It's the Little Things

Typically I use this blog as a soap box to allow my brain to vomit out random tidbits of hilarity that I think the readers may find funny, or to share with you the trials and tribulations that our family endures.  Incidentally, have you ever heard of anyone facing a trial without a tribulation?  It seems that you can have a trial without any big to do.  Trials happen every day like your shoe lace breaking or your gas light popping on to say hello right after you realize you are stuck in traffic and late to work.  Does your gas light have a British accent by the way? Mine does.  Tribulations only seem to come with trials.  I'm not sure that I have ever had a tribulation.  They seem to prefer to frequent famous athletes of African American decent. 

Back to my point,  this is the last day of November and a popular theme on Facebook this month has been thankfulness.  I thought it would be appropriate for me to take a minute and use the opportunity that this blog provides me and spout out a list, (one per day seems to be the appropriate number) of little things that I am thankful for.

1. My family- first and foremost, my motivation for going to work, improving myself and keeping food in the fridge.
2. Gravity - Without it my family would probably leave when annoyed by me.  Gravity keeps them close by.  It also keeps my atoms from getting all up in everyone's business.
3. Spell check 
4. SCIENCE!!! Mostly for thumbing it's nose at the I before E except after C rule.  I is before E and it is placed directly after C... suck it grammar.  Also vaccinations, space exploration, sanitation, and providing pretty much all modern day conveniences.
5. Warm stuff- Included in this is laundry fresh from the drier and a large stack of fresh photocopies.
6. Kneecaps- Anytime I'm watching a movie and some dude gets shot in the kneecaps I think to myself, "Glad I got these beauties."
7. The Movie Predator- If not for this movie it would be weird for me to text my siblings odd hours with the phrase, "GET TO THE CHOPPA". 
8.  The internet - seriously, how much easier is it to not leave the house than it was 15 years ago.  
9. Fudge - Love me some fudge.
10. Giant asteroids- Yeah we don't want one visiting anytime soon.  But I have noticed that my morning commute is pretty light on large reptiles capable of swallowing me whole.  
11. Forgiveness- the reason that my wife does not spend a large portion of her free time slapping me.
12. My parents- good people, dirty minds.
13. Superheroes- I like having an ideal by which to measure myself.  Even if it is a fictional ideal.
14. Orthodontics- Sure, the Brits have Shakespeare, but we have better smiles.
15. Halfway points.
16. Pain medication - There was a time when the best way to deal with getting a limb sawed off was biting down on a leather strap.  No shit.
17. Friends- Really should have been higher on the list, but part of this exercise list is to help us all realize the things that we take for granted.  They really deserve their own blog they are so awesome.
18. Nunchucks - The best way to defend yourself against the Brides of Christ.
19. Time- Although there never seems to be enough of it, it does keep everything from happening at once.
20. Dancing - Both the best way to make my children laugh, and the best way that they can make me laugh.
21. Rubber Gloves - Keeping me millimeters from disgusting stuff.  But important millimeters.
22. My job - I work with quality people and make a difference in the world. Yes I get spat at and punched at, but I get to use my degree and my co-workers are extra rad.
23. Big toes - Just try standing without them, you can't.  Also you look kind of stupid falling all the time.
24. Podcasts - These keep me learning and protecting me from the tyranny of terrestrial radio.
25. The Lottery - Yes I am aware that I am most likely never going to win.  But spending a couple of bucks a week to make my dream of a real life bat cave that much closer is totally worth it.
26. Chocolate - The other reason that my wife does not spend a good portion of her free time slapping me.
27. Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert
28.  Toilet paper - My number one reason for turning down any opportunity to travel into the distant past.
29. Yo Gabba Gabba - Helping me keep my 1 year old entertained so that I can wash the dishes or do any other task that requires 20 minutes.
30. Lists - Seriously, how difficult would it have been to convey all of this thanks without putting it in list form.

 L&P

 

Turkey Day Leftover Ideas

It seems to happen every year, we get this giant turkey, cook enough food to stuff an army, eat as much as we can but try as me might we just can't get through all of the left overs.

That is why today we are doing a special feature on what you can do with your Turkey Day left overs.

1. Are you feuding with your neighbor? Nothing says keep your dog from doing his business on my lawn like a heating duct full of week old yams.
2. Speaking of lawn trouble, are gophers tearing up yours? Fill an old gym sock with some frozen cranberry sauce and offer it to a hobo as a weapon/ payment. He'll gladly bludgeon those rodents and have a thanksgiving of his own as he feasts on the remains.
3. Hey kids? Do you have a teacher that doesn't grade fairly? Maybe Mr. Zastrow will be a little more generous with the A's after you use the remaining turkey bones in a Voodoo blood letting ceremony.
4. Can't find a parking spot? Try mixing week old cranberry sauce with some old mashed potatoes, place in a microwave safe container and heat for about 13 minutes on high. This will form a bubbling boiling pseudo napalm that you can toss into the eyes of rival motorists. Maybe next time Mr. BMW won't be so quick on the gas pedal.
5. Parents, do you have to many children? But your not sure how to choose which ones to get rid of? Good News! You don't have to make that heart wrenching decision, let mother nature take care of it for you! Blind fold those youngsters and cover your excess uncooked pork in brown sugar, (kids love brown sugar!). Let the feast begin and watch the magic of toxoplasmosis. You'll have fewer mouths to feed and less Christmas presents to buy. Thanks Charles Darwin!
6. Does someone in your neighborhood put up their Christmas tree way to early? Take some common wood screws two pounds of glazed ham, and their family cat. Whats fun about this project is you can be creative with it. If you have letter shaped cookie cutters you can either use them, or just cut the ham into the letters you want to use. Together with your family pick out a fun phrase to get your point across. “It's not December yet bozo!, or Give it a rest!” Screw the ham to their front door late at night or when they aren't home (be sure to spell check). Make sure you use screws and not nails as the sound of a hammer will most likely get you caught. After your done with this project, kill their cat and stuff it through their mail slot.
7. Do you get the feeling that the government is listening in on all of your conversations? Soak some .22 rounds in gravy, and shoot every television, computer, phone, and just to be safe, mirror, in your home.
8. Tired of the local fast food restaurant messing up your order? Take the uncooked gibblets from your Turkey and drop it in their ice machine. Salmonella smoothie anyone?
9. Gypsies are a problem that I think every household has to deal with several times a year. Well they won't be spitting curses on you family or picking your pocket after they feel the wrath of your HAM CANNON! 
10. You can also shred the left over turkey and use it in a soup.