So as you, the frequent reader
knows, we have five children, a 17 year old, a 15 year old that has Down
syndrome with a smattering of autism, a four year old who identifies as a three year old, and twin two year olds.
One of the most frequent questions that we get is, "How do you manage?"
Well being that we do this blog not
only to share our story but also to help out fellow parents, I thought it would
be sporting to answer this question with our organization tips that we use to
help keep our sanity.
So here it goes.
- Put all of the kids' diapers on at once: Changing a
diaper takes about 3 minutes. Since the boys have twin power, they have
synchronized their bowel movements, every time there is a diaper change,
there are two diaper changes. That means roughly 6 minutes for every poo.
The way that we shave time off of this chore is to put 7 or 8 diapers on
the kid first thing in the morning. Sure the clothes are a bit snug but
the time you save just stripping off only the outer most diaper is invaluable.
- Always wear a hockey mask. Kids can be messy; we have a
hard enough time trying to keep them clean. A hockey mask not only keeps
the kids messes off of me, but it is surprisingly comfortable. Also kids
LOVE masks!
- Cry Driving: When you have three toddlers begging for
your attention at all times, the tension mounts. Being overwhelmed isn't
an occasional occurrence; it's a way of life! I've found that the best way
to release some of that pressure is when behind the wheel. Not only does
this assist in getting out of tickets (no officer with a heart can ticket
a sobbing 37 year old man) but it models good driving habits for our 17
year old. Namely, being able to multitask when driving.
- If you have a child with special needs then you know
the frustration of trying to get the school district to follow through
with your kids IEP (Individual Education Plan). Save time and frustration
by assuming everyone involved in your child's education is stupid. During
the IEP meeting speak slowly and clearly. Bring shiny objects to keep
thier attention and a punching bag to release the rage in a safe place.
(Side note, this does not apply to Maggie's grade school teacher, that
woman is a mother f'n saint!)
- Remember not to neglect the emotional needs of your
spouse. Make eye contact at least three times a day.
- Showering can take up to 20 minutes and is only
considered a necessary daily activity in some westernized
countries. Aquaman never showers and he is the King of Atlantis. If not
showering daily is good enough for royalty, then maybe it's good enough
for you too. Think about it.
- Sleep is a necessary evil, but the bible says that we
should work against evil. Utilize the knowledge that god gave you and
fight that drowsy eyed demon with the chemistry of amphetamines.
- Maintaining the safety and security of your home is
your responsibility as the adult in the home. Purchase a hand gun and fire
it into the air outside your home at random times throughout the day and
night. Soon your reputation will grow and no one will dare come within
spitting distance of your abode.
- A pet is a great way to teach your child
responsibility. But if your child neglects the dog or cat then guess who’s
on the hook for animal neglect? Not your toddler that's for sure! Cut out
the middle man and just leave an animal carcass someplace in your house.
- Take time for yourself. Of course, no one in your house
will let you do this, because they are all selfish a-holes that have no
respect for your time, personal space, or all the hard work you put into maintaining
the home. So just cross your fingers and hope that you don't lose your
damn mind before they are all in school and it buys you three f'n seconds
of peace and quiet.
Cheers
L&P
p.s. this is satire, we love our
kids, please don't report us.
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