Positives and Negatives

One of the things that I've learned about being a parent is that many of the acheivements that we look forward to for our children is followed rather quickly by a scamble to adjust to the new abilities that our offspring have acquired.  It's a bit of a swindle in that every proud moment contains with it immidete regret and anxiety about our how life must now adjust to the trickier circumstance.

For instance:

Yay! My kid can roll over on their own!
Crap! Now I have to worry about them falling off of the bed!

Yay! My kid is crawling!
Crap! Now I have to put up baby gates!

Yay! My kid can stand!
Crap! Now he can knock my coffee off of the counter top!

Yay! My kid can walk!
Crap! Now I have to chase her!

Yay My kid is talking!!!
Crap! Now she can be called to testify against me!

Yay! My kid can use the toilet on her own!
... actually there isn't a down side to this one.

Yay! My kid is going to preschool!
Crap! Now I don't have an excuse to not post to the blog as often.

Yay! My kid entered first grade!
Crap! I may have to explain during parent teach conferences how my kid knows so much about zombies.

Yay! My kid is enterting middle school!
Crap! Middle school sucks.

Yay! My kid has her first boyfriend!
Crap! Now we have to leave the state!

Yay! My kid is entering high school!
Crap! I'm old enough to have a kid in high school!

Yay! My kid is getting his learners permit!
Crap! I have to start guilt tripping him about the negative impact that cars have on the enviroment and that mass transit is what cool people really do.

Yay! My kid got her drivers license!
Crap! I have to weigh the options between potentially dieing in a car crash or spending the next 20 years in prison for intentionally blinding my child.

Yay! My kid is graduation high school!
Crap! I have to try to remember what I did before all of this started!

Yay! My kid is starting college!
Crap! I have to look into how much my kidney's are worth on the black market!

Yay My kid is dropping out of college to pursue a career as a street performer!
Crap! My kid is moving back in!

Yay! My kid is going back to school!
Crap! I'm nearly out of kidneys!

Yay! My kid is graduating college!
Crap! I have a kid old enough to graduate college!

Yay! My kid is having a kid!
Crap! Didn't I just start this whole process?

Obiously I'm speculating on some of these, but I'm already pre-stressing.  The boys are walking, Merritt is talking, Maggie is entering High School and the 16 year old will start working towards her license any day now.  Where does the time go?

Cheers,
L&P

The Purest Love & The Deepest Hate

Spring is upon us and with it, spring time outside activities. For our little Merritt, that includes enjoying the swing in our back yard. She can spend hours gliding through the air with the happiest expression that anyone has ever had plastered on her face. I enjoy this as well since it really is minimal effort on my part, and I get to feel like I'm a good parent since my kid is not in front of the TV.

This last week, during one such outdoor excursion I was pleased to hear her ask, “Dad, do you want me to push you?” This made me feel like the king of all success. Not only was my child enjoying herself and lost in a state of bliss known only to toddlers. But she apparently thought to herself, “This is so awesome, I love the way this feels. I also love dad! I should help him feel like this!” My child has learned reciprocation. Not only that but she wants to spread joy in the world. My kid is already more generous and thoughtful than many adults I have encountered.

“No thank you Merritt.” I declined the offer.

“Why not dad?” She did look truly surprised that anyone would turn down this unbridled freedom that she was experiencing.

“Because it makes me happy to see you happy Merritt. You look really happy right now. Are you happy?” This is spill over from my work, trying to help kids identify positive emotions and such. Imagine my surprise when my child's face suddenly darkened and she replied in the negative.

“No? Why not Merritt?”

“Spiders.”

“Do you see any spiders?”

“No daddy, I just don't like spiders.”

But I hug at four times human capacity!

It would seem that my child's hatred of spiders is so pure that even their existence taints any and all other activities. In her mind; pleasure and spiders cannot exist in the same realm. I could have tried to explain to her that spiders eat bad bugs and might even save lives by getting rid of bugs that spread disease, but her world is not that big yet.

Then I got to thinking, maybe she knows something that I don't. I did some research and here are some facts that you may not have known about spiders.

