Birthday Blues

I can remember how much I looked forward to my birthday and Christmas as a youngster. Without being weighed down by any knowledge of economics and the burden of Santa’s actual address, the sky was the limit when it came to not only what I could ask for, but also what I expected.

For several years running, I asked for a lightsaber. Not a toy one. A real one. One that could cut through things. A green one. A REAL GREEN LIGHTSABER.

This one

When I was a kid, the rule about opening presents was “no sour grapes”. In other words. Be thankful for the gifts you receive and no bad attitudes.

I think I did a pretty good job of following this rule but that didn’t mean that I didn’t suffer in silence when I realized that all of the gifts had been opened and I remained without my Jedi weapon of choice.

In hindsight, I do not blame my parents for this. After all, lightsabers would be a very irresponsible gift for a child and they do not exist.

Enter our son Oliver. 

Hi

In the unlikely event that you are unfamiliar with our fun family dynamic, I’ll quickly inform you that Oliver is our youngest of five children. He is also a twin. His birthday is December 23rd. Which, as my wife is fond of saying, means that he has to share a birthday with his brother and Jesus.

Meeting birthday expectations is already a steep climb for parents, steeper when said expectations are not grounded in physics or a realistic budget.

I have included an incomplete list of some of Oliver’s demands.

• That sword
• That power ranger’s Zord
• That thing on your back that you put two swords and then go like this (ninja like sword drawing maneuvers)
• That motorcycle
• That motorcycle too
• A dog with pointy ears
• A robot dog with pointy ears
• That thing that you put on a horse and you ride behind it and do this (indecipherable hand gestures)
•  A REAL power ranger suite
• All of the power ranger Zords
• A remote control Spiderman motorcycle
• That black remote control car that we saw at the store that one time
• A horse thing that you sit on (saddle?)
• That game
• A horse
• That game too
• A real robot that does that thing
• All of the video games
• A lightsaber

Since we live in the future most of the television consumed by our children is via streaming services, thus commercial free. On the rare occasion that Oliver (or any of our kids) does watch television with commercials the request list spikes considerably.

I don’t want to give the impression that our youngest is the only one making these requests.  He’s not.  However, he is the most vocal and repetitive of our quintet. On a slow day, Oliver has a cruising speed of approximately 55 RPH (requests per hour).

We typically acknowledge these requests with a canned, “We’ll see” or “Maybe”, or “Can you draw a picture of it that we can send to Santa?”, or “Maybe if you change the oil in the Subaru we can come to some kind of arrangement.”

We know that this is typical kid behavior. As mind numbing as it can be to hear the same request for the 100th time in a three-hour period we manage the frustration for the constant demands for our attention. He is not always going to ask us for things. There will be a day when he can buy all of his own things and we will be out of the loop. The tricky duality of parenthood is both looking forward to and dreading that day.

Maybe someday science will catch up with my kid’s demands and he can get that lightsaber. By then he will be old enough to responsibly wield it. Until that day, I have some shopping to do. By December 23rd these should be just about ready.

Cheers,

L&P

10 Minutes (Adventures in Maggie Rearing Vol. 4)

For those of you not in the know about parenting a kid with special needs, we have to keep our head on a swivel. All day every day. From the time we wake up to... well also while we are asleep, when we sleep. We don' really sleep.  True this can be said of the parenting experience on the whole but I find that the times I let my guard down for Maggie related issues the consequences are especially trying.  Take for instance the morning routine.

6:15 Wake up and begin coffee, breakfast, and making lunches.

6:30 Starting waking the 6 year old up.

6:45 Deliver 6 year old her breakfast and first outfit choice.

6:47 Remind 6 year old her breakfast is getting cold and present second outfit choice.

6:49 Dry 6 year old's tears because she hates the first two outfits, remind her that breakfast is getting cold, attempt to find (weather inappropriate) outfit request.

6:55 Reheat breakfast because it's TOO COLD and explain that the requested clothes are dirty but we can wash them for tomorrow. Help 6 year old into outfit choice 1.

7:00 Deliver Maggie's breakfast, turn on Abba Pandora.

