Welcome William and Oliver!

On the left we have Robert Oliver Kendall 4lbs 15 oz. Born at 5:38 am. On the right may I present William Alexander Kendall 4lbs 2oz born at 5:37am. Birthday of 12-23-12.

So, both boys are here and safe.  But this was almost not the case.  Let me take you back to the 23rd of December 2012 3:30 in the morning.

If you could just imagine the flashback effect of your choice it would really help me out a lot.  You know fade away, the wavy effect, or a camera shot of the window showing the snow falling then slowly panning to my wife and I asleep in bed.  It wasn't snowing but that seems to be a good one.

Really I've thought about it but I just can't figure out how to do a flash back in blog form. 

Wife: My water just broke.

Me: It's go time.

Wife: This is blood.

Me: That's not good. I'll call 911.

Wife: Hang up, it's probably just blood in the amniotic fluid.

Me: Is that a thing?

Wife: Yes.

This is going to be a bit spotty because I had a lot of adrenaline pumping and Flash Bulb memory is a tricky thing.  If you don't know what flash bulb memory is then look it up, it's kind of fascinating and I don't want to get to off track.

Anyways, we were able to get a hold of a friend that was nice enough to speed over and keep an eye on our littlest while she slept.  As we got ready to leave my wife pumped a few quarts of blood out, which was scary as hell.  It might not have been quarts but it sure seemed like it.  

On the way to the hospital the wife and I reassured each other and held hands.

After arriving at the hospital we were rushed into the operating room for an emergency C-section.  We had planned on having a C-section all along but we were planning on doing it in a few more weeks. 

While they were preparing her for the operation there was several attempts at giving my wife an IV.  Usually 

my wife is an easy stick so we were both confused and frustrated by this.  We found out later that it was hard to insert the IV due to her blood loss.  I suppose I can tell you at this point that we were not really aware of how serious the situation was.

At one point I remember one of the doctors asking if the wife wanted her tubes tied regardless of the outcome.  I answered quickly in the affirmative not realizing that the question indicated that there was some pessimism as to whether or not both boys would survive.

William was born about a minute prior to Oliver.  His team had him wrapped up and in my arms pretty quick.  Oliver's team worked on him for what seemed like a really really really long time.  

Eventually both the boys were stabilized enough to be moved to the nursery while the wife was moved to recovery.

At this point I asked for a debrief on everything that had happened medically speaking.  I was informed that my wife had experienced what is called a placental abruption.  In a nutshell, my wife had been bleeding to death and if we had been 10 minutes later to the hospital I would have gone from being a married father of five to a single father of one. We may have lost the twins and I probably wouldn't have much legal claim to my older two kids due to them being my step children.  This means both that I am not their biological father, and they starred in the Step Up film series.  

This experience has led to a new rule in my marriage.  That being, "Whoever is bleeding the least gets to make the medical decisions."

Today everyone is healthy and recovering well.  We hope to have the boys home early next week.  

If any of our readers would care to visit please remember that the boys are medically fragile.  That means that if you are sick, stay away.  If you do not have current flu shots, we love you but please do not visit yet.  If you or your children are not up to speed on your vaccines, we love you but do not wish a visit until this is corrected.  Again, everyone is healthy and we hope to keep it that way.  Please give us a heads up if you plan to visit and try to keep your visit brief as energy is on the low side.

The attention and quality of care we have received from the nursing staff and doctors has been nothing short of excellent.  

We will try to keep everyone posted on our progress. I am certain that I am missing many details which will be filled in over the next few weeks.

Thank you again to everyone for support .  Particularly; a cousin who I haven't seen in over a decade that offered to purchase a car seat for us, mothers and fathers who have dedicated time and funds to assist us, as well as family and friends who have lent time and effort to keeping us sane.

More as our journey continues.

L&P  

The Name Game

Well my wife has reached levels of discomfort that can not be fully understood by anything packing testicles and that can mean only one thing, the twins are almost here.  We are not yet fully prepared as the boys' room is still lacking a couple of essential items and the college funds are presently imaginary.  That being said, we are getting excited.  The lack of activity on the blog of late has been largely due to our time being dedicated to trying to tie up those last few loose ends. We apologize but there always seems to be more chores than time.

