Tips and Tricks

So as you, the frequent reader knows, we have five children, a 17 year old, a 15 year old that has Down syndrome with a smattering of autism, a four year old who identifies as a three year old, and twin two year olds. One of the most frequent questions that we get is, "How do you manage?"

Well being that we do this blog not only to share our story but also to help out fellow parents, I thought it would be sporting to answer this question with our organization tips that we use to help keep our sanity.

So here it goes.

1. Put all of the kids' diapers on at once: Changing a diaper takes about 3 minutes. Since the boys have twin power, they have synchronized their bowel movements, every time there is a diaper change, there are two diaper changes. That means roughly 6 minutes for every poo. The way that we shave time off of this chore is to put 7 or 8 diapers on the kid first thing in the morning. Sure the clothes are a bit snug but the time you save just stripping off only the outer most diaper is invaluable.
2. Always wear a hockey mask. Kids can be messy; we have a hard enough time trying to keep them clean. A hockey mask not only keeps the kids messes off of me, but it is surprisingly comfortable. Also kids LOVE masks!
3. Cry Driving: When you have three toddlers begging for your attention at all times, the tension mounts. Being overwhelmed isn't an occasional occurrence; it's a way of life! I've found that the best way to release some of that pressure is when behind the wheel. Not only does this assist in getting out of tickets (no officer with a heart can ticket a sobbing 37 year old man) but it models good driving habits for our 17 year old. Namely, being able to multitask when driving.
4. If you have a child with special needs then you know the frustration of trying to get the school district to follow through with your kids IEP (Individual Education Plan). Save time and frustration by assuming everyone involved in your child's education is stupid. During the IEP meeting speak slowly and clearly. Bring shiny objects to keep thier attention and a punching bag to release the rage in a safe place. (Side note, this does not apply to Maggie's grade school teacher, that woman is a mother f'n saint!)
5. Remember not to neglect the emotional needs of your spouse. Make eye contact at least three times a day.
6. Showering can take up to 20 minutes and is only considered a necessary daily activity in some westernized countries. Aquaman never showers and he is the King of Atlantis. If not showering daily is good enough for royalty, then maybe it's good enough for you too. Think about it.
7. Sleep is a necessary evil, but the bible says that we should work against evil. Utilize the knowledge that god gave you and fight that drowsy eyed demon with the chemistry of amphetamines.
8. Maintaining the safety and security of your home is your responsibility as the adult in the home. Purchase a hand gun and fire it into the air outside your home at random times throughout the day and night. Soon your reputation will grow and no one will dare come within spitting distance of your abode.
9. A pet is a great way to teach your child responsibility. But if your child neglects the dog or cat then guess who’s on the hook for animal neglect? Not your toddler that's for sure! Cut out the middle man and just leave an animal carcass someplace in your house.
10. Take time for yourself. Of course, no one in your house will let you do this, because they are all selfish a-holes that have no respect for your time, personal space, or all the hard work you put into maintaining the home. So just cross your fingers and hope that you don't lose your damn mind before they are all in school and it buys you three f'n seconds of peace and quiet.

Cheers

L&P

p.s. this is satire, we love our kids, please don't report us.

Please Post Responsibly

It is not uncommon for an individual to reference a particular class or teacher whose influence is so great that their words of wisdom echo throughout the rest of their days.

This is likely why many people get into teaching. Either that or all of the millions of dollars, throngs of adoring fans, and of course the harem of lovers.

I'm assuming that's how it works at least.

Anyways I have been fortunate enough to have had many such teachers and experiences but for today's post I'm going to focus on a few such experiences and how they have assisted me on forging an opinion on why so many people suck at social media.

David Bedrick and the Witness

 Mr. Bedrick taught more than a few of my undergraduate classes and one of the lessons that really sticks to me to this day is the lesson of the witness's role in abuse.

I'll try to put it in a nutshell here.

The idea is that there are three parties when it comes to abuse. The abuser, the abused, and the witness. The abuser does the abusing, the abused gets abused, and the witness is the first person that the abused tells about the abuse. The interesting thing about this dynamic is that the witness can do more damage than the abuser.

I'll give you an example

Batman tells Robin to go polish up the Batmobile. Robin does a shitty job. Batman slaps Robin. Robin tells Alfred. Alfred tells Robin to stop being such whiny little orphan and to take it like a man.

Obviously this is a silly example but I think you get the drift. Robin is asking for help and is shut down, then forced to fight full grown psychopaths that have firearms with his bare hands and occasionally a stick. Had Alfred maybe notified Child Protective Services perhaps this little acrobat would have been kidnapped less than several dozen times.

