was making dinner and I looked over at our oldest and thought she had a scratch on her scalp. Instead, it was a louse.

Hey, How's it go'n?

I hate lice. I am a little obsessive about germs and bugs. I experienced one of my worst battles with depression after my girls had lice about 7 years ago. I was so freaked out by the lice warning sent home from my oldest daughter's summer camp one summer, that I treated my whole family with the chemical lice stuff with out ever seeing a louse or a nit. During that process, Maggie would not look up so I could rinse her hair, she got the chemical in her eyes and it burned the retinas in both eyes. We went to the emergency room to have her eyes rinsed and thankfully, the physician who saw us was a mother and totally sympathetic to my crazy obsession with keeping lice away.

If she had lost her sight, we would have blamed soap poisoning

Anyway, my sweet husband was at work so I took all the kids with me to the pharmacy to pick up the treatment stuff. We got home and I proceed with sheet changing and putting Merritt to bed so I could treat the bigger girls while she was sleeping. Are you kidding me? Nothing ever goes as planned. Merritt was no sooner asleep than she began throwing up. Not fricking joking. Lice and the stomach flu.

I run down stairs to do change the laundry. Umm, the stuff in the dryer isn't dry at all. Just a wad of wet clothes. Could it be? No, could the dryer have stopped working? Surely no. Yes friends my dryer was broken too.

So between the vomit and everything else, no one got treated for lice that night.

The next morning I had an early morning Dr. appointment to check out the twins, make sure they were growing and do a fetal echocardiogram. It was a 4 hour appointment, but things look terrific. Babies look healthy and strong. I am healthy and strong. Hooray! A win for the week.

On my way home, I was struggling with my cell phone to let my husband know all is well, and I get pulled over. A $110.00 ticket for being on my cell phone while driving. I know I deserved it, but come on!!!!! I was seriously too bitter to even muster up tears. I even thanked the officer for ticketing me. It was just too much.

When I got home I wrangled all the laundry and the children into the mini-van and headed to the

pediatricians office to check out our oldest child's hives. That all went fine, although I was practically catatonic at that point. We got to the laundromat, and I unloaded the acres of unclean laundry into the washers (wait, did I mention I am around six months pregnant with twins and not exactly graceful or nimble). Took the kids to dinner at Subway where our youngest spent the entire time bullying Maggie by stealing all her food. We jumped back in the van and headed back to the laundry mat where our youngest began throwing up again.

At this point, our oldest was sitting in the car with the baby and Maggie and just sobbing. The week was to much for her too. I would not have made it without her. She was so compassionate, so helpful and she kept the mood mostly light with her witty observations.

I know I am only at Tuesday, but the rest of the week was a blur. I know Maggie had to be sedated and have an MRI, blood work and some other tests. We don't have results yet. Our youngest has a terrible cough and green nasal discharge, thankfully the pediatrician took pity on us and prescribed antibiotics over the phone on that one.

I believe there was more than a few major poopy things that happened that included stepping in some.

What kind of storm would we call that?

 I can't write about it. I am trying to forget. But at one point, I sent my husband a text that said, “you will never know how awful this night has been or what the girls and I have gone through”. That was Tuesday night. Between the vomit, the lice, Maggie's diarrhea, and my tears, there is no way to articulate the horror and despair that was my week. I was actually jealous that my husband got to go to work and spend his days and evenings with mental patients.

We are fine now.   Bring it on next week.

L&P

The R Word

As we go through life our experiences shape who we are.  For instance, I used to hate the flavor of coconut.  Then one magical night I got pretty tipsy on Malibu rum and cokes.  Now I just hate the texture of coconut.  
I am the parent of a special needs child.  Prior to this experience I had, on occasion used the R word. Many of us have done it, and lets be honest there was a time and a place when we all laughed at it.
Needless to say, now that I am the parent of special needs child, I abhor it's use and have since taken corrective action.
I have heard the use of the R word defended in many instances.  Please read the following points and counterpoints. 
Point

I'm not actually making fun of the retarded, they can't help the way they act, I'm just making fun of people that act like them that should know better.

Counter Point

“Ray I'm not saying that you are black, I'm just saying that you are late to work... you know, like a black guy would be.” This would get you face punched.

By Kimbo Slice

 Point

They don't know any better so how could it hurt their feelings?

