Adventures in You Can't Make This Shit Up Vol. 2

As a parent of a special needs child there are many challenges.  Eventually you get used to the stares and rude questions.  But in the grand scheme of things the curiosity and ignorance of strangers is small potatoes.  The daily hurdle that is the toughest to clear for our family is the potty training issue.

I feel that I should give some background on our kiddo to lend some perspective.  Our 12 year old was born with Down Syndrome.  Yes my wife knew ahead of time and that is a story that will be addressed at a later date.  Children with Down Syndrome vary in ability much like other children.  There are those that are super kids and, physical differences not withstanding, have very little difference them and typical children.  Think of Lauren Potter from Glee.

Also known as, the girl that turns me weepy.

Then there are children on the other end of the spectrum.  Our child is largely non-verbal, has a dash of autism, has had three heart surgeries, one of which was botched which caused her intestines to grow up onto her lungs which reduced her lung capacity, and chronic pneumonia.  Also asthma, and as I mentioned earlier, the potty training issue.

Over the past couple of years we have narrowed down the time in which she needs to spend in pull ups to the sleeping hours. This is not to say that there are not accidents, just that we have about a 30% success rate of using the toilet during the day.  This is only with number one.  Number two usually ends up on the bedroom floor and picked up via rubber gloves and much gagging.  This is also why a phrase commonly heard in special needs house holds is, "Please tell me that's chocolate...dammit."

This brings me to the events of two mornings ago.   While our child has mastered getting herself out of her clothes, she still requires a bit of coaching in how to get into them.  Many have been the morning when she has prepared herself for school in a Halloween costume.  Part of me things, F it, she looks cool.  The other part of me thinks, she already gets enough weird looks and takes corrective action.

We were to the getting out of pajamas stage of preparing for school when I saw what would ultimately lead to this entry.  You see my young one has her own special way of doing many things. I believe that this is brought about, not by the fact that she has Down Syndrome, but by the fact that she is awesome.  For example, do you like ranch dressing? I bet you do and I bet that you like to pour it into a bowl and extract with carrot sticks and celery.  Well my child took one look at that equation and said, fuck the rabbit food, I'm digging in with a spoon!

Why didn't I think of that?

As she has a unique system for all things, removing her pull up is no exception.  Rather than lowering said pull up to her ankles and simply stepping out, my daughter removes her pull up Hulk Hogan Style and simply rips it off her body.  I swear when she does so I can hear in the distance someone singing, "I am a real American!"

99 times out of 100 this is not a big deal.  Unfortunately this was that 100th time.  You see on the laundry list of health issues that my child is host too, constipation one of my least favorites.  True it does lead to less clean up, but it also leads to occasional poo pellets in the base of her pull up.  Again, not usually a big deal but when the fervor with which she removed her pull up met the elasticity of the pull ups waist band the result was a poo slingshot which peppered my face and neck and chest and arms with her leavings.
 My  reaction was, of course a quick gag followed by a flurry of face wiping and "ohmygodohmygodohmygod".

As a parent to a special needs child I have what many would consider, an interesting life.  I deal with things that would never even enter the world of most parents.  But this was first time that I have actually ever been, "Shit faced".


L&P