How to Eat a Doughnut in 100 Easy Steps

How to Eat a Doughnut in 100 Easy Steps

(a guide for parents of large families)

1. Remove doughnut from the box you purchased yesterday. Come on you didn't think you were going to get it the first day did you? Sucker.
2. Place doughnut on a plate.
3. Put the plate someplace that the babies cannot reach it.
4. Move plate to someplace that the toddler cannot reach it.
5. Notice poopy diaper.
6. Prepare to change the daiper.
7. Remove babies onesie.
8. Begin to remove diaper.
9. Move babies hand away from poop.
10. Move babies hand away from poop again.
11. Wipe poop from your hand.
12. Complete diaper removal.
13. Wipe baby clean with baby wipe.
14. Pick up second baby.
15. Place second baby away from first baby.
16. Wipe poop from second babies hand.
17. Wipe poop from your own hand again.
18. Finish wiping first baby clean.
19. Wipe poop from your own hand again.
20. Remove second babies hand from first babies genitals.
21. Move baby two farther away.
22. Fasten diaper on baby one.
23. Look longingly at doughnut.
24. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for second baby.
25. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for toddler.
26. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for first baby again.
27. Forget doughnut existed.
28. Remove laundry from drier.
29. Move laundry from washing machine to drier.
30. Start new load of laundry.
31. Start new episode Paw Patrol for the toddler.
32. Repeat steps 5 through 23 for baby number two again.
33. Make mental note to wash hands before making lunch.
34. Begin making lunch.
35. Shrug shoulders, wash hands.
36. Notice doughnut.
37. Place babies in high chairs.
38. Reach for doughnut.
39. Catch baby falling from high chair.
40. Fasten baby into high chair, for real this time.
41. Give babies and toddler lunch.
42. Pick up food from floor because toddler, “DOESN'T WANT CARROTS!”
43. Pick up and comfort crying toddler because you said she needed to have one bite.
44. Look longingly at doughnut.
45. Get toddler crackers and cheese.
46. Pick up crackers and cheese from the floor because toddler, “WANTS CARROTS!”
47. Remove babies from high chairs.
48. Forget about doughnut.
49. Make quesadilla for the 14 year old.
50. Start “North Avenue Irregulars” for the 14 year old.
51. Remove climbing babies from the table top.
52. Gather bottles for all interested parties.
53. Remove babies from the table top again.
54. Lay all chairs in the house on their sides to prevent babies from climbing on the table top.
55. Lay toddler in bed surrounded by books.
56. Offer eternal soul to Jesus, Satan, Buddha, Odin, Kirk Cameron, Aquaman, Morgan Freeman, and anyone else willing listen to ensure the toddler takes a nap.
57. Pick up crying baby number 1.
58. Change diaper.
59. Pick up both crying babies and adjust bottles their mouths.
60. Answer door with foot.
61. Politely decline religious solicitation while attempting to set fire to hand held pamphlets with your mind.
62. Set down crying babies in order to attend to screaming toddler.
63. Refill toddlers nap time beverage of choice.
64. Remember doughnut.
65. Pick up babies and bottles.
66. Rock until baby is asleep.
67. Attempt to set baby in crib.
68. Pick screaming baby back up.
69. Repeat step 66.
70. Attempt to set down baby number two.
71. Repeat steps 66 through 68.
72. Sob uncontrollably.
73. Place babies in cribs.
74. Repeat step 49.
75. Help 15 year old with homework.
76. Listen to 15 year old pitch idea about Firefly fan fiction.
77. Dick around on Facebook for 3 minutes.
78. Remember doughnut.
79. Repeat steps 28 through 30.
80. Repeat step 68.
81. Attempt to use restroom.
82. Release remaining pride as screaming and thrashing baby attempts to deseat you from atop the toilet while being held in your arms.
83. Repeat step 72 and 66.
84. Attempt to clean kitchen while holding sleeping baby.
85. Remember doughnut.
86. Attempt to set baby down on couch.
87. Repeat step 68.
88. Offer crying baby bottle, toys, and money in that order.
89. Place sleeping baby on couch.
90. Repeat step 77.
91. Repeat steps 50 and 56.
92. Return to doughnut.
93. Search for doughnut.
94. Find 15 year old.
95. Watch as 15 year old devours the last of the doughnut.
96. Contain unfathomable despair and rage.
97. Repeat step 57.
98. Change diaper.
99. Repeat step 72.
100. Begin cooking dinner.

Well kids that is a peak into our daily lives. I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget we still have some raffle tickets for sale here. We appreciate all of the support we have received thus far and are close to reaching our goal.

Cheers.

L&P

Act Now!