One of those chores has been to zero in on a name for these little buggers.  Naming a child is one of the trickiest things about preparing for a new addition to your family.  The twin factor adds another layer due to the fact that many parents of twins choose to go with a rhyme scheme or theme.  Also, the fact that we give people two names seems a bit strange to me.  I understand the legal and logical reasoning behind a first and last name.  But what is the purpose of the middle name?  Is if the vice name, seated to take control in the event that the first name is assassinated? A backup name in the event that the first name fails due to technical difficulties.  I suppose I can research this later.  Anyway we have pretty much zeroed in on what we are calling these kiddos and since we may be meeting them any day now, I thought it would be a good idea to introduce them to you.  Well at least the names.  But first, the runners up.

Steven Harris - We liked this one because Steven is a family name and since we are fans of Dexter it would be fun to use the name Harris as a nod to a character in the show.  Steve Harris is also the name of the bass player for Iron Maiden.  Almost snuck that past the wife. Almost.

Danger - I have been fortunate enough to have several of what I can classify as best friends.  Maybe a dozen over the years.  Two of these chaps go by the names Daniel and Gerald (Jerry for short).  If I cut the first three letters off both names then smoosh them together we get the name Danger.  This would have been a middle name of course.  Shot down because it may be setting this little guy up for a life of crime.  Or of being to awesome.

Gotlob - I have a cousin that is really into our family history.  While hunting through our family tree together he showed me that I have an ancestor that went by the name Gotlob.  I liked this name because I like the idea of going through your whole life and NEVER meeting another individual of the same name.  The wife never gave this one a chance.  Probably because it sounds terrible.

Clark - I love me some Superman.  This one would have been paired with a first name that would have coincidentally given the boy the same name as a famous explorer.  A little bit of research revealed that this explorer was a real dick to his slaves and was in fact, the only member of the Oregon Trail party that thought it would be appropriate to brings a slave.  Moving on.

Saxon - This was only bandied about for about three days.  Three awesome days.  The wife came up with it and I was totally on board.  Mostly because I loved the idea of naming one of my youngsters after an early 80s metal band.  Part of the reason this got rejected was that if we named one of them Saxon, the other one would probably have to be Stryper.  That borders on child abuse.  

Max - This would have been paired with Danger.  Maximus Danger, Max Danger.  This fell into the same trap that Saxon did. If we named one Max Danger the other would have to go by something like Total Destruction, or Mass Damage.  Fun yes, but also a set up for a youth spent in juvenile detention.

Fletcher - One obstacle of naming a child is bad associations with otherwise fine names.  We both liked this name.  I even worked with a Fletcher that was a stand up guy.  But she knew a guy named Fletcher that was kind of a perv.  So Fletcher was out. 

Dexter - Again, big fans of the show.  But naming your kid after a serial killer, even a fictional one is a little nutty.  Also last season was a little meh.

Harrison - This was a strong candidate but one of our best friends who is due right about the same time we are already called dibs.  According to the shotgun bylaws, the laws which govern all childhood rules up to and including who gets the front seat of the car, we had to respect the dibs. 

Stephen - A family name.  A solid name.  The list of the Stephen's that I admire includes, Stephen Colbert, Dr. Steve Novella, Steve Tyler, Stephen Hawking, Stephen Fry, Stephen King, and the guy that sang Magic Carpet Ride.  We went with another family name to honor this same person.

Archer - More on Archery later, but this is also the name of one of my favorite super spies.  

The Winners

Robert Oliver.

Robert is my first name, my father's first name, his father's first name, the name of the guy that played Iron Man, the name of a famous sea captain which explored much of the North West, and yes a sparkly vampire.  But they can't all be winners.  It's flexible too, lots of ways you can go with Robert; Rob Robby, Bob.  None of these matter though as we will be calling him by his middle name.

Oliver is a classic name.  It is also the name of the Green Arrow who is one of my favorite super heroes.    Archery is not only the only sport that I am any good at but also an excellent way to calm your mind.  It was a big part of my childhood and something that I still enjoy today. Also, the initial's will spell ROK. 