7:02 Remind the twins that it's not TV time yet. Attempt 1 at getting boys to eat.

7:09 Remove all art supplies from the 6 year old, remind her that breakfast is going to get cold again and begin the shoe struggle.

7:11 Remind the twins that it's not TV time yet, feeding attempt 2.

7:15 Begin tooth brushing odyssey.

7:20 Take the 6 year old to school

7:30 Remind the twins it's still not time for TV, feeding attempt 3, and get boys dressed... where did you get a sword?

7:35 Help Maggie get dressed.

7:38 Stop the bleeding, seriously, where did you get a sword?

7:45  Put out the fire (for legal reasons please assume that this is a metaphor)

7:50 Begin watching for the bus.

Now we enter the danger zone and where we get the title for this particular blog entry. Part of the deal with having a kiddo with special needs is that the bus picks her up at the house rather than having to strut her out to a bus stop. For the last several weeks the bus has shown up pretty much right at 8:00 am. It's not uncommon that we miss the bus for reasons that are out of our control. The following is not a complete list but should give you an idea of some of the things that can take longer than tem minutes to remedy and may result in Maggie missing the bus.

• Foodmergency (cold)
• Twin Brawl
• Cat-aclysm
• Foodmergency (hot)
• Pokemeltdown
• Pootasrophy
• Apparel mishap
• T.V.engence
• Egg Failure
• Wafflop
• Shoebacle (hot)
• Total System Failure
• Under caffeination
• Udder caffeination
• Laundry adversity
• Act of God (Abrahamic) 
• Slips
• Spills
• Band Aid Snobbery
• Act of Gods (Hindu)
• Blatant disregard for authority
• Missing socks
• Blight
• Disco Fever 

  The bus driver, a lovely woman, and I have developed a system wherein I give her a thumbs up or thumbs down regarding whether or not we will be utilizing her services that morn . If I'm not at the window then it is likely that someone overslept, someone has a fever, or we are scraping cat innards off of something.

To be clear, I'm not blaming the bus driver for the days that Maggie misses the bus. Nor do I have a better solution for getting her to school on time. Well, not one grounded in reality at least. But just for fun lets say; drone delivery, self driving car, griffin, and magic banana.

The only reason that this is an Adventure in Maggie Rearing is because I arbitrarily selected Maggie's bus pick up time as a snapshot of our home. It could have just as easily been an adventure in punctuality; but I love that picture of Maggie too much to not use it. 

I hope you enjoyed this peak into our home.

Cheers,

L&P

Adventures in Maggie Rearing Vol. 3

Well we haven't had one of these in a while and clearly our sweet Maggie was worried that you'd all forgotten about what an adventure she can be.

One of the most challenging/terrifying/interesting/terrifying things about raising a child that has special needs that is largely nonverbal is that she can't tell you where she's been, what she's thinking, if she's in pain, or if she wants a sandwich.  This isn't to say that we have issues understanding Maggie. For instance, she pretty much always wants a sandwich.

A couple of weeks back we were lucky enough to find ourselves at the coast with family. We were having a great time. By that I mean William had been vomiting enough that we decided it would be a good idea to take him to the Emergency Room.
After all, what family vacation is complete without at least one trip to the hospital.

Long story short, Will is fine.

Back to Maggie.

We were shy one adult, and worried about sweet William when I left Maggie on the porch. Leaving my daughter with food in hand, tablet playing a movie in the other, and water bottle in lap, I let my guard down for the same amount of time that it takes to make one ham sandwich.

I don't mean any kind of fancy panini affair either. Just strait up ham and provolone; no bells or whistles for this gent thank you very much.  Ok maybe some avocado, but come on! It's got the good fat!

Anyways shortly after slathering on some mustard I noticed that Maggie's familiar noises were absent from the porch. I wandered outside and found Maggie's shoes, tablet, sandwich, and water bottle, but the porch was decidedly sans Maggie.

I asked our host and the surrounding children if any of them knew where she was; with all answers in the negative panic began to set in. My first thought was that she may have seen a neighbor's hot tub and decided that it was a good time and place to take a bath.  After all, Maggie views conventional etiquette as optional.  My search resulted in no Maggie. Maggie's older sister and friend began a search of the area.  I was worried that Maggie had decided to take a walk to the beach by herself which could result in the rest of my life having significantly less Maggie than I prefer.

