Things To Not Say To Someone With 5 Kids

Hi folks, it's been a bit since we posted and there is a reason for that.  As most of you know, we now have five kids.  Five.  There is more than a little bit of adjustment for our family and finding time to write has been playing second fiddle to changing diapers, doing laundry, changing diapers again, feeding people, changing diapers yet again, changing sheets (because spilled breast milk smells like nightmares after a couple of days), going to work, drinking coffee coffee coffee, not sleeping, pumping (for my wife), and engaging in mortal combat with a bed purchased from Ikea.  More on the Ikea thing at a later date.

  I'm going to warn you now that this will probably not be a very long post as there is currently no one crying in my home and bouts of silence typically only last for a dozen or so minutes.

  One of the things that we have learned is that on the few occasions that we are feeling brave enough to embark on the odyssey that is preparing to leave our home with our entire brood, complete strangers can not seem to by pass us without offering their observations.  I would like to share some of these pearls with you as well as why you should not ever say these things to someone that is in our particular situation.

 "Wow! You sure got your hands full!"
 Brilliant observation dipshit.  If I have my hands so full then what the fuck makes you think I have time to banter with yokels about how my hands are full?

 "Are they twins?"
  Did you really make it all the way to adulthood without learning how long it takes for a human to gestate?  They are clearly too close in size to be anything other than twins.  I suppose they could be cousins, or we could be babysitting, but they are in a double stroller.  I love all my nieces and nephews and all, but I'm not about to drop an extra $200 so I can be the world champion babysitter.

 "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
  Ah yes, that explains why there is no such thing as suicide, problem drinking, or me crying in the closet hiding from my two year old.

 "Better you than me!"
  You insensitive bastard.  First of all, our children are a gift.  Second of all, I can't even remember what we are talking about because I have five kids and they never all sleep at the same time, which means I don't sleep.  Am I at a Starbucks?  Will you give me coffee?

  "God knew I couldn't handle twins, that's why he didn't give me any."
  Well, you sure are lucky that you know the the inner workings of the almighty.  Strange that he didn't see fit to also grant you the insight to not pester someone pushing a shopping cart with one hand (filled with not only groceries but also two children) while dragging a double stroller with the other hand.

 "You guys are crazy to have more children."
  My wife and I apparently have a total combined awesomeness that could not be contained in only three children.  Besides, judging by the interactions I've had with the populace there is a dire shortage of individuals that kick ass.  My genetics mixed with that of my wife is shoring up the numbers for the rest of you ninnies. A simple thank you would have sufficed.

"You guys know where babies come from right?"
No but I know where you got that hand print on your cheek.

 Well kids that is all for now.  We are trying to get back into the swing of this.  Thanks for your patients.
L&C

Adventures in Maggie Rearing Vol. 2

The best thing about being a part of Maggie's life is that it is never, EVER, boring.  Being Maggie's parent forces one to develop a 6th or maybe even 7th sense. Prior being her parent I was a deep sleeper.  Now I wake up when the refrigerator is opened on the other side of the house. This is due to the PTSD that I now have from cleaning up the messes that Maggie makes when she "cooks". When Maggie is getting into her shenanigans the hair on the back of my neck begins to stand up.  The following are examples of instances in which I ignored that feeling.

Exhibit A

  The above photo is taken from the second story of our home.  Due to the fact that Maggie is largely non-verbal we are typically forced to guess at her intentions.  This picture was taken shortly after we purchased the movie Tangled.  Our working hypothesis is that Maggie was recreating some of the scenes in which the main character jumps out of the window.  Barbie's taking flight is not a new occurrence though, prior to moving to this address they would frequently find themselves pitched into our neighbors yard.  Our neighbor at the time had a good heart and would simply toss them back.  He once stated that he believed they were "camping".

Exhibit B

Maggie loves the water.  Swimming is her favorite activity.   Even if the water isn't deep enough, she is content to sit in a wading pool for hours on end.  When the weather turned too cold for her to enjoy this activity outside, Maggie thought outside the box. I believe we were napping when she first dragged this pool in from the yard because if memory serves what woke us up was the frequent trips up and down the stairs as she filled a 16 ounce glass up in the bathroom sink over and over, then trotted it downstairs and tossed the contents into the pool.  Had I been a deeper sleeper, she may have eventually succeeded.