Say no to drugs

William Alexander
William is my brothers name, my father-in-law's name, one half of Wild Stallions, Dr. Huxtable, the science guy, an infamous gun slinger in the old west, and arguably the greatest playwright ever to have lived.  I could go on but there really is a crazy long list of famous folk with the name William. William is a flexible name like Robert; with your Bill, Billy, Will, Willy, and Will.I.Am.  But this kid will go by William.
Alexander is a classic name and I have always admired the story of Alexander the Great.  That dude did more in his life than any 10 other people.  Needless to say, I will expect him to conquer most of Persia by his 30th birthday.

When we play D&D I will only let him play a Bard

 Again, sorry about the lack of activity as of late, babies will do that to you.

L&P

The Night of a Thousand Panties

As most of you know I am currently pregnant with twin boys.  I am now in my 33rd week and quite enormous.  It has actually been a fairly easy pregnancy other than the discomfort of two babies wrestling for space.  This week I think baby A is head down, directly on my bladder and baby B has his head in my ribs and bum on my bladder. As a side note:, unless you have been pregnant with twins or more, there is no comparison to 4 arms, 4 legs and two heads fighting for space inside my belly, no singleton pregnancy is like this no matter how big the baby. Needless to say, I have to pee about every 30-45 minutes and my bladder has shrunk to the size of a pea. 

Earlier this week I came down with a bad cough, sore throat, nasal congestion, sneezes, all of the crummy winter cold symptoms.  Because of being full of child(ren) and having already birthed 3 babies, I am wise to the fact that I may "spirtz" occasionally and that crossing my legs while sneezing or coughing is always wise.

Nothing could have prepared me for the "spritzing" that happened this week.  I mean, it was more like a damn sprinkler.  I went to bed Tuesday night around 9 with a mild cough and I woke up at midnight with spazmic, body shaking, hacking coughs that came out of nowhere and every time I had a coughing fit I wet my pants.  No amount of leg crossing could stop the veritable Niagra Falls that would occur when I coughed.  I was so feverish and out of it I could not think clearly enough to do anything but change my panties and pajamas as needed.  I would change, and then immediately need to change again.  I was sitting in the bathroom with the shower on the hottest setting in hopes that the steam would clear the gunk from my lungs, so fortunately for my husband, I never "wet" the bed (although I did have a coughing fit while sitting on the couch, oops).

So when morning came, my loving husband insisted that I call the doctor.  When I called the nurse asked me if I was "leaking fluid", meaning amniotic fluid, you know, like if my water had broken.  I said no, but that I was wetting my pants, when I had a coughing fit.  She wanted to know if I had felt much movement from the babies, I responded that I had not felt as much movement as usual, but that I assumed they would be less active since I was ill.  She said she wanted to check with the doctor and call me back.  So the doctor called me back and insisted that I go to Labor and Delivery at the hospital for monitoring of the babies and that they would figure out how to check my lungs there. 

I cobbled together some dignity, took a shower and when I got dressed, I realized I had gone through all of my "sensible" panties.  All I had left was my "sexy" panties.  When you go to Labor and Delivery you know they will be seeing your panties.  Really, who wants to see a woman who is 33 weeks pregnant with twins and having frequent incontinence wearing a lacy tanga or a filmy thong?  I found a semi-appropriate boy short that was mostly ruffles and headed to the hospital.  Oh, I forgot to mention that Maggie had an important appointment  so Casey took her and the baby and I took our 14 year old with me,  again, what 14 year old wants to see her mother in any kind of anything other than a granny panty. 

After I was checked in and dressed in a gown, they hooked me up to the monitors, exposing my panties to my 14 year old and the nursing staff.  Anyhow, I texted my husband to let him know that I was in Labor and Delivery room 4, he thought I was "in labor", and texted back that he was on his way and should he starting calling family.  Shoot, I meant I was in the Labor and Delivery part of the hospital.  Major text miscommunication.  I called him immediately and let him know all was well and no babies yet. 