As I encountered strangers I asked them, "Have you seen a child with Down Syndrome? She's wearing tan shorts and she's... most likely the only child with Down Syndrome walking around alone." I was able to figure out that Maggie hadn't made it to the only beach access point that she knew about and before long I had a small group of strangers helping me search.

Thank you strangers.

My second concern was that we were very close to a highway. My anxiety was now growing that Maggie might be struck by a car, or inside a car with someone of ill intent.

I hopped in my car and began making my way towards the highway when I thankfully saw a shoeless Maggie being led by the hand by her sister's friend back towards the beach house. She had been sitting calmly in a small cafe patiently awaiting someone to come find her.

As to how she got to the cafe, we have a few theories.

1. Maggie may have wandered off of the porch and realized that the rocks hurt her bare feet and rather than risk the discomfort, just decided to stay on the smooth asphalt.
2. Maggie may have been wandered off of the porch for reasons we will never know, got somehow turned around, and simply lost her way. This might sound weird considering that she may have only gone thirty or so feet. But keep in mind that she was in an unfamiliar place and her eyesight isn't great.
3. Maggie had been watching the other teens take walks and thought to herself, "Hey, what am I doing hanging out with these little kids? I'm a teenager too! I'm taking myself a walk!"
4. This is the scariest one and may not have occured to me unless I lived in a town with a storied history of human trafficking, but Maggie may have been abducted. I've never kidnapped anyone before but I assume that a kid with special needs might be seen as an easy target.  It's possible, that her would-be abductor lured her off of the porch, realized that someone requiring as much care and attention as Maggie needs would fetch less than ideal market value, and booted her out of their van. I'm making an assumption that this would have been a van. But come on, we were all assuming van in this scenario right?
5. Finally, the stupid scenario. It's possilbe however unlikely that Maggie is a time travler. She may have warped to an alternate dimension in which she rescued a unicorn, fought off zombie hordes, and poured a perfect Manhatten for Fat Tony on the Simpsons.

Sadly and strangely, we will never know the answer. Her total absence from us was between 20 and 30 minutes.  It was a new kind of fear that I hope to never experience again. We are so happy to have her back safe and sound. Also, from now on I'm keeping one eye on her, and one on the provalone.

Cheers,

L&P

Quotable Quotes

Merritt is four years old now.

We decorated Unicorn horns.

She has been since May 3rd. It has been a challenge to get her to buy into this concept. Most conversations on the subject have proceeded as follows.

Me: Hey Merritt did you know that you are four years old now?

Merritt: No, I'm three.

Me: You turned four a couple of months ago.

Merritt: No dad, I'm only three, I'm not big enough to be four. See (stretches to her tip toes and reaches her hands as high as they can go), I'm not big enough. I'm only three.

Me: Merritt, are you afraid of being four?

Merritt: I don't want to be four.

Me: Why not?

Merritt: I want to be a little kid.

Me: You are still a little kid when you are four. Merritt you are always going to be my little kid. Even when you are five, even when you are six, even when you are sixty, you are always going to be my little kid. I love you so so much and I'm so proud of you and I'll never not be your daddy.

Merritt: ...

Me: So are you ready to be four now?

Merritt: I'm going to beep your nose now. (squeezes my nose) Beep.

And with that she turns on her heel and begins to play.
She isn't the only one that has come up with some memorable lines. This conversation happened between William and his mother several weeks ago late at night.

Beth: Are you ready to go to sleep yet big guy?

William: Yeth (he has a little bit of a lisp).

Beth: Do you want to go lay down in bed?

William: Yeth.

Beth: Wait, are you peeing on me?

William: Yeth!

Every morning that my work schedule allows me to be at home Oliver and I have the following conversation.

Oliver: Daddy, Where'd your glasses go?

Me: I think they are by the elephant (humidifier).

Oliver: Thinking thinking thinking (arms crossed with one finger tapping his chin. Then racing to retrieve my glasses and bringing them to me.) Where'd your phone go?