• Spiders are responsible for 58% of movie spoilers on Facebook
• Spiders were the ones that pitched Jar Jar Binks to George Lucas
• The director of Batman and Robin as well as Batman Forever; Joel Schumacher is a spider
• Nickelback is made entirely of spiders
• Hitlers mustache was actually spiders
• Spiders lay eggs in your hair when you are asleep, they burrow into your skull and give you dreams about peeing the bed. Then guess what happens. That's right, and it's all thanks to spiders.
• Spiders sold weapons to the Taliban in 1994
• Every reality show has a spider as an executive producer.
• Spiders are responsible for all anti vaccine propaganda
• Spiders routinely force flight delays
• Spiders are the ones eating half a doughnut then leaving it in the box at the office to go stale

Now I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but this looks pretty bad for the arachnids. Someday my kid and I will talk about the food chain and the importance of a balanced ecosystem and how every creature fits a role thanks to natural selection, except for Jar Jar. But for now, I will deal with her dislike of spiders the way every responsible parent does.

With extreme prejudice

Cheers

L&P

In Defense of the Duke

I've seen the movie Frozen like a million times by now as has everyone else with children and I've noticed two huge plot holes that seem to be escaping most everyone else. They are as follows.

The Duke of Weselton is the hero of Frozen.

The Good Guy

 He is the representative of Arendelle's largest trade partner (the place where the queen comes from) and his first question is basically, “Hey you guys never call us? WTF?” This isn't an unreasonable question since the lively hood of his people could be in danger. Imagine the anxiety of never knowing whether or not your kingdom was going to have much needed food, timber, or singing rocks (I'm not sure what the chief export is of Arendelle) and it was your job to keep it rolling in. But the people on the other end of the line kept sending your calls direct to voice mail like you were calling from Visa. No wonder the Duke is a little miffed, and he handles it very well, even offering to dance with the Queen and princess.

Later, he orders his men to take out the Queen who has gone all nutty nuts and froze, for all we know, everything. There are no on screen deaths, I mean it's Disney, they usually don't show that kind of thing, just hinting at it and leaving the conclusion to our gruesome imaginations.

Yeah we didn't see Scar get torn apart and eaten alive by Hyenas, but you totally know that it happened. We didn't see Clayton hung from his neck and die on screen in Tarzan, I mean we saw the shadow, and that was pretty shocking for the little ones, but we got the picture. Anyways, we don't see the residents of Arendelle freezing to death or the crops that were destroyed or the countless other tragedies that probably occur when there is a sudden Ice Age, but they are implied. Didn't you see The Day After Tomorrow? Basically all of that shit happened. So yeah, the Duke may have been a bit heartless, but he was trying to save lives of the residents of Arendelle and for all we know, the rest of the world, by taking out Elsa. Remember when Spock said the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few, same thing.

Towards the end of the movie, Elsa announces that Arendelle is no longer going to be doing any trade with Weselton. I hate to break it to you movie watchers, but after putting her kingdom through a natural disaster, and accidentally murdering no small amount of her own people, it might not be in her best interest to also leave them unemployed. Elsa is kind of a short sighted shitty ruler.

The Trolls are the Villains

Evil Dicks

In the beginning of the movie we see Elsa accidentally freeze Anna's brain. They are then taken to the trolls where we learn that the king of the Trolls has the ability to relieve Elsa of her powers. Instead he chooses not to and encourages her parents to isolate her from all human contact. The parents then fire most of their staff in the castle to ensure that their daughters never learn social skills apparently. 

 That must have been an awkward conversation with the unemployment office by the way.

There seems to be no motivation to allow Elsa to keep her powers by the way. It's not like she needed them to battle a fire breathing dragon that needed to be frozen or something, that would have sort of made sense. The trolls could have spent some time with her teaching her how to control her powers Professor X style, rather than encouraging her to stuff her feelings deep inside and then act surprised when she acted like a 2 liter of diet Coke stuffed with Mentos and capped.

 Also, the trolls kidnap Kristoff. In the beginning of the movie we see a young Kristoff harvesting ice next to adults. He then follows a young Elsa and company to the trolls where he witnesses them magic her up when he is discovered and kidnapped by the trolls. No explanation as to why he is working so young. He could be an orphan, or he could just as easily be working because his parents are ill, we don't know. If that is the case then the trolls just doomed his parents to starve to death after stealing their only child and his reindeer. One troll just things he's cute and says, “I'll keep you.” and we are all supposed to be cool with that. I could go into the fact that it is implied that Kristoff and his reindeer are romantically involved in the song “Fixer Upper” but I won't. The trolls are dicks because they know that she can be dangerous and yet not only do nothing, but seem to ensure that she will someday have a melt down (worst pun ever) by giving the parents shitty counsel.