I repeatedly told the staff that this was an over reaction and that I was fine and just needed some antibiotics.  Nope, they tested me in all the uncomfortable ways, and then the doctor came in.  He was a man.  Dignity once again lost.  He informed me that it was an over reaction and I was fine.  He gave me a prescription for antibiotics and sent me on my way.  He also suggested in the most pitiful way, that incontinence would likely be resolved once the twins were born or the cough was gone. Yeah, I figured as much. 

Sorry if you were hoping for a more provocative post.

L&P

Thanks and Help

Hey readers, I hope you have been enjoying this blog as much as we have enjoyed writing it.  Our original goal in our writing has been two fold.  First of all, to share the many nearly unbelievable stories of our lives as well as our more benign but silly thoughts with you all.  Secondly, as we are a large and still growing family we are in need of a second income.  I feel that we have done a good job of meeting that first goal but our second goal will require some assistance from you, the reader.

We are about to cross the two thousand mark on page views, that is pretty exciting.  We started this blog over the summer and considering we have really only relied on word of mouth that is a pretty great accomplishment.  Unfortunately, in order for us to produce any kind of income from our blog we require about 15 times that many hits a month.   

Helping us won't be difficult, we aren't really asking much.  Only that you spread the good word.  Some of you have done so and I hope that we have adequately thanked you.

If you look toward the bottom of the screen you will see that there are a few buttons that you can click representative of Facebook, Twitter, Google+ (whatever the hell that is) among others.  If you happen to read an entry and it makes you chuckle it would help us out a lot if you clicked that button so that others may learn of our hilarity.

On the other hand, if you read something that really offends you on our blog, well by jimminy you better click that button so you can show everyone how wrong we are and share you rage at us. 

Then again, if you read something that makes you think, oh that poor family, I should pray for them.  Well I don't claim to know the mind of god, but it seems that if one prayer is good, then fifty might be better!  What better way to get the attention of the almighty than to click one of those buttons that shares our tales with the world? 

Finally, I didn't want it to come to this, but if you don't click on one of those share buttons following a blog entry, I will club this baby seal.

His name is Henry

We thank you for your support, and Henry thanks you.

L&P

Adventures in Maggie Reering Volume 1

Throughout my tenure as a parent to a special needs child I have learned many valuable lessons.  One of these lessons can best be summed up in a quote by Albert Einstein. I include his first name to ensure that you do not confuse this Einstein with the purveyors of my favorite coffee and bagels at Einstein Bagels.  By the way Einstein Bagels, endorsement deals are available for your fine products.

Anyways, Albert Einstein once said, "Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

This was brought into glaring clarity several months back when talking to a co-worker.  We had some down time and conversation turned toward our children and eventually, as any proud father would do, I began to show off pictures of my kids. When I got to pictures of Maggie the co-worker turned to me with a concerned look on her face and asked, "Whats wrong with her?"  Being the eternal optimist that I am I assumed that something was smeared on the picture so I looked at the picture, finding nothing wrong with it I asked her to clarify.  At this co-worker made a gesture to her face and stated, "Her eyes."

"Oh, she has Down syndrome." I responded, not really thinking much of it.
I should point out that this co-worker is of Asian decent so the next part I was going to chalk up to her unfamiliarity with the Kings English.  After all, what other reason could there be for her then saying, "Oh that's bad."

Again, being the eternal optimist I was going to let her clarify since, at least at this point.  She couldn't possibly mean what it sounded like she meant. She continued, "My sister found out that she was going to have one of those and she told that doctor to take it out she didn't want it.  It's really bad."

I'm going to stop here to clarify something because I am treading on delicate territory.  I am not going to go into anything about reproductive rights, or when life begins, or anything like that.  That is not what this blog is about.  Moving on.

At this point in the conversation I was faced with two choices. The first choice was that this woman is a stone cold stupid bitch.  I mean bitch on the Ann Coulter level of Bitchdome.  That reminds me of a joke.

Ann Coulter walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Then the bartender beats her senseless with a softball bat wrapped in barbed wire.