Counter Point

Sometimes they do know, and even if they don't it is an interesting insight into the type of person that would be terrible to another human being because they could get away with it. Using this same logic we just lost the faux paux on roofies inspired date rape and sticking your room mates toothbrush into your asshole.

Point

I have a cousin that has cerebral palsy, so I get a pass.

Counterpoint

No, HE gets a pass.

Point

Carlos Mencia does it

Counterpoint

Carlos Mencia does it

Point

I think that it only really offends the people that are their advocates, fuck those guys.

Counterpoint
Those using this defense either have no idea that we advocates are involved in a daily battle simply to keep those close to us alive or are simply assholes that know that they are in the wrong but are to damn stubborn to admit it.

Point

Oh I don't mean it that way.

Counterpoint

When I ordered a Diet Coke what I really meant was coffee. Words mean things. They have definitions. The only thing keeping the dolphins from taking over are thumbs, language, and the fact that we know better than to bet on the Chicago Cubs. Keep a stranglehold on the shit that tumbles out of your mouth because people will and do judge you on what you say.

Point
It's a technical and/or medical term.
Counterpoint
Yes, at one point in time this was a socially accepted term.  Given the proper (medical) context, it occasionally still is. Language, like everything else, evolves.  It is no more socially acceptable to call an individual with Down syndrome the R word than it is to call a black person the N word or Anderson Cooper a "confirmed bachelor".

Sorry Ladies

Conclusion

Using the R word is inexcusable.  Worse than that it is a missed opportunity. You are trying to inform an individual usually of an opposing viewpoint that they are of less than average intelligence. Going to the insult well and coming up with retard is hack. You can do better. Take that round out of the clip and replace it with a few new ones, try them out and wait until one sticks. If you need to take someone down a notch, lets not do it by comparing their actions and opinions to those that were born with an extra chromosome and are doing their damnedest just to get by. Lets pick a new, more deserving example of drool inspiring simpletonism.

One Suggestion

One of the ways that the LGBT movement gained momentum was by getting out of the closet and letting their friends and neighbors know that they they were indeed, friends and neighbors.  In other words, it's a lot more difficult to claim to hate gay people when you find out that one of your best friends is gay.  Familiarity breeds acceptance.  In keeping with this theme I would like to introduce you to Maggie in hopes that the next time you consider using the R word, she crosses your mind and you reconsider.

She loves anything with Disney Princesses, Abba, They Might Be Giants, the movie Grease, and pretty much any other musical.  I have been lobbying for introducing her to the South Park movie but her mom has thus far shut that plan down.
She has two sisters.  One is a year older and infinitely patient and loving.  The other is a honey badger.
She is mostly non-verbal but does have a limited vocabulary and can use some sign language.
She has an infectious laugh and smiles with her whole body.  
She loves loves loves to dance.
That is Maggie.
I recommend attempting to replace the R word with the word Ridiculous.  This way you can get one syllable in and still turn it around.
L&P

Adventures in You Can't Make This Shit Up Volume 3

Well in the last week my 12 year old had to go to the doctor due to a sinus infection, my wife had to go to the doctor due to a bladder infection, my 1 year old had to go to the doctor due to her busted arm issues, and my 14 year old had to go to the emergency room due to a strange allergic reaction that we have not yet been able to trace the origin of.  I am hoping we will find that she is allergic to popped collars.  This will greatly reduce the amount of shit bags she brings into my home as the years go on.  Also it appears that we have all been exposed to whooping cough.  Yes we have been vaccinated, but it's still a little freaky. 

I do not believe in Karma, but after a week like this I can not help but wonder if in a past life I was the creator of mustard gas, or inventor of the rectal thermometer, or the first guy to tell Latoya Jackson, "I think you should do Playboy."

The Girls of Area 51 Issue

The law of averages states that The supposed principle that future events are likely to balance any past deviation from a presumed average. How I think that this applies to my family would be as follows.  Into every life, some rain must fall.  My family has had more than their fair share of rainy days.  Not only our fair share but your fair share, and the fair share of three of your cousins.  Not the one with the drug problem though, he's got issues.