Before I say good bye I'd like to one last time remind you that we have a few raffle tickets left if you feel like supporting our oldest on her trip to Europe.  You can get more information about that HERE.

How to Eat a Doughnut in 100 Easy Steps

How to Eat a Doughnut in 100 Easy Steps

(a guide for parents of large families)

1. Remove doughnut from the box you purchased yesterday. Come on you didn't think you were going to get it the first day did you? Sucker.
2. Place doughnut on a plate.
3. Put the plate someplace that the babies cannot reach it.
4. Move plate to someplace that the toddler cannot reach it.
5. Notice poopy diaper.
6. Prepare to change the daiper.
7. Remove babies onesie.
8. Begin to remove diaper.
9. Move babies hand away from poop.
10. Move babies hand away from poop again.
11. Wipe poop from your hand.
12. Complete diaper removal.
13. Wipe baby clean with baby wipe.
14. Pick up second baby.
15. Place second baby away from first baby.
16. Wipe poop from second babies hand.
17. Wipe poop from your own hand again.
18. Finish wiping first baby clean.
19. Wipe poop from your own hand again.
20. Remove second babies hand from first babies genitals.
21. Move baby two farther away.
22. Fasten diaper on baby one.
23. Look longingly at doughnut.
24. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for second baby.
25. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for toddler.
26. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for first baby again.
27. Forget doughnut existed.
28. Remove laundry from drier.
29. Move laundry from washing machine to drier.
30. Start new load of laundry.
31. Start new episode Paw Patrol for the toddler.
32. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for baby number two again.
33. Make mental note to wash hands before making lunch.
34. Begin making lunch.
35. Shrug shoulders, wash hands.
36. Notice doughnut.
37. Place babies in high chairs.
38. Reach for doughnut.
39. Catch baby falling from high chair.
40. Fasten baby into high chair, for real this time.
41. Give babies and toddler lunch.
42. Pick up food from floor because toddler, “DOESN'T WANT CARROTS!”
43. Pick up and comfort crying toddler because you said she needed to have one bite.
44. Look longingly at doughnut.
45. Get toddler crackers and cheese.
46. Pick up crackers and cheese from the floor because toddler, “WANTS CARROTS!”
47. Remove babies from high chairs.
48. Forget about doughnut.
49. Make quesadilla for the 14 year old.
50. Start “North Avenue Irregulars” for the 14 year old.
51. Remove climbing babies from the table top.
52. Gather bottles for all interested parties.
53. Remove babies from the table top again.
54. Lay all chairs in the house on their sides to prevent babies from climbing on the table top.
55. Lay toddler in bed surrounded by books.
56. Offer eternal soul to Jesus, Satan, Buddha, Odin, Kirk Cameron, Aquaman, Morgan Freeman, and anyone else willing listen to ensure the toddler takes a nap.
57. Pick up crying baby number 1.
58. Change diaper.
59. Pick up both crying babies and adjust bottles their mouths.
60. Answer door with foot.
61. Politely decline religious solicitation while attempting to set fire to hand held pamphlets with your mind.
62. Set down crying babies in order to attend to screaming toddler.
63. Refill toddlers nap time beverage of choice.
64. Remember doughnut.
65. Pick up babies and bottles.
66. Rock until baby is asleep.
67. Attempt to set baby in crib.
68. Pick screaming baby back up.
69. Repeat step 66.
70. Attempt to set down baby number two.
71. Repeat steps 66 through 68.
72. Sob uncontrollably.
73. Place babies in cribs.
74. Repeat step 49.
75. Help 15 year old with homework.
76. Listen to 15 year old pitch idea about Firefly fan fiction.
77. Dick around on Facebook for 3 minutes.
78. Remember doughnut.
79. Repeat steps 28 through 30.
80. Repeat step 68.
81. Attempt to use restroom.
82. Release remaining pride as screaming and thrashing baby attempts to deseat you from atop the toilet while being held in your arms.
83. Repeat step 72 and 66.
84. Attempt to clean kitchen while holding sleeping baby.
85. Remember doughnut.
86. Attempt to set baby down on couch.
87. Repeat step 68.
88. Offer crying baby bottle, toys, and money in that order.
89. Place sleeping baby on couch.
90. Repeat step 77.
91. Repeat steps 50 and 56.
92. Return to doughnut.
93. Search for doughnut.
94. Find 15 year old.
95. Watch as 15 year old devours the last of the doughnut.
96. Contain unfathomable despair and rage.
97. Repeat step 57.
98. Change diaper.
99. Repeat step 72.
100. Begin cooking dinner.