Me: Can you find it?

Oliver: It's a mystery! (Runs to where my phone is plugged in and brings it to me) I found it!

This exchange has some variety as occasionally Oliver suspects, "bandits" of taking daddy's phone.
I know that I need to appreciate these gems now because before I know it Merritt wanting to practice her "Inja Moves" (ninja moves), will turn into eye rolls. Oliver's bright eyed "Where'd it go?" when failing to hide large objects behind his back will turn into angry stomps into his room. And William's excited high pitched shrieks of joy will turn into passive aggressively ignoring our requests to clean a room, pick up socks, or empty a dishwasher.

I wanted to post these little memories here today because I know that when that transition happens I may need to reread this and remind myself of how adorable they once were.

Not that the older kids have been guilty of this. I'm just taking advantage of the tools at my disposal today.
I will close with one of William's knock knock jokes.

William: Knock Knock

Me: Who's there?

William: Madeleine.

Me: Madeleine who?

William: I"m not Madeleine!

Hilarious.

Cheers,
L&P

Tips and Tricks

So as you, the frequent reader knows, we have five children, a 17 year old, a 15 year old that has Down syndrome with a smattering of autism, a four year old who identifies as a three year old, and twin two year olds. One of the most frequent questions that we get is, "How do you manage?"

Well being that we do this blog not only to share our story but also to help out fellow parents, I thought it would be sporting to answer this question with our organization tips that we use to help keep our sanity.

So here it goes.

1. Put all of the kids' diapers on at once: Changing a diaper takes about 3 minutes. Since the boys have twin power, they have synchronized their bowel movements, every time there is a diaper change, there are two diaper changes. That means roughly 6 minutes for every poo. The way that we shave time off of this chore is to put 7 or 8 diapers on the kid first thing in the morning. Sure the clothes are a bit snug but the time you save just stripping off only the outer most diaper is invaluable.
2. Always wear a hockey mask. Kids can be messy; we have a hard enough time trying to keep them clean. A hockey mask not only keeps the kids messes off of me, but it is surprisingly comfortable. Also kids LOVE masks!
3. Cry Driving: When you have three toddlers begging for your attention at all times, the tension mounts. Being overwhelmed isn't an occasional occurrence; it's a way of life! I've found that the best way to release some of that pressure is when behind the wheel. Not only does this assist in getting out of tickets (no officer with a heart can ticket a sobbing 37 year old man) but it models good driving habits for our 17 year old. Namely, being able to multitask when driving.
4. If you have a child with special needs then you know the frustration of trying to get the school district to follow through with your kids IEP (Individual Education Plan). Save time and frustration by assuming everyone involved in your child's education is stupid. During the IEP meeting speak slowly and clearly. Bring shiny objects to keep thier attention and a punching bag to release the rage in a safe place. (Side note, this does not apply to Maggie's grade school teacher, that woman is a mother f'n saint!)
5. Remember not to neglect the emotional needs of your spouse. Make eye contact at least three times a day.
6. Showering can take up to 20 minutes and is only considered a necessary daily activity in some westernized countries. Aquaman never showers and he is the King of Atlantis. If not showering daily is good enough for royalty, then maybe it's good enough for you too. Think about it.
7. Sleep is a necessary evil, but the bible says that we should work against evil. Utilize the knowledge that god gave you and fight that drowsy eyed demon with the chemistry of amphetamines.
8. Maintaining the safety and security of your home is your responsibility as the adult in the home. Purchase a hand gun and fire it into the air outside your home at random times throughout the day and night. Soon your reputation will grow and no one will dare come within spitting distance of your abode.
9. A pet is a great way to teach your child responsibility. But if your child neglects the dog or cat then guess who’s on the hook for animal neglect? Not your toddler that's for sure! Cut out the middle man and just leave an animal carcass someplace in your house.
10. Take time for yourself. Of course, no one in your house will let you do this, because they are all selfish a-holes that have no respect for your time, personal space, or all the hard work you put into maintaining the home. So just cross your fingers and hope that you don't lose your damn mind before they are all in school and it buys you three f'n seconds of peace and quiet.