For those of you who have not been following us on the regular I shall quickly bring you up to speed.  We are helping our oldest child raise funds in order to explore the world abroad, specifically Europe.  One of the ways we are doing this is selling raffle tickets.The winner of said raffle will find themselves the owner of a hand made quilt generously donated by Marcia Kendall.

Pretty ain't it?

 We have spent a lot of time telling you how your participation in this assists us, our daughter, and the world in general.  Where we have been dropping the ball is letting you know about all of the benefits of quilt ownership.  So without further adieu (that's a French word)...

1. Quilts are natural warlock replant.  If you don't buy a ticket, I can't guarantee that you won't fall prey to the evil eye of some wandering spell caster.   
2. The government can't hear your thoughts when you are underneath this quilt.  The rebellion is counting on you!
3. If you don't buy a ticket, the terrorists win! Seriously, nothing pisses a terrorist off like an educated young woman.  You don't love terrorists do you?
4. The prophecy foretold it.
5. You can use it to smother out the fire after you attempt to juggle flaming bowling balls. Seriously, what were you thinking anyways?
6. It is possible that the fabric used in this quilt came from the same material used in Aladdin's flying carpet... sure why not.
7. It is the same kind of quilt that Superman would own.
8. It makes a good cape.
9. It might quiet the voices in your head.  Doubtful, but I guess it's worth trying.
10. Monsters can not see you when you are underneath this quilt.  
11. While this quilt is not designed to be used as a contact lens, it is easy on the eyes.
12.  It can be used as a flotation device, assuming that you lay it down over an actual flotation device.
13. It will make you desirable to the opposite sex, or same sex the quilt does not judge.
14. It will keep your secrets.
15. After winning the quilt you will get to walk the cocky walk of a quilt owner.  No one can take that away from you.  Unless they take the quilt I guess.

Now that you are quivering with something that doctors refer to as  "Quilt Lust" I will encourage you to click here and find the donation and raffle ticket instructions.  

Cheers.

L&P

R Word Part Deux

      A while back I posted this blog including some arguments and counter arguments regarding use of the R word. Something that I did not cover well in this entry was why the R word should not be used. While this might be obvious to some, others may require a bit of explanation. Being that we are advocates for special needs education, it makes sense that we should also be advocates for educating others about those with special needs.

      I suppose I can start by telling you that what inspired this post was an exchange with an old friend who had used the R word in a face book post. I feel compelled to point out to anyone that I feel is smart enough to discuss the topic without feeling attacked that using the R word is thoughtless and rude. I have found that I get better success when these discussions are private and I do my best to make sure the other party does not feel attacked or shamed.

     The discussion I had with this particular friend was a perfect example of how it should go. The following is a quick summation of how the discussion went.

Me: Hey dude, that hurts my feelings.

Friend: I’m sorry, I wasn't trying to be a dick.

Me: I know you’re not a dick you are awesome.

Friend: No YOU are awesome.

Me: No you are awesome, also handsome.

Friend: You too!

Hugs.

So without further adieu,

1. It is Rude: If I was to meet a person named Richard and I immediately began to refer to him as Dick I would be considered rude. If said Richard was polite and patient and said something along the lines of, “I prefer Rich or Richard” but then I continued to call him Dick, then which of us would be the dick? I think you know the answer….Its me, just in case you didn't know the answer. In case you had not received the memo, no one wants to be called the R word. The R word is hate speech.
2. It makes you look like an asshole: Like I just stated using the R word is hate speech. If you would be comfortable substituting any other word you know to be hate speech for the R word and would not bat an eye. Then congratulations, you, sir or madam, are an asshole. However, if you would be comfortable using the R word, but hesitate at use of another word that is considered hate speech, maybe one that starts with the letter N, then maybe you are just a hypocrite and a coward.. This brings me to my next point.
3. If you use the R word then you are bully: Sarah Silverman, made an excellent point (not about the R word but about something else), when discussing the use of hate speech. Some hate speech is considered a bit naughty, but it is socially acceptable. While other hate speech makes you a social pariah. For example; racial slurs about Asians are acceptable on prime time television, while hate speech about African Americans is a big no no. The point that Ms. Silverman makes is that the reason for this is that no one is afraid of Asians so it is ok to make fun of them. Whether she means physically afraid, or financially afraid (think bus boycott) I do not know. The same reasoning applies to use of the R word. If someone lets loose with one slur but hesitates at other slurs, then we can pretty easily draw the conclusion that it is because they either do not fear or do not respect one of those groups. What makes this person a bully is that they are essentially beating up the group that can defend itself the least. Speaking of respect…
4. You are also disrespecting the advocates: Every aspect of our lives is affected by the fact that we have a child with special needs. I mean EVERY. I will not list these off as I feel that would become tedious and I have a hard enough time staying on task. I may go into this in greater detail at a later date, but for now I’m going to just ask that you trust me when I say that we do not even get a break when we are asleep. We work hard to try to ensure that Maggie has the best quality of life possible. We take a lot of pride in this while at the same time always feel as though we could be doing more. When someone uses the R word, they are not only disrespecting our child, but also us because they are being dismissive of our child who also deserves respect. 
5. You are on the losing side of history: Much can be told about a culture by it’s language. When I was a kid I was told that Eskimos had 100 different words for snow. I did not realize until I was older that this was not a reflection of how boring it must be to talk to an Eskimo, but of how big a role snow played to the lives of Eskimos. The huge number of words for snow reflected the many different kinds of snow and subtle differences which would most likely be lost to me. Also, I’m pretty sure that the number 100 is wrong but I don’t feel like looking it up. The reason I bring this up is because our language is a snapshot of who, when, and where we are. If I was to talk to an elderly person from the south and they dropped the N word but did not seem to do so in a hateful fashion, I would probably just assume that the reason that they thought this was an acceptable thing to do was because, it is a reflection of their era. While this person’s grandchildren would be horrified (I hope), at the cavalier use of such a hateful word, it would be a peek into a time when it was not considered a hateful word at all. I am not psychic but when considering current trends towards tolerance and cultural sensitivity, I think it is safe to assume that the R word is going the way of the Dodo. So please, if you do not want to embarrass your grandchildren, be a bully, be an asshole, or just be disrespectful to yours truly, start to make correction action to your language now.