Stop Getting Kidnapped!

Critical Thinking

This class had a lasting effect on me as it was the first time I was introduced to the concept of logical fallacies. Logical fallacies are thinking errors and there are many different flavors. One of my favorites is the post hoc ergo propter hoc (after this therefore because of this) logical fallacy.

Our brains are designed to recognize patterns and are so good at it that we sometimes find patterns that aren't even there. Every time I eat cereal for breakfast, I find my keys right away. Therefore the cereal must be helping me find my keys. This, of course is stupid. My thinking that the cereal is helping seems sound but is a combination of the post hoc ergo propter hoc logical fallacy as well as something called selection bias. AKA remembering the hits and forgetting the misses. Yes there have been lots of times that I had cereal and then found my keys right away, but there were also lots of times that I had cereal then couldn't find my keys because toddlers. I'm more likely to remember the hits that endorse my belief than those that counter it due to my bias.

Stay with me because I'm about to make an important point and bring these two different life lessons together.

Every so often a video will become popular on social media that grabs the attention of folks that don't seem to fully grasp the concept of child abuse as they parade this gem about their facebook or what not along with their 2 cents on the topic such as, "A good spank'n woulda taught that brat a less'n"

The most recent video, which I will not post a link to for reasons that should be obvious showcases a child having what is called by the poster, "a tantrum". Now this kid may be having a tantrum. Or this kid may have autism spectrum disorder and not be able to control his behavior. From the video it is impossible to tell.

Now if this kid has autism spectrum disorder and you repost this video, or one similar to it then congratulations, you are mocking a sick person that is engaged in a life long struggle. This person at their age may not even understand why they are different or why they are having such a hard time. They are frustrated and struggling to make sense of their emotions and do not have the ability to contain their frustration.

If this kid does not have autism spectrum disorder then congratulations. The people that this kid is trusting to teach them the basic skills to guide them through life thinks so little of them and respects  them so little that they thought it wise to post this video so that they can be mocked by strangers in droves. The internet doesn't forget dear reader. Most of us are fortunate enough to not have our most
humbling moments recorded for all of time and shared with the world.

Now to bring this back to my previous life lessons. The individual that recorded this poor kid is the abuser, the kid is the abused, if you re-posted this, you are the witness.

 True the kid didn't come to you for help or even tell you about it himself and given the option, he probably wouldn't have. Also true is that  also this kid did not experience any physical violence that we can see.

In my opinion, this does not let the re-poster off of the hook.  By reposting this video, or one like it, you are an active participant humiliating and shaming a child.

Wasn't I saying something about logical fallacies?

Oh yeah.

The comments like, "This kid needs a good whoop'n" are at best ill-informed and at worst strait up psychotic.

I'm always stunned and hurt by the fact that people I know and freely choose to associate with have this opinion. Rather than follow my first instinct and unfriend those with opinion's other than mine I'm trying to take the high road and drop some knowledge that I with either stick or won't. Either way, I'm making my effort. So here it goes.

Spanking doesn't work. You might think it does because you were spanked. If you disagree then click here and read.  It's not my opinion, it's science. You may as well argue against evolution, gravity, and vaccinations. The numbers are in and the verdict is don't spank.

Some may make the argument, "But I was spanked and I turned out fine!"  I would like to point out firstly that you may or may not be fine, you don't know. People that are not fine frequently don't know that they aren't fine. I know this because I've been around enough drunk people that assured me that they were fine shortly before vomiting on their own shoes and passing out.  If that is "fine" then it is a definition of the word that I was previously unaware of.

Secondly, if you are fine it is not because you were spanked; it is in spite of the fact you were were spanked.  The belief that spanking changes a kids behavior is a post hoc ergo propter hoc logical fallacy.
"The kid threw a fit and I whacked him and he stopped throwing a fit so whacking kids work! Not less kid whacking! More kid whacking! Kid whacking today, kid whacking tomorrow, kid whacking forever!!!"

Again the research does not support this. The kid may stop at that moment, but it does nothing to address why the kid was acting out or teach the kid how to appropriately manage their emotions in the future.

I feel a little bit like I'm letting you guys down because I typically try to keep things light and fun here. This subject has been bugging me for a while though and I wanted to get it off of my chest.

I'll do my best to make the next entry about how Oliver insists on at least 20 minutes of "Naked Time" follows each bath.

Cheers.

L&P

 P.S. For more on David Bedrick check out his website here.