If the law of averages tells us that eventually things will even out then I like to think that I am front loading all of the heat ache and financial troubles. I fully expect the second half of my life to be filled with lottery winnings,  strangers giving me sports cars, and a freak accident involving chemicals and radiation which grants me the power of telekinesis, my wife the power of super speed, my oldest daughter the power of shape changing, my middle child the power of telepathy (can't give her to much power, she is the middle child after all), and my youngest the gift of invulnerability.  Also, everyone gets perfect teeth.

not a superpower, but you just can't beat a nice smile

What makes me nervous is that this prophecy may  not come true.  Perhaps I am looking at it on a micro level when this principle should be applied on a macro level.  Maybe my family will have several decades worth of hospital trips, financial strife, and shitty traffic so that another family can go through life just going to the grocery store without someone peeing their pants or eating a button, or puking on the cash register.  
Perhaps my family is bearing the cross for several others so that they may tip toe through life happy as a pig in shit, perfectly unaware of the crap storm that we typically endure paying the karmic price for their lavender scented existence.   

 I know that I have a roof over my head and food in my kitchen.  This is more than many have or will have for their foreseeable future. I am appreciative of all that I have.  But in my narrow view of my tiny corner of the world, it just feels that my brood endures an unreal amount of inconveniences, illness, and bad luck.
This may be confirmation bias.  But I'll be damned if it doesn't feel intentional some days.

In closing I would like to make the following recommendations for society as a whole.

• Life, begin exploring other ways to stack the deck, try NOT against me for a change! It will be refreshing for both of us.
•  Netflix, how about we get moving on Smallville on demand huh?
• White Supremacists, knock it off.   

 L&P

Why do you ask?

As most of you know I have an 11 year old daughter with Down syndrome.  She brings tons of joy and laughter to our lives, but she is by no means "very loving" or "really sweet" she is her own person with likes and dislikes and mood swings, orneriness, silliness and sweetness. I really don't believe she falls into any generalization about persons with Down syndrome.  She has had many health problems including two open heart surgeries and one closed heart surgery, diaphragmatic hernia repair, and too many other surgeries to count, several hospitalizations due to pneumonia's and other infections.  It is most likely that due to these surgeries and other illnesses she is more developmentally delayed than she would have been had she not experienced so many illnesses.  It often feels like my life is largely devoted to keeping her healthy. She also has, what we like to refer to as a "side" of autism.  She is largely non-verbal, but she uses a device to help her communicate, knows a few signs and has vocabulary of about 100 words, but her receptive language is expansive. 

I adore her.  I would not want my life to be any other way.  She is perfect.  I would choose her again and again.  My love for her is as deep and complex as it is for my other "typical" children.

What I find totally fascinating is that I am constantly asked if I knew she had Down syndrome before she was born.  The answer is YES, I did know.  I was 11 weeks pregnant when I learned I was expecting.  When I had an ultrasound to see how far along I was, the ultrasound tech detected thickening on the back of her neck which would indicate a chromosomal abnormality.  I then had an early amniocentesis which clearly identified her chromosomal abnormality as Trisomy 21, meaning she had an extra 21st chromosome.   I was devastated. I did a lot of grieving.  I felt like I would never be able to live a "normal" life again.  I did not want to be different than everyone else.  But as I pondered all of the families I knew, I realized that all of us are different in some way.  Some families have children with ADHD, Autism or drug addiction.  Very few of us are able to know what our children face before they are born.  So for me, continuing the pregnancy was a no brainer. She was my BABY, and I already loved her and wanted to protect her.

In the months leading up to her delivery, I did lots of grieving.  I also did lots of research.  I knew through a fetal echocaridogram that she would need open heart surgery by the time she was 3 months old.  I learned that kids with Down syndrome benefit from early intervention and lots of stimulation.  I prepared my life to welcome this new baby into our family.  I had friends who agreed with my decision to continue my pregnancy and I lost a few friends who thought it was cruel to bring her into the world.  For me the decision was deeply personal, not something I thought anyone else had the right to weigh in on. 

By the time Maggie was born I had prepared myself in every way I knew.  When she arrived, I was shocked by was her perfection!  She was so beautiful with a head full of silvery hair and wise blue eyes that could melt your heart.  I had done most of my grieving prior to her arrival and was able to rejoice in her flawlessness. I was able to open my heart to her and begin the battle for her survival.
So the answer is yes, I knew.  That is the beginning of Maggie’s story and my journey as her mom.  She is a blessing, as all children are.  She is zany, and I mean zany.  My life is filled to the brim with adventure.  She challenges me to be a better mother and a better person.
Please feel free to ask me questions about Down syndrome, I love to answer them.  In many ways she is different than many children, but her similarities are many as well.

This is Maggie. She has had an AV canal repair at 11 weeks, and Mitral valve repair at 3 years old, and a vascular ring repair at 9. She is quite a little character!