The second choice was that what I might be experiencing was a difference in how various cultures view those with special needs.  I have been told that in the past the Japanese viewed any physical deformity with great shame.  I thought to myself that perhaps this was a view that was prevalent in many Asian cultures.  I didn't have time to look it up mid conversation, so I gave my co-worker the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she was not being rude, just responding to an  individual with Down syndrome in a way that is appropriate in her native culture.  Not unlike a person who is told that being gay is an abomination their entire life without ever actually meeting a gay person may respond.  If an individual grew up never having that "truth" challenged then why would they not think that homosexuality is an abomination.  Then again, a few lines after that verse in the bible it also says that shellfish is an abomination and I have yet to read a news report on Red Lobster being protested by the Westboro Babtist Church.

Moving on.

The academic that I am I was excited for the opportunity to educate her, "There is nothing wrong with her, she just has Down syndrome."  To me, and many other parents of children with special needs, this statements makes perfect sense.  To her it must have sounded like I was saying, "What do you mean your computer is broke, it's just in two pieces now." I make this assumption based on the look of confusion that spread across her face.  She then asked if my wife had known that our daughter had Down syndrome prior to giving birth.  I did not have the time or presence of mind to capture my wife's elegant thoughts on this question which can be viewed here.  I informed her that, yes, my wife did know.

She then asked, "Well why did she have it then?"  in retrospect I am impressed at my ability to not turn from loving and caring father into a machine that's sole purpose is to dispense neck punches to undersized Asian women.  After all, what parent doesn't love having their child referred to as "it".  This coupled with a display of arm movements which can best be described as flabbergasted.

I put the question back to her as to why wouldn't my wife have her, after all, there was nothing wrong with her.

The conversation ended here due to the fact that we were suddenly expected to do work of all things.
I am still unsure if her response to my daughter was ignorance driven, some good old fashioned prejudice, or culturally driven.  Which brings me to my next point.  Other cultures are stupid.  Dammit out of time, I will have to tackle that one next time.


L&P 

It's the Little Things

Typically I use this blog as a soap box to allow my brain to vomit out random tidbits of hilarity that I think the readers may find funny, or to share with you the trials and tribulations that our family endures.  Incidentally, have you ever heard of anyone facing a trial without a tribulation?  It seems that you can have a trial without any big to do.  Trials happen every day like your shoe lace breaking or your gas light popping on to say hello right after you realize you are stuck in traffic and late to work.  Does your gas light have a British accent by the way? Mine does.  Tribulations only seem to come with trials.  I'm not sure that I have ever had a tribulation.  They seem to prefer to frequent famous athletes of African American decent. 

Back to my point,  this is the last day of November and a popular theme on Facebook this month has been thankfulness.  I thought it would be appropriate for me to take a minute and use the opportunity that this blog provides me and spout out a list, (one per day seems to be the appropriate number) of little things that I am thankful for.

1. My family- first and foremost, my motivation for going to work, improving myself and keeping food in the fridge.
2. Gravity - Without it my family would probably leave when annoyed by me.  Gravity keeps them close by.  It also keeps my atoms from getting all up in everyone's business.
3. Spell check 
4. SCIENCE!!! Mostly for thumbing it's nose at the I before E except after C rule.  I is before E and it is placed directly after C... suck it grammar.  Also vaccinations, space exploration, sanitation, and providing pretty much all modern day conveniences.
5. Warm stuff- Included in this is laundry fresh from the drier and a large stack of fresh photocopies.
6. Kneecaps- Anytime I'm watching a movie and some dude gets shot in the kneecaps I think to myself, "Glad I got these beauties."
7. The Movie Predator- If not for this movie it would be weird for me to text my siblings odd hours with the phrase, "GET TO THE CHOPPA". 
8.  The internet - seriously, how much easier is it to not leave the house than it was 15 years ago.  
9. Fudge - Love me some fudge.
10. Giant asteroids- Yeah we don't want one visiting anytime soon.  But I have noticed that my morning commute is pretty light on large reptiles capable of swallowing me whole.  
11. Forgiveness- the reason that my wife does not spend a large portion of her free time slapping me.
12. My parents- good people, dirty minds.
13. Superheroes- I like having an ideal by which to measure myself.  Even if it is a fictional ideal.
14. Orthodontics- Sure, the Brits have Shakespeare, but we have better smiles.
15. Halfway points.
16. Pain medication - There was a time when the best way to deal with getting a limb sawed off was biting down on a leather strap.  No shit.
17. Friends- Really should have been higher on the list, but part of this exercise list is to help us all realize the things that we take for granted.  They really deserve their own blog they are so awesome.
18. Nunchucks - The best way to defend yourself against the Brides of Christ.
19. Time- Although there never seems to be enough of it, it does keep everything from happening at once.
20. Dancing - Both the best way to make my children laugh, and the best way that they can make me laugh.
21. Rubber Gloves - Keeping me millimeters from disgusting stuff.  But important millimeters.
22. My job - I work with quality people and make a difference in the world. Yes I get spat at and punched at, but I get to use my degree and my co-workers are extra rad.
23. Big toes - Just try standing without them, you can't.  Also you look kind of stupid falling all the time.
24. Podcasts - These keep me learning and protecting me from the tyranny of terrestrial radio.
25. The Lottery - Yes I am aware that I am most likely never going to win.  But spending a couple of bucks a week to make my dream of a real life bat cave that much closer is totally worth it.
26. Chocolate - The other reason that my wife does not spend a good portion of her free time slapping me.
27. Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert
28.  Toilet paper - My number one reason for turning down any opportunity to travel into the distant past.
29. Yo Gabba Gabba - Helping me keep my 1 year old entertained so that I can wash the dishes or do any other task that requires 20 minutes.
30. Lists - Seriously, how difficult would it have been to convey all of this thanks without putting it in list form.