Well kids that is a peak into our daily lives. I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget we still have some raffle tickets for sale here. We appreciate all of the support we have received thus far and are close to reaching our goal.

Cheers.

L&P

Act Now!

For those of you who have not been following us on the regular I shall quickly bring you up to speed.  We are helping our oldest child raise funds in order to explore the world abroad, specifically Europe.  One of the ways we are doing this is selling raffle tickets.The winner of said raffle will find themselves the owner of a hand made quilt generously donated by Marcia Kendall.

Pretty ain't it?

 We have spent a lot of time telling you how your participation in this assists us, our daughter, and the world in general.  Where we have been dropping the ball is letting you know about all of the benefits of quilt ownership.  So without further adieu (that's a French word)...

1. Quilts are natural warlock replant.  If you don't buy a ticket, I can't guarantee that you won't fall prey to the evil eye of some wandering spell caster.   
2. The government can't hear your thoughts when you are underneath this quilt.  The rebellion is counting on you!
3. If you don't buy a ticket, the terrorists win! Seriously, nothing pisses a terrorist off like an educated young woman.  You don't love terrorists do you?
4. The prophecy foretold it.
5. You can use it to smother out the fire after you attempt to juggle flaming bowling balls. Seriously, what were you thinking anyways?
6. It is possible that the fabric used in this quilt came from the same material used in Aladdin's flying carpet... sure why not.
7. It is the same kind of quilt that Superman would own.
8. It makes a good cape.
9. It might quiet the voices in your head.  Doubtful, but I guess it's worth trying.
10. Monsters can not see you when you are underneath this quilt.  
11. While this quilt is not designed to be used as a contact lens, it is easy on the eyes.
12.  It can be used as a flotation device, assuming that you lay it down over an actual flotation device.
13. It will make you desirable to the opposite sex, or same sex the quilt does not judge.
14. It will keep your secrets.
15. After winning the quilt you will get to walk the cocky walk of a quilt owner.  No one can take that away from you.  Unless they take the quilt I guess.

Now that you are quivering with something that doctors refer to as  "Quilt Lust" I will encourage you to click here and find the donation and raffle ticket instructions.  

Cheers.

L&P

R Word Part Deux

      A while back I posted this blog including some arguments and counter arguments regarding use of the R word. Something that I did not cover well in this entry was why the R word should not be used. While this might be obvious to some, others may require a bit of explanation. Being that we are advocates for special needs education, it makes sense that we should also be advocates for educating others about those with special needs.

      I suppose I can start by telling you that what inspired this post was an exchange with an old friend who had used the R word in a face book post. I feel compelled to point out to anyone that I feel is smart enough to discuss the topic without feeling attacked that using the R word is thoughtless and rude. I have found that I get better success when these discussions are private and I do my best to make sure the other party does not feel attacked or shamed.

     The discussion I had with this particular friend was a perfect example of how it should go. The following is a quick summation of how the discussion went.

Me: Hey dude, that hurts my feelings.

Friend: I’m sorry, I wasn't trying to be a dick.

Me: I know you’re not a dick you are awesome.

Friend: No YOU are awesome.

Me: No you are awesome, also handsome.

Friend: You too!

Hugs.