I realize that this entry may not effect any change whatsoever.  Some who read this may consider me overly 

sensitive.  We are Maggie's parents and it is our responsibility to advocate for her at every turn. If you still 

feel the need to use this word I will encourage you to remember what Jesus said.

"Don't be a dick."

Jesus is a guy I worked at a restaurant with.

L&P 

Time is Drawing Near

Hey folks, first of all we’d like to start by thanking everyone that has participated in the fund raising thus far.  We are flattered and floored with appreciation by the out pouring of love. Since time is rapidly closing on our deadline we need to kick things up a notch and are doing so via raffle. 

The first item we are raffling is a hand made quilt donated to us and pictured below.

My mom made this, she's got mad skillz.

Tickets are $5 a piece and can be purchased by clicking the donate button below.

Once you have donated here then kindly let us know via email and we will sign you up for the appropriate amount of tickets. 

In other words, if you want 4 tickets, simply donate $20, let us know who you are and that you want the tickets.

After we very that your donation has been made we will reserve your tickets and text or email you a picture of them.

Due to time and funds needed we cannot sign anyone up for tickets that have donate previously but rest assured that you will receive total enlightenment on your death bed.  So you got that going for you.

The drawing will be held once we have sold 100 tickets.

Again we appreciate the support and look forward to keeping you posted on our progress.

Cheers

L&P

Kids Say the Darnedest... On No

My Crotch HURTS!!!!!

These are the words erupted from my two year old while in the dressing room with her mother and oldest sister while on a dress hunting expedition.  After getting a reaction from her audience she repeated the sentence over and over and yet still over with increasing volume.  Needless to say, she most likely learned the word "crotch" from yours truly.  I'm fairly certain that she heard use of this word when I was changing her diaper and was struggling to keep her hands away from the mess contained therein.  Of course I did not say this phrase directly.  I remember the conversation.

Me: Stop trying to touch your crotch kid.
Kid: Crotch?
Me: Oh shit, don't say crotch ok?
Kid: Shit crotch?
Me: Dammit, um... do you want to watch Paw Patrol?
Kid: PAW PATROL!
Me: That should fix it.

I'm still pretty certain that she does not know what most of the words that I said during this conversation mean save Paw Patrol.  Only that she knows that in using them she got a reaction.  One of the most enjoyable and terrifying things is watching my children learn.  They are always learning.  Especially, it would seem, when I am hoping that they are not paying attention.

This has lead to a sobering awareness of my own actions.  One day, I was having what I consider a fully justifiable temper tantrum.  I don't remember why.  The toddler asked, "Are you mad dad?"
This made me aware that I was being watched and that, unless I wanted to see me at my least cool echoed in my children then I needed to get my shit together.  I took a deep breath and tried to make this a teaching moment.  "Yes Merritt, daddy is mad."

She responded by telling me, "I'm Madder!" she then clenched her tiny fists, thrust them down at her sides, then stomped around our home yelling, "I'm Madder!!!" She wasn't, she was just doing what she saw dad do.  It occurred to me that this is probably what I looked like to her.  Wow, I look like a child when I'm angry.  This did much to alleviate the stress I was feeling and replaced it with a healthy dose of shame.  Vader like, the student had become the master.