 L&P

 

Turkey Day Leftover Ideas

It seems to happen every year, we get this giant turkey, cook enough food to stuff an army, eat as much as we can but try as me might we just can't get through all of the left overs.

That is why today we are doing a special feature on what you can do with your Turkey Day left overs.

1. Are you feuding with your neighbor? Nothing says keep your dog from doing his business on my lawn like a heating duct full of week old yams.
2. Speaking of lawn trouble, are gophers tearing up yours? Fill an old gym sock with some frozen cranberry sauce and offer it to a hobo as a weapon/ payment. He'll gladly bludgeon those rodents and have a thanksgiving of his own as he feasts on the remains.
3. Hey kids? Do you have a teacher that doesn't grade fairly? Maybe Mr. Zastrow will be a little more generous with the A's after you use the remaining turkey bones in a Voodoo blood letting ceremony.
4. Can't find a parking spot? Try mixing week old cranberry sauce with some old mashed potatoes, place in a microwave safe container and heat for about 13 minutes on high. This will form a bubbling boiling pseudo napalm that you can toss into the eyes of rival motorists. Maybe next time Mr. BMW won't be so quick on the gas pedal.
5. Parents, do you have to many children? But your not sure how to choose which ones to get rid of? Good News! You don't have to make that heart wrenching decision, let mother nature take care of it for you! Blind fold those youngsters and cover your excess uncooked pork in brown sugar, (kids love brown sugar!). Let the feast begin and watch the magic of toxoplasmosis. You'll have fewer mouths to feed and less Christmas presents to buy. Thanks Charles Darwin!
6. Does someone in your neighborhood put up their Christmas tree way to early? Take some common wood screws two pounds of glazed ham, and their family cat. Whats fun about this project is you can be creative with it. If you have letter shaped cookie cutters you can either use them, or just cut the ham into the letters you want to use. Together with your family pick out a fun phrase to get your point across. “It's not December yet bozo!, or Give it a rest!” Screw the ham to their front door late at night or when they aren't home (be sure to spell check). Make sure you use screws and not nails as the sound of a hammer will most likely get you caught. After your done with this project, kill their cat and stuff it through their mail slot.
7. Do you get the feeling that the government is listening in on all of your conversations? Soak some .22 rounds in gravy, and shoot every television, computer, phone, and just to be safe, mirror, in your home.
8. Tired of the local fast food restaurant messing up your order? Take the uncooked gibblets from your Turkey and drop it in their ice machine. Salmonella smoothie anyone?
9. Gypsies are a problem that I think every household has to deal with several times a year. Well they won't be spitting curses on you family or picking your pocket after they feel the wrath of your HAM CANNON! 
10. You can also shred the left over turkey and use it in a soup.