So without further adieu,

1. It is Rude: If I was to meet a person named Richard and I immediately began to refer to him as Dick I would be considered rude. If said Richard was polite and patient and said something along the lines of, “I prefer Rich or Richard” but then I continued to call him Dick, then which of us would be the dick? I think you know the answer….Its me, just in case you didn't know the answer. In case you had not received the memo, no one wants to be called the R word. The R word is hate speech.
2. It makes you look like an asshole: Like I just stated using the R word is hate speech. If you would be comfortable substituting any other word you know to be hate speech for the R word and would not bat an eye. Then congratulations, you, sir or madam, are an asshole. However, if you would be comfortable using the R word, but hesitate at use of another word that is considered hate speech, maybe one that starts with the letter N, then maybe you are just a hypocrite and a coward.. This brings me to my next point.
3. If you use the R word then you are bully: Sarah Silverman, made an excellent point (not about the R word but about something else), when discussing the use of hate speech. Some hate speech is considered a bit naughty, but it is socially acceptable. While other hate speech makes you a social pariah. For example; racial slurs about Asians are acceptable on prime time television, while hate speech about African Americans is a big no no. The point that Ms. Silverman makes is that the reason for this is that no one is afraid of Asians so it is ok to make fun of them. Whether she means physically afraid, or financially afraid (think bus boycott) I do not know. The same reasoning applies to use of the R word. If someone lets loose with one slur but hesitates at other slurs, then we can pretty easily draw the conclusion that it is because they either do not fear or do not respect one of those groups. What makes this person a bully is that they are essentially beating up the group that can defend itself the least. Speaking of respect…
4. You are also disrespecting the advocates: Every aspect of our lives is affected by the fact that we have a child with special needs. I mean EVERY. I will not list these off as I feel that would become tedious and I have a hard enough time staying on task. I may go into this in greater detail at a later date, but for now I’m going to just ask that you trust me when I say that we do not even get a break when we are asleep. We work hard to try to ensure that Maggie has the best quality of life possible. We take a lot of pride in this while at the same time always feel as though we could be doing more. When someone uses the R word, they are not only disrespecting our child, but also us because they are being dismissive of our child who also deserves respect. 
5. You are on the losing side of history: Much can be told about a culture by it’s language. When I was a kid I was told that Eskimos had 100 different words for snow. I did not realize until I was older that this was not a reflection of how boring it must be to talk to an Eskimo, but of how big a role snow played to the lives of Eskimos. The huge number of words for snow reflected the many different kinds of snow and subtle differences which would most likely be lost to me. Also, I’m pretty sure that the number 100 is wrong but I don’t feel like looking it up. The reason I bring this up is because our language is a snapshot of who, when, and where we are. If I was to talk to an elderly person from the south and they dropped the N word but did not seem to do so in a hateful fashion, I would probably just assume that the reason that they thought this was an acceptable thing to do was because, it is a reflection of their era. While this person’s grandchildren would be horrified (I hope), at the cavalier use of such a hateful word, it would be a peek into a time when it was not considered a hateful word at all. I am not psychic but when considering current trends towards tolerance and cultural sensitivity, I think it is safe to assume that the R word is going the way of the Dodo. So please, if you do not want to embarrass your grandchildren, be a bully, be an asshole, or just be disrespectful to yours truly, start to make correction action to your language now.

I realize that this entry may not effect any change whatsoever.  Some who read this may consider me overly 

sensitive.  We are Maggie's parents and it is our responsibility to advocate for her at every turn. If you still 

feel the need to use this word I will encourage you to remember what Jesus said.

"Don't be a dick."

Jesus is a guy I worked at a restaurant with.

L&P 

Time is Drawing Near

Hey folks, first of all we’d like to start by thanking everyone that has participated in the fund raising thus far.  We are flattered and floored with appreciation by the out pouring of love. Since time is rapidly closing on our deadline we need to kick things up a notch and are doing so via raffle. 

The first item we are raffling is a hand made quilt donated to us and pictured below.

My mom made this, she's got mad skillz.

Tickets are $5 a piece and can be purchased by clicking the donate button below.

Once you have donated here then kindly let us know via email and we will sign you up for the appropriate amount of tickets. 

In other words, if you want 4 tickets, simply donate $20, let us know who you are and that you want the tickets.

After we very that your donation has been made we will reserve your tickets and text or email you a picture of them.

Due to time and funds needed we cannot sign anyone up for tickets that have donate previously but rest assured that you will receive total enlightenment on your death bed.  So you got that going for you.

The drawing will be held once we have sold 100 tickets.

Again we appreciate the support and look forward to keeping you posted on our progress.

Cheers

L&P