Exhibit C

This picture was taken shortly after we brought Maggie's little sister Merritt home from the hospital for the first time.  Maggie must have been sick of the late night cry fests and lack of attention.  She packed what she needed for a life on the road, (a suite case filled with Barbies) and headed out.  Luckily she did not get far before my wife convinced her to head back home.

Lately, Maggie's sleeping meds have been failing us and she has been waking up pretty regularly at 1:30 in the a.m.. She almost always stays in her room playing so it has not been much of a disturbance.  The biggest issue is that part of her play includes random screams, singing, and banging on the wall.   Most parents would be concerned about the screaming, but when I check on her I am greeted with an insistent finger pointing for me to leave and either the word "GO" or simply her blowing raspberries at me.

The Costuming is VERY important

It would seem that when I enter her room I am interrupting the delicate role play that she has created and am breaking her concentration.  She may only be saying "go" but the way she says it make it feel more like she is saying, "Do you have any IDEA how hard I have been working on this scene?!"

She has done a better job than we expected of adjusting to the twins joining our family.  We have had a few requests for picture featuring her and the twins.  She may have accepted that they are now in the house, but she still is not crazy enough about the idea that she is willing to sit for a photo.

More Adventures in Maggie Rearing in the future.

L&P

Not the Worst Thing I Have Done, But Close

I must admit that I have not always been the beacon of special needs advocacy that you now know and love.  True I have always had a soft spot for those with special needs.  I have also always respected those that struggle alongside the special needs population so it should come as no surprise that I fell in love with my wife and shortly there after with fatherhood and parenting a child with special needs.

But as I previously mentioned, these skills needed to be honed.  In my defense, my heart was in the right place, even if my head was lodged squarely in my ass.

Enter Prince.

Not that one

I have roughly 15 years of food service experience.  In that time I can tell you that there are several types of individuals that seem to gravitate to different fields of the food service industry.  Those that are very personable and organized, (and occasionally gay) seem to become servers.  Individuals that have criminal records tend to work in the kitchen.  Psychopaths tend toward management.  Prince was a dishwasher.

Dishwashers are usually one or several of the following; alcoholic, special needs, teenagers, migrant workers.

Prince is an African American gentleman from Louisiana.  He has a thick accent, a fairly oddly shaped head, and worked as a dishwasher.  Prince and his brother Kenny both worked with me at a restaurant which will remain unnamed.  For months I worked with Prince but had minimal interaction with him as I was a server and we usually worked different shifts.  When I did talk to Prince he would talk about going to school.  I assumed this was a special needs school where he would work on life skills.

One day Prince came to work directly from school. Prince was wearing hospital scrubs.  It slowly began to dawn on me that if an individual with special needs works in a hospital it is not usually a position in which scrubs are necessary.  A terrible terrible feeling began to creep over me as I turned to Prince's brother (who did not have a criminal history to my knowledge) and asked, "Kenny, does your brother have a learning disability or something?" (Kenny's accent was also not nearly as thick as his brothers.)
"No? Why?"
"No reason."
I had assumed that due to Prince's oddly shaped noggin, slow manner of speech, and employment as a dishwasher, he was an individual with special needs. The following is a list of things that I ACTUALLY SAID to Prince.
"Great job busing that table buddy!"
"You mopped that floor all by yourself!"
"Wow! You carried 1,2,3,4 glasses and didn't spill a drop!"

 The horror of my situation must have been evident on my face as I uttered the words, "My god I gave him all those hugs."

Kenny (again, who does not have a criminal record) must have pieced together what I was going through and laughed the laugh that only a black guy can laugh at a white guys discomfort as I sputtered my poorly thought out reasoning for believing his brother had special needs.  Even more terrifying was the thought that Prince may have believed that I spoke to him in the manner that I did because I was racist and placating him.

Now if you can tell me how to explain to someone that you spoke to them as if they were a child, not because you are a racist, but because you thought that they were an individual with special needs, then I sir or madam will eat my hat.  Because that is a situation that is fucking impossible to navigate gracefully.

Thankfully shortly after this Prince moved on to another place of employment.  Probably one with less racist white people that treated him like a simpleton.  I don't know if Kenny (again, not a convicted felon), ever explained to his brother that I was not intentionally being an a-hole.  But that I was only accidentally being an a-hole.