One of my first observations about being a parent was that I finally understood how much my parents loved me.  I knew that it wasn't the first lesson that my children would teach me. I know this latest lesson is far from the last.  If we do our jobs right and I keep learning from them and they keep learning from me, then in a couple of decades, we'll see just shy of a half dozen new and improved versions of my wife and I but with a few of our less flattering habits and an increase in the things that we are proud that we do.

Of course, they are their own people and while we will have great influence over what kind of people they will turn into, they will be who they will be.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  As long as they don't turn out to be Beliebers.

Cheers
L&P

The Benefit of Experience

A few days back I put up a post about how we are fundraising to send my oldest child to Europe. I should point out by the way that she is going voluntarily and we are not attempting to have her deported.  What I have yet to address is why she is going and what are benefits to you, the reader.

The following is small list of reasons that you should contribute to my child's globe trotting experience.

1. The world is getting smaller - With the popularity of the internet the world is a smaller place, unfortunately much of our smaller world is taken in sample sized portions.  For instance, many young people will grow up thinking that this picture is all that they need to know about Asian cultures... you know what, I was just did a google image search for Asian to see what would pop up and pick the most racially insensitive one, but holy shit, just holy shit.  Anyways, if you do that you will see that my point is made.  Christ, I need to go wash out my eyes. Her greater understanding of the world after this experience and sharing of this experience will help to add texture to the world when she describes it to her peers. 
2. She may not have another opportunity like this - True, I don't have a typical life experience being that I have 5 kids and all, but the time to travel is when you are young are beholden to no one but yourself.  I have a friend that went skydiving about a decade ago.  I thought it sounded crazy then.  Now that we both have kids, anything more dangerous than friendly game of shuriken tag sounds totally irresponsible.
3. She is a great ambassador -  I went to grade school with a kid named Bobby that was from Iceland.  He was nice and always played Ram-Man when we played He-Man.  To this day whenever I meet someone from Iceland, which is rarely, I always assume that they are polite and have a tendency to headbutt things. While I realize this is illogical, I still do it.  My kid is rad and in her travels she will single handedly erase the bad stereotypes about Americans that the Taliban is working so hard to sow into the subconscious of those in Europe.  You don't love terrorists do you? I'm not saying that she could possibly stop the next 9/11 type attack, but I am saying that if you love freedom, it is probably in your best interest to donate. 
4. Social Justice - We are in a strange place financially speaking.  We are not rich enough to just write a check, nor are we poor enough to qualify for a show on TLC.  Anyone who ever enjoyed any sporting movie has rooted for the underdog.  By supporting my kid's trip to Europe you are helping a child of meager means have an experience usually reserved for the rich.  This is like helping Rocky punch Ivan Drago, or helping Hoops win the regatta, or helping Arnold Schwarzenegger fight the T-1000, the Predator, or a paternity test.

That's not a bad start, I'll get back at you with more advantages and a link to a blog that she is going to be writing as well as keeping you up to speed with her progress.

Until then, click here for your contributions.  

Thank you

L&P  

and there's Parliament...again

If you are a regular visitor to this blog you have noticed an extreme drop off in the frequency of posts.  Trust that there have been several attempts at updates but they have been interrupted by, well... let me just try to summarize the last few months.

Maggie went to the hospital, Maggie went to the hospital again, we thought Maggie had pneumonia, then we thought she had  vasculitis, then we thought she may have leukemia, turns how she just had strep.  Then a bunch of produce fell on my wife while shopping, then the car broke, then the other car broke, then the cars got fixed then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then crying crying and crying, also sleep deprivation, a near hostage situation, braces, then a f'd up situation regarding medications, and finally the boys keeping banging their heads on crap.

Yeah, that all happened.

That being said, I'd like to introduce you to our next endeavor.  My 15 year old is going to Europe. We are working on  funding that, since we are all about crowd sourcing so I'd like to invite you to check out her page.

It's Right Here

We are not looking for hand outs (although they are gratefully accepted) we are looking to find ways in which she can earn this money.  Things like dog walking, baby sitting, baby walking, dog sitting, bathing any combination of dogs and/or babies, car cleaning, house sitting, or anything else in this vein. 

In addition, I am offering personal self defense classes at a discounted rate (if you didn't know I taught martial arts for about a decade) as well as group zombie defense classes (Z Fu, yes this is a real thing) and finally I will perform unsanctioned 1 man reenactments of movies I have seen way to many times.  Currently the menu consists of Ghostbusters, The Three Amigos, Big Trouble In Little China, Dances With Wolves, White Men Can't Jump, Grease, The Princess Bride, and Die Hard. You should be forewarned that these performances will be terrible.  Just terrible.  You are basically paying to watch me make an ass of myself.

If you are interested in any of these please email us at Levityandperspective@gmail.com.

That is all for now I hope your new year is starting off well and that you are keeping warm if you are in an area effected by the arctic death zone.

Cheers, 

L&P