Trapped

Put that down
Don't go in there
Don't touch that
Take that out of your mouth
Spit that out
Don't draw on that
Sit down
Eat that
Don't eat that
Don't bite me
Don't bite him
Don't bite that
Don't bite her
Don't say that
Be Quiet

So much of my kids' life is being told what to do and what not to do. It's part of the parent/child relationship and it is meant to keep our children safe and prevent them from growing up and becoming total a-holes. The preceding list of commands represents roughly 40 seconds of a day in my home.
This is why I think that it's important to let my kids make up some of the rules when we are playing a game.

My hope is that giving them little opportunities to have some control will keep them from totally losing their minds when they move out and going Full Bieber. By the way if saying Full Bieber isn't a thing yet,  it should be.

That, dear reader, is how I ended up in this prison.  Not a real prison mind you,  but restricted to the kitchen, children's room and laundry room by wall made of pillows, blankets, kitchen chairs, and one almost 4 year old.

The Littlest Corrections Officer

For whatever reason Merritt just decided that I was not allowed to leave this area.  I figured that I could talk my way out of this as I talk my way out of most things.  Alas my jailer proved more clever that I anticipated.

"Where will I go to the bathroom?"
Go downstairs
"What if I get hungry?"
You can use the kitchen
"How will I go to work?"
You can drive one of the little cars downstairs (toy car).
"What about new clothes?"
Get them out of the laundry room.
"But there is no shower. How can I get clean?"
You can just wash your armpits in the sink.
"In the sink?"
Yes, you can use toothpaste.
"Toothpaste in my armpits?"
Yes, it will work fine.
"What about mowing the lawn?"
Mom can do that.

Honestly, I tried to out maneuver her for 60 minutes and she had an answer for every scenario. I was pretty sure that her attention span would lapse after 15 or so minutes but such was not the case.

I suppose I could have been irritated that I was tied up for a whole hour. But it was fun, also I'm very aware of the fact that before I know it my kids may not want to spend 5 minutes with me much less a whole hour.

One of the hardest things for me to do is to slow down. Every once in a while something like this happens and reminds me that my main job as a parent is not to do laundry, clean the kitchen, mow the lawn, or even go to work.  My main job as a parent is to be a parent.  Sometimes that means to play when the opportunity presents itself.  If you need any other reminders of this then click here.

Cheers

L&P

Can You Keep A Secret?

          As many of you know half of the writers of L&P work in mental health. This field of work is simultaneously rewarding and frustrating. Rewarding because helping someone who needs help is always rewarding. Frustrating for many reasons but the reason I would like to focus on today is how the field in which I work is misrepresented.

When I was a kid I thought that mentally ill people all thought that they were Napoleon and got locked up for their own good and to keep them from accidentally conquering all of Europe. This was due to the way in which the mentally ill were portrayed in Warner Bros. cartoons. Now that I work in mental health I have learned that there is somewhat more nuance to mental health than simply putting shackles on anyone that tucks their hand into their shirt.

          It is important to let those that do not work in this field know that the Hollywood version of the world of mental health is inaccurate to the point of damaging.  Specifically the way in which a client's personal and confidential information is handled.  

          If you have watched more than a couple of episodes of Law & Order SVU then you have more than likely seen an episode where the detectives interview a therapist (or other mental health worker). The conversation usually goes something like this,

Detective: I’m a detective; tell me everything about this person.

Therapist: I can’t, because of rules.

Detective: I will destroy you!

Therapist: Oh ok, let me tell you everything then.

Look at my hairline and fear me!

In reality the conversation is more like this.

Detective: I’m a detective; tell me everything about this person.

Therapist: I can’t because of rules.

Detective: Oh, right, there are rules. Ha ha, as a matter of fact, now that I think about it, following and enforcing rules is pretty much my job.

Therapist: Yeah, can you imagine how much it would suck if you were just going around violating peoples civil rights all the time.

Detective: You are right, that would suck.

Both: Ha Ha Ha!

Therapist: Let’s make out.

Detective: Ok.

          I may have taken a little dramatic license with that but I think you catch my drift.

          This is damaging because many people that seek professional help are ashamed of the fact that they need help. Many of the problems that can be worked through with therapy are embarrassing and the idea that one’s inner most demons are up for discussion with anyone is terrifying to the point that some individuals would rather die than know that the trust placed in their therapist was betrayed.

Those considering seeking help for mental health issues may decide to avoid it because the privacy rules seem so lackadaisically enforced in pop culture. Those that work in the mental health field treat their clients’ privacy with care and seriousness. If a client does not trust those that are working with them then the therapeutic relationship is ham stringed. It would be like working as a carpenter but having a prejudice against hammers.