Cheers

L&P

p.s. this is satire, we love our kids, please don't report us.

Please Post Responsibly

It is not uncommon for an individual to reference a particular class or teacher whose influence is so great that their words of wisdom echo throughout the rest of their days.

This is likely why many people get into teaching. Either that or all of the millions of dollars, throngs of adoring fans, and of course the harem of lovers.

I'm assuming that's how it works at least.

Anyways I have been fortunate enough to have had many such teachers and experiences but for today's post I'm going to focus on a few such experiences and how they have assisted me on forging an opinion on why so many people suck at social media.

David Bedrick and the Witness

 Mr. Bedrick taught more than a few of my undergraduate classes and one of the lessons that really sticks to me to this day is the lesson of the witness's role in abuse.

I'll try to put it in a nutshell here.

The idea is that there are three parties when it comes to abuse. The abuser, the abused, and the witness. The abuser does the abusing, the abused gets abused, and the witness is the first person that the abused tells about the abuse. The interesting thing about this dynamic is that the witness can do more damage than the abuser.

I'll give you an example

Batman tells Robin to go polish up the Batmobile. Robin does a shitty job. Batman slaps Robin. Robin tells Alfred. Alfred tells Robin to stop being such whiny little orphan and to take it like a man.

Obviously this is a silly example but I think you get the drift. Robin is asking for help and is shut down, then forced to fight full grown psychopaths that have firearms with his bare hands and occasionally a stick. Had Alfred maybe notified Child Protective Services perhaps this little acrobat would have been kidnapped less than several dozen times.

Stop Getting Kidnapped!

Critical Thinking

This class had a lasting effect on me as it was the first time I was introduced to the concept of logical fallacies. Logical fallacies are thinking errors and there are many different flavors. One of my favorites is the post hoc ergo propter hoc (after this therefore because of this) logical fallacy.

Our brains are designed to recognize patterns and are so good at it that we sometimes find patterns that aren't even there. Every time I eat cereal for breakfast, I find my keys right away. Therefore the cereal must be helping me find my keys. This, of course is stupid. My thinking that the cereal is helping seems sound but is a combination of the post hoc ergo propter hoc logical fallacy as well as something called selection bias. AKA remembering the hits and forgetting the misses. Yes there have been lots of times that I had cereal and then found my keys right away, but there were also lots of times that I had cereal then couldn't find my keys because toddlers. I'm more likely to remember the hits that endorse my belief than those that counter it due to my bias.

Stay with me because I'm about to make an important point and bring these two different life lessons together.

Every so often a video will become popular on social media that grabs the attention of folks that don't seem to fully grasp the concept of child abuse as they parade this gem about their facebook or what not along with their 2 cents on the topic such as, "A good spank'n woulda taught that brat a less'n"

The most recent video, which I will not post a link to for reasons that should be obvious showcases a child having what is called by the poster, "a tantrum". Now this kid may be having a tantrum. Or this kid may have autism spectrum disorder and not be able to control his behavior. From the video it is impossible to tell.

Now if this kid has autism spectrum disorder and you repost this video, or one similar to it then congratulations, you are mocking a sick person that is engaged in a life long struggle. This person at their age may not even understand why they are different or why they are having such a hard time. They are frustrated and struggling to make sense of their emotions and do not have the ability to contain their frustration.

If this kid does not have autism spectrum disorder then congratulations. The people that this kid is trusting to teach them the basic skills to guide them through life thinks so little of them and respects  them so little that they thought it wise to post this video so that they can be mocked by strangers in droves. The internet doesn't forget dear reader. Most of us are fortunate enough to not have our most
humbling moments recorded for all of time and shared with the world.

Now to bring this back to my previous life lessons. The individual that recorded this poor kid is the abuser, the kid is the abused, if you re-posted this, you are the witness.

 True the kid didn't come to you for help or even tell you about it himself and given the option, he probably wouldn't have. Also true is that  also this kid did not experience any physical violence that we can see.

In my opinion, this does not let the re-poster off of the hook.  By reposting this video, or one like it, you are an active participant humiliating and shaming a child.

Wasn't I saying something about logical fallacies?

Oh yeah.