The moral of the story dear reader is this; much in the way that you should never assume a woman that looks pregnant is pregnant, never assume a person has special needs until they tell you specifically that they have special needs.  Unless they are blind of course in which case you probably should err on the side of blind and not toss them anything.

In conclusion I would like to apologize to black people, those with special needs, my family, and anyone I may have inappropriately hugged.

L&P

Terror Toys

It has been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Enter the SingAMaJig.  A relative with a good heart and noble intentions purchased our sweet toddler a couple of SingAMaJig's when she was but a new born.  If you don't know what a SingAMaJig is, I will show you.

I am become Shiva, destroyer of worlds.

Note the open mouth, no doubt preparing to drink the joy from your soul.  Also note the dead eyes, looking through you.  

The SingAMaJig is named so due to the fact that when you squeeze it's belly it begins to sing one of many tunes.  I deduce that this is a quality that was learned by this devil doll in either the 3rd or 4th circle of hell in order to appeal to our human love of Yankee Doodle.  Since this "toy" is mostly of demon blood it is not able to just belt a tune out the way an angle would. It requires multiple squeezes in order to force the joy out one syllable at a time.  This is what ultimately lead to my decision to keep one of these nigh malevolent creatures in the garage.

You see, the tune programmed into one of our SingAMaJigs is Skinnamarink e dink a dink.  Now you may think that this tune is innocent enough.  Well by the dark of night I accidentally trod upon one of these gremlins, which forced out the first syllable.  Had I not been so in tuned to the innate evil contained within the monster, I would have thought nothing of the fact that a toy had just yelled the word, "SKINNNNNNNNN" at me.  

You may be thinking, "Hey, that is just the first word of the song."  Well I pity you and your face which is about to be carved up by a possessed doll.

This was clearly a threat.  I caught the SingAMaJig, or should I say, SkinAMaJig by surprise and it unintentionally revealed it's plan for the night.  To skin myself and my family. 

Be ever vigilant reader for evil may be as close as your toy chest.

L&P

Four Weeks Old

William on the left, Ollie on the right

Due to the tone of our last entry I feel that I should begin by letting you know that everyone is alive and recovering well.  The boys are gaining weight steadily which is a good sign.  My wife is also recovering and is as healthy as anyone who is no longer allowed to sleep with any regularity can be.

When my wife and I first started telling people that we were going to have twins, bringing our grand total of offspring to 5, a common response was, "Well after three kids there isn't much of a difference."  This gave us a bit of optimism as the thought that we were about to be able to fill a minivan was overwhelming to say the least.

I'm going to say that again, many of the people that we informed about our impending double birth gave us the impression that it would not impact us as much as we had feared.
Experience is a great teacher.  For instance, it has taught me that each and everyone of those individuals are either clueless, or malevolent evil geniuses who drink the tears of the broken willed.

I would like to give those individuals the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are not wicked, but ignorant.  Like a child lost in a department store.  Like a blind person in a darts tournament.  Like someone who does not have ADHD attempting to watch MTV.

You're out of your element Donny!

  Thus far this experience is like trying to juggle chainsaws.  Chainsaws that vomit and pee at you.  Adorable chainsaws that I love with all my heart.  But chainsaws none the less.

I have learned that I am significantly less funny when deprived of sleep.  I have learned that my wife is a juggernaut of parenting ninjatude and that I have so much to learn from her.
 I have learned that it is nigh impossible to split your attention fairly between all of your children.  Try as we might, whoever is crying the loudest seems to receive the most attention.
I have learned that I work with the most generous individuals that have donated time and funds to assist my family.  This fact is made even more amazing since most of my co-workers have never met my family.  This is humbling and frustrating because when I win the lottery (and I WILL), I now have to slice that pie up into even more pieces.
I have learned that baby boys will strike like a cobra with a stream of hot pee as soon as soon as a diaper is removed.
I have learned that a 20 month old can remove all of the keys off of a laptop in as much time as it takes me to empty my bladder.
I have learned that my 14 year old is fucking awesome.  I knew that, but this knowledge has been reinforced.

It is bittersweet to think that we will never go through this experience again firsthand.  Unfortunate as well since I almost think I am getting the hang of this.
We are trying to keep up with the posts but, as you may well expect, time is a precious commodity and it is almost always spent cramming milk into a baby or cleaning up any number of bodily fluids.
Thank you for your patients and for your support.

L&P

Welcome William and Oliver!