She Gets Me

Thus far this blog has been host to a few of my random ramblings, social commentary, and a little bit about my family.  I'd like to take this opportunity to post about the other half of the Levity and Perspective as she is my greatest inspiration.  Not only in this blog, but also in life.  Since you reader are learning a bit about me though my posts, it seems fitting that you also learn about my other half.

My wife and I connect on a level that is so deep that others would have an easier time understanding Hamlet read in Klingon than the way that she and I communicate with one another.  This can be demonstrated by the fact that I must focus when outside of my home in order to communicate with other adults due to the fact they are not operating on the same level as my wife and I.  This does not mean that I feel that we operate on a higher level, like we are more evolved (we totally are), but a different level.

Example:

Co-worker: Have you seen my blue pen?

Me: Do clowns freak you out?

Co-worker: What?

Me: Clowns, are they or are they not a soulless entity spawned of nightmares, anxiety, and ground beef gone bad?

Co-worker: Did you hear that I asked about my pen?

Me: There are more important matters at hand. I need a hammer the Clownocalypse is nigh!

Now in the context of my home, my mention of face painted demons pretending to be entertainers would not have derailed the conversation at all.  I will take you through the steps so that you can see what I mean.

My co-worker was wearing scrubs, which made me think of the television show Scrubs.  This made me think of the Scrubs episode which featured Colin Hay from the band Men At Work performing the song Overkill.  Colin Hay and Men At Work reminded me of the movie of the same name starring Charlie Sheen, Emilio Estevez, and voice actor Kieth David.  Kieth David was the voice of Spawn in the HBO animated series.  The villain in that series was a demonic clown (I realize that calling a clown demonic is redundant so don't bother pointing it out).

This guy seems legit though

 Had I been having this conversation with my wife, she would have connected most of if not all of the same dots that I had and the conversation would have been more like this.

Wife: Have you seen my blue pen?

Me: Do clowns freak you out?

Wife: Totally! We need hammers!

Me: Yeah we do!

Now she may not have picked upon the Spawn reference as comic books are not in her wheel house, nor is professional wrestling.  Not that there were any wrestling references in that journey but it is worth mentioning.  I'd like to take a moment of silence for all of the awesome Ric Flair jokes that I've made that fell flat in my home.

Woooooo!

Now I said earlier that we operate on a different level.  Some may look at my mental process and think that we are just two people with ADHD that happen to have a lot of common reference points for the chaos pinging around in our noggins to bounce off of.  Well to you I say that I have yet to have been diagnosed and will continue to operate under the assumption that I am just a faster thinker than average.

Now that I bared a lil bit-O-my'soul, I am feeling vulnerable and will go hug my wife.  She will know why without asking.
 In closing I would like to make the following recommendations to improve society as a whole.

• A weird fetish must be revealed within three dates.  That's the window.  After that you are stuck zealously guarding your browser history for the duration of the relationship.  Weirdo.  (in NO way applicable to my wife and I)
•  Pomegranate is delicious but a pain in the ass to eat.  Eating pomegranate is more of a hobby than a snack.  Want to fix that Monsanto? 
• If someone is wiping their face in order indicate that you have something on your face remember, they are a mirror, if they wipe the left side of their face then you wipe the right side of yours.  It's not a guessing game, they are showing you exactly where it is, take the hint.

L&P

Douchebag Field Identification Guide Chapter 2

HIPSTER

 

Identifying Markings:
Beard, knit cap or trucker hat, skin tight t-shirt, spindly girl arms, aviators or thick rimmed glasses, his sister's pants, occasionally accompanied by a scarf and second hand store blazer.
Diet:
Tofu, Vegan Scones, Over Priced Coffee
Mating Ritual:
Meeting online then at a pretentious overpriced bar you've never heard of
Mating call:
Every band on the radio is just ripping off the (insert impossible to listen to obscure band name here)
Preferred Mode of Transportation:
Hot Pink Vespa

Habits:

• Misidentifying Irony

• Looking down their nose you

• Knowing more than you about shit you don't care about

• Listening to crappy bands that no one has ever heard of and calling anyone that makes enough money playing music to quit their day job a sell out.

• Blogging in corporate coffee chain stores about how terrible corporate coffee chain stores are on a lap top that their parents bought for them with money  they made working for a corporate coffee chain store. (THAT IS IRONY)‏

L&P