It's just to easy

Thanks to this portrayal of the privacy rules between a therapist and their client it may be thought by the general public that these rules are no more obeyed than rules regarding jaywalking, internet piracy, or the usage of folding chairs in professional wrestling.
If you'd like to read up more on privacy in mental health then check this out HIPAA.

Please dear reader know that if you are considering seeking help from a mental health professional that your privacy is of the utmost importance to those that would help you. If you are already involved in with a mental health professional know that your privacy is secured.
However, if you think that you are Napoleon, then know this, Waterloo is a great song by Abba, but not a place I recommend you visit.

Cheers,

L&P

Ways in Which Toddlers Are Indistinguishable From Total Assholes

Toddlers are adorable fun sized curious human beings exploring and learning about the world around them.  Their new found mobility allows them access to parts of the world that was previously only a dream (the kitchen counter) and their ability to manipulate their environment allows them the opportunity create new and fascinating learning experiences (throwing eggs at the refidgerator).  Alas, as they pilot the ship that is their body they do so with zero social grace and a total lack of understanding of the social contract.  Which brings us to this incomplete but accure list of ways in which toddlers are TOTAL ASSHOLES.

• They knock things out of your hands for seemingly no reason what so ever.  Important things too; like coffee or launch codes.  As a side note, this is why there is a federal law against allowing children ages 18 months to 5 years old into the Oval Office.
• They spill things with little to no regret.  Not only do they spill things, but they have the audacity to look at you as its about to happen, as its happening, and shortly after it has happened.  Then act surprised and say, "Uh Oh!"  What do you mean Uh OH you little psycho!? You KNEW you were going to do that! What twisted game are you getting at!?
• They demand use of your phone.  OK I'm pretty guilty of disappearing into my phone when I should be more present from time to time.  But the toddlers in my house do not have face book accounts, lack the general understanding of world events that would necessitate checking the news, are illiterate, and have NO ONE to call.  99% of the people they know are usually in the room with them.  Even when they do talk to the occasional grand parent, toddlers really don't hold up their end of the conversation. 
• They pull down your pants for their own amusement.  In truth this may be an accident because they are still getting used to standing on their own and pants are pretty easy for their chubby little digits to grip onto when they are about to flail to the ground.  But they also seem to only use my pants to keep them up when I am trying to move from one end of a room to another.  They stop my foreword momentum and I'm forced to stand stupidly in the middle of the room like a pile of tacos, or like I got lost on my way to the dishwasher... speaking of.
• They won't let you finish anything.  What kind of a soulless monster crawls into your dishwasher when you are trying to fill it with dishes?  If this was anyone but a toddler you would just assume that the person was a few coconuts short of a luau and call them men with white jackets and butterfly nets. But NOOOOO when a toddler does it it's "adorable".
• Their grasp of language seems to only mock you.  My toddler is constantly apologizing for things that she is not sorry for.  I know she is not sorry because she does it ten times in a row, apologizing each time.   Then laughs at me.  Then does it an 11th, 12th and 13th time. 
• They are completely intolerant of letting you rest, even for a second.  Oh did you think you were going to sit down for two minutes, not while I have feet and you were careless enough to leave a quarter and three nickels on the dinning room table. I wonder what they taste like? Only one way to find out.  I guess I'll wait until you are comfortable though.  GACK!!!
• They are trying to drive you mad.  Of course the remote to the television is inside a Ladybug Back Pack.  Why wouldn't it be there?
• They won't eat the food you prepared.  Or the food that they demanded you prepared instead. Or the food that is in the house.  Unless of course it is in the trash and your back is turned.

Ok so obviously this list is in meant to be in good fun.  I love all of my children and wouldn't live my life any othe way.  The boys are now both walking and as a result, we are constantly on our toes and trying to take preventative meaures to stop emergencies and hospital visits before they start.  This wouldn't be such a big deal, but they are also on our toes; and our legs, and on the entertainment center, and on the dining room table.  You'll excuse me for now, I appear to have a little boy crying on my rooftop. 

Cheers

L&P

Positives and Negatives

One of the things that I've learned about being a parent is that many of the acheivements that we look forward to for our children is followed rather quickly by a scamble to adjust to the new abilities that our offspring have acquired.  It's a bit of a swindle in that every proud moment contains with it immidete regret and anxiety about our how life must now adjust to the trickier circumstance.

For instance:

Yay! My kid can roll over on their own!
Crap! Now I have to worry about them falling off of the bed!

Yay! My kid is crawling!
Crap! Now I have to put up baby gates!

Yay! My kid can stand!
Crap! Now he can knock my coffee off of the counter top!