On the left we have Robert Oliver Kendall 4lbs 15 oz. Born at 5:38 am. On the right may I present William Alexander Kendall 4lbs 2oz born at 5:37am. Birthday of 12-23-12.

So, both boys are here and safe.  But this was almost not the case.  Let me take you back to the 23rd of December 2012 3:30 in the morning.

If you could just imagine the flashback effect of your choice it would really help me out a lot.  You know fade away, the wavy effect, or a camera shot of the window showing the snow falling then slowly panning to my wife and I asleep in bed.  It wasn't snowing but that seems to be a good one.

Really I've thought about it but I just can't figure out how to do a flash back in blog form. 

Wife: My water just broke.

Me: It's go time.

Wife: This is blood.

Me: That's not good. I'll call 911.

Wife: Hang up, it's probably just blood in the amniotic fluid.

Me: Is that a thing?

Wife: Yes.

This is going to be a bit spotty because I had a lot of adrenaline pumping and Flash Bulb memory is a tricky thing.  If you don't know what flash bulb memory is then look it up, it's kind of fascinating and I don't want to get to off track.

Anyways, we were able to get a hold of a friend that was nice enough to speed over and keep an eye on our littlest while she slept.  As we got ready to leave my wife pumped a few quarts of blood out, which was scary as hell.  It might not have been quarts but it sure seemed like it.  

On the way to the hospital the wife and I reassured each other and held hands.

After arriving at the hospital we were rushed into the operating room for an emergency C-section.  We had planned on having a C-section all along but we were planning on doing it in a few more weeks. 

While they were preparing her for the operation there was several attempts at giving my wife an IV.  Usually 

my wife is an easy stick so we were both confused and frustrated by this.  We found out later that it was hard to insert the IV due to her blood loss.  I suppose I can tell you at this point that we were not really aware of how serious the situation was.

At one point I remember one of the doctors asking if the wife wanted her tubes tied regardless of the outcome.  I answered quickly in the affirmative not realizing that the question indicated that there was some pessimism as to whether or not both boys would survive.

William was born about a minute prior to Oliver.  His team had him wrapped up and in my arms pretty quick.  Oliver's team worked on him for what seemed like a really really really long time.  

Eventually both the boys were stabilized enough to be moved to the nursery while the wife was moved to recovery.

At this point I asked for a debrief on everything that had happened medically speaking.  I was informed that my wife had experienced what is called a placental abruption.  In a nutshell, my wife had been bleeding to death and if we had been 10 minutes later to the hospital I would have gone from being a married father of five to a single father of one. We may have lost the twins and I probably wouldn't have much legal claim to my older two kids due to them being my step children.  This means both that I am not their biological father, and they starred in the Step Up film series.  

This experience has led to a new rule in my marriage.  That being, "Whoever is bleeding the least gets to make the medical decisions."

Today everyone is healthy and recovering well.  We hope to have the boys home early next week.  

If any of our readers would care to visit please remember that the boys are medically fragile.  That means that if you are sick, stay away.  If you do not have current flu shots, we love you but please do not visit yet.  If you or your children are not up to speed on your vaccines, we love you but do not wish a visit until this is corrected.  Again, everyone is healthy and we hope to keep it that way.  Please give us a heads up if you plan to visit and try to keep your visit brief as energy is on the low side.

The attention and quality of care we have received from the nursing staff and doctors has been nothing short of excellent.  

We will try to keep everyone posted on our progress. I am certain that I am missing many details which will be filled in over the next few weeks.

Thank you again to everyone for support .  Particularly; a cousin who I haven't seen in over a decade that offered to purchase a car seat for us, mothers and fathers who have dedicated time and funds to assist us, as well as family and friends who have lent time and effort to keeping us sane.

More as our journey continues.

L&P  

The Name Game

Well my wife has reached levels of discomfort that can not be fully understood by anything packing testicles and that can mean only one thing, the twins are almost here.  We are not yet fully prepared as the boys' room is still lacking a couple of essential items and the college funds are presently imaginary.  That being said, we are getting excited.  The lack of activity on the blog of late has been largely due to our time being dedicated to trying to tie up those last few loose ends. We apologize but there always seems to be more chores than time.