The comments like, "This kid needs a good whoop'n" are at best ill-informed and at worst strait up psychotic.

I'm always stunned and hurt by the fact that people I know and freely choose to associate with have this opinion. Rather than follow my first instinct and unfriend those with opinion's other than mine I'm trying to take the high road and drop some knowledge that I with either stick or won't. Either way, I'm making my effort. So here it goes.

Spanking doesn't work. You might think it does because you were spanked. If you disagree then click here and read.  It's not my opinion, it's science. You may as well argue against evolution, gravity, and vaccinations. The numbers are in and the verdict is don't spank.

Some may make the argument, "But I was spanked and I turned out fine!"  I would like to point out firstly that you may or may not be fine, you don't know. People that are not fine frequently don't know that they aren't fine. I know this because I've been around enough drunk people that assured me that they were fine shortly before vomiting on their own shoes and passing out.  If that is "fine" then it is a definition of the word that I was previously unaware of.

Secondly, if you are fine it is not because you were spanked; it is in spite of the fact you were were spanked.  The belief that spanking changes a kids behavior is a post hoc ergo propter hoc logical fallacy.
"The kid threw a fit and I whacked him and he stopped throwing a fit so whacking kids work! Not less kid whacking! More kid whacking! Kid whacking today, kid whacking tomorrow, kid whacking forever!!!"

Again the research does not support this. The kid may stop at that moment, but it does nothing to address why the kid was acting out or teach the kid how to appropriately manage their emotions in the future.

I feel a little bit like I'm letting you guys down because I typically try to keep things light and fun here. This subject has been bugging me for a while though and I wanted to get it off of my chest.

I'll do my best to make the next entry about how Oliver insists on at least 20 minutes of "Naked Time" follows each bath.

Cheers.

L&P

 P.S. For more on David Bedrick check out his website here.

Trapped

Put that down
Don't go in there
Don't touch that
Take that out of your mouth
Spit that out
Don't draw on that
Sit down
Eat that
Don't eat that
Don't bite me
Don't bite him
Don't bite that
Don't bite her
Don't say that
Be Quiet

So much of my kids' life is being told what to do and what not to do. It's part of the parent/child relationship and it is meant to keep our children safe and prevent them from growing up and becoming total a-holes. The preceding list of commands represents roughly 40 seconds of a day in my home.
This is why I think that it's important to let my kids make up some of the rules when we are playing a game.

My hope is that giving them little opportunities to have some control will keep them from totally losing their minds when they move out and going Full Bieber. By the way if saying Full Bieber isn't a thing yet,  it should be.

That, dear reader, is how I ended up in this prison.  Not a real prison mind you,  but restricted to the kitchen, children's room and laundry room by wall made of pillows, blankets, kitchen chairs, and one almost 4 year old.

The Littlest Corrections Officer

For whatever reason Merritt just decided that I was not allowed to leave this area.  I figured that I could talk my way out of this as I talk my way out of most things.  Alas my jailer proved more clever that I anticipated.

"Where will I go to the bathroom?"
Go downstairs
"What if I get hungry?"
You can use the kitchen
"How will I go to work?"
You can drive one of the little cars downstairs (toy car).
"What about new clothes?"
Get them out of the laundry room.
"But there is no shower. How can I get clean?"
You can just wash your armpits in the sink.
"In the sink?"
Yes, you can use toothpaste.
"Toothpaste in my armpits?"
Yes, it will work fine.
"What about mowing the lawn?"
Mom can do that.

Honestly, I tried to out maneuver her for 60 minutes and she had an answer for every scenario. I was pretty sure that her attention span would lapse after 15 or so minutes but such was not the case.

I suppose I could have been irritated that I was tied up for a whole hour. But it was fun, also I'm very aware of the fact that before I know it my kids may not want to spend 5 minutes with me much less a whole hour.

One of the hardest things for me to do is to slow down. Every once in a while something like this happens and reminds me that my main job as a parent is not to do laundry, clean the kitchen, mow the lawn, or even go to work.  My main job as a parent is to be a parent.  Sometimes that means to play when the opportunity presents itself.  If you need any other reminders of this then click here.

Cheers

L&P