Yay! My kid can walk!
Crap! Now I have to chase her!

Yay My kid is talking!!!
Crap! Now she can be called to testify against me!

Yay! My kid can use the toilet on her own!
... actually there isn't a down side to this one.

Yay! My kid is going to preschool!
Crap! Now I don't have an excuse to not post to the blog as often.

Yay! My kid entered first grade!
Crap! I may have to explain during parent teach conferences how my kid knows so much about zombies.

Yay! My kid is enterting middle school!
Crap! Middle school sucks.

Yay! My kid has her first boyfriend!
Crap! Now we have to leave the state!

Yay! My kid is entering high school!
Crap! I'm old enough to have a kid in high school!

Yay! My kid is getting his learners permit!
Crap! I have to start guilt tripping him about the negative impact that cars have on the enviroment and that mass transit is what cool people really do.

Yay! My kid got her drivers license!
Crap! I have to weigh the options between potentially dieing in a car crash or spending the next 20 years in prison for intentionally blinding my child.

Yay! My kid is graduation high school!
Crap! I have to try to remember what I did before all of this started!

Yay! My kid is starting college!
Crap! I have to look into how much my kidney's are worth on the black market!

Yay My kid is dropping out of college to pursue a career as a street performer!
Crap! My kid is moving back in!

Yay! My kid is going back to school!
Crap! I'm nearly out of kidneys!

Yay! My kid is graduating college!
Crap! I have a kid old enough to graduate college!

Yay! My kid is having a kid!
Crap! Didn't I just start this whole process?

Obiously I'm speculating on some of these, but I'm already pre-stressing.  The boys are walking, Merritt is talking, Maggie is entering High School and the 16 year old will start working towards her license any day now.  Where does the time go?

Cheers,
L&P

The Purest Love & The Deepest Hate

Spring is upon us and with it, spring time outside activities. For our little Merritt, that includes enjoying the swing in our back yard. She can spend hours gliding through the air with the happiest expression that anyone has ever had plastered on her face. I enjoy this as well since it really is minimal effort on my part, and I get to feel like I'm a good parent since my kid is not in front of the TV.

This last week, during one such outdoor excursion I was pleased to hear her ask, “Dad, do you want me to push you?” This made me feel like the king of all success. Not only was my child enjoying herself and lost in a state of bliss known only to toddlers. But she apparently thought to herself, “This is so awesome, I love the way this feels. I also love dad! I should help him feel like this!” My child has learned reciprocation. Not only that but she wants to spread joy in the world. My kid is already more generous and thoughtful than many adults I have encountered.

“No thank you Merritt.” I declined the offer.

“Why not dad?” She did look truly surprised that anyone would turn down this unbridled freedom that she was experiencing.

“Because it makes me happy to see you happy Merritt. You look really happy right now. Are you happy?” This is spill over from my work, trying to help kids identify positive emotions and such. Imagine my surprise when my child's face suddenly darkened and she replied in the negative.

“No? Why not Merritt?”

“Spiders.”

“Do you see any spiders?”

“No daddy, I just don't like spiders.”

But I hug at four times human capacity!

It would seem that my child's hatred of spiders is so pure that even their existence taints any and all other activities. In her mind; pleasure and spiders cannot exist in the same realm. I could have tried to explain to her that spiders eat bad bugs and might even save lives by getting rid of bugs that spread disease, but her world is not that big yet.

Then I got to thinking, maybe she knows something that I don't. I did some research and here are some facts that you may not have known about spiders.

• Spiders are responsible for 58% of movie spoilers on Facebook
• Spiders were the ones that pitched Jar Jar Binks to George Lucas
• The director of Batman and Robin as well as Batman Forever; Joel Schumacher is a spider
• Nickelback is made entirely of spiders
• Hitlers mustache was actually spiders
• Spiders lay eggs in your hair when you are asleep, they burrow into your skull and give you dreams about peeing the bed. Then guess what happens. That's right, and it's all thanks to spiders.
• Spiders sold weapons to the Taliban in 1994
• Every reality show has a spider as an executive producer.
• Spiders are responsible for all anti vaccine propaganda
• Spiders routinely force flight delays
• Spiders are the ones eating half a doughnut then leaving it in the box at the office to go stale

Now I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but this looks pretty bad for the arachnids. Someday my kid and I will talk about the food chain and the importance of a balanced ecosystem and how every creature fits a role thanks to natural selection, except for Jar Jar. But for now, I will deal with her dislike of spiders the way every responsible parent does.

With extreme prejudice

Cheers

L&P