One of those chores has been to zero in on a name for these little buggers.  Naming a child is one of the trickiest things about preparing for a new addition to your family.  The twin factor adds another layer due to the fact that many parents of twins choose to go with a rhyme scheme or theme.  Also, the fact that we give people two names seems a bit strange to me.  I understand the legal and logical reasoning behind a first and last name.  But what is the purpose of the middle name?  Is if the vice name, seated to take control in the event that the first name is assassinated? A backup name in the event that the first name fails due to technical difficulties.  I suppose I can research this later.  Anyway we have pretty much zeroed in on what we are calling these kiddos and since we may be meeting them any day now, I thought it would be a good idea to introduce them to you.  Well at least the names.  But first, the runners up.

Steven Harris - We liked this one because Steven is a family name and since we are fans of Dexter it would be fun to use the name Harris as a nod to a character in the show.  Steve Harris is also the name of the bass player for Iron Maiden.  Almost snuck that past the wife. Almost.

Danger - I have been fortunate enough to have several of what I can classify as best friends.  Maybe a dozen over the years.  Two of these chaps go by the names Daniel and Gerald (Jerry for short).  If I cut the first three letters off both names then smoosh them together we get the name Danger.  This would have been a middle name of course.  Shot down because it may be setting this little guy up for a life of crime.  Or of being to awesome.

Gotlob - I have a cousin that is really into our family history.  While hunting through our family tree together he showed me that I have an ancestor that went by the name Gotlob.  I liked this name because I like the idea of going through your whole life and NEVER meeting another individual of the same name.  The wife never gave this one a chance.  Probably because it sounds terrible.

Clark - I love me some Superman.  This one would have been paired with a first name that would have coincidentally given the boy the same name as a famous explorer.  A little bit of research revealed that this explorer was a real dick to his slaves and was in fact, the only member of the Oregon Trail party that thought it would be appropriate to brings a slave.  Moving on.

Saxon - This was only bandied about for about three days.  Three awesome days.  The wife came up with it and I was totally on board.  Mostly because I loved the idea of naming one of my youngsters after an early 80s metal band.  Part of the reason this got rejected was that if we named one of them Saxon, the other one would probably have to be Stryper.  That borders on child abuse.  

Max - This would have been paired with Danger.  Maximus Danger, Max Danger.  This fell into the same trap that Saxon did. If we named one Max Danger the other would have to go by something like Total Destruction, or Mass Damage.  Fun yes, but also a set up for a youth spent in juvenile detention.

Fletcher - One obstacle of naming a child is bad associations with otherwise fine names.  We both liked this name.  I even worked with a Fletcher that was a stand up guy.  But she knew a guy named Fletcher that was kind of a perv.  So Fletcher was out. 

Dexter - Again, big fans of the show.  But naming your kid after a serial killer, even a fictional one is a little nutty.  Also last season was a little meh.

Harrison - This was a strong candidate but one of our best friends who is due right about the same time we are already called dibs.  According to the shotgun bylaws, the laws which govern all childhood rules up to and including who gets the front seat of the car, we had to respect the dibs. 

Stephen - A family name.  A solid name.  The list of the Stephen's that I admire includes, Stephen Colbert, Dr. Steve Novella, Steve Tyler, Stephen Hawking, Stephen Fry, Stephen King, and the guy that sang Magic Carpet Ride.  We went with another family name to honor this same person.

Archer - More on Archery later, but this is also the name of one of my favorite super spies.  

The Winners

Robert Oliver.

Robert is my first name, my father's first name, his father's first name, the name of the guy that played Iron Man, the name of a famous sea captain which explored much of the North West, and yes a sparkly vampire.  But they can't all be winners.  It's flexible too, lots of ways you can go with Robert; Rob Robby, Bob.  None of these matter though as we will be calling him by his middle name.

Oliver is a classic name.  It is also the name of the Green Arrow who is one of my favorite super heroes.    Archery is not only the only sport that I am any good at but also an excellent way to calm your mind.  It was a big part of my childhood and something that I still enjoy today. Also, the initial's will spell ROK. 

Say no to drugs

William Alexander
William is my brothers name, my father-in-law's name, one half of Wild Stallions, Dr. Huxtable, the science guy, an infamous gun slinger in the old west, and arguably the greatest playwright ever to have lived.  I could go on but there really is a crazy long list of famous folk with the name William. William is a flexible name like Robert; with your Bill, Billy, Will, Willy, and Will.I.Am.  But this kid will go by William.
Alexander is a classic name and I have always admired the story of Alexander the Great.  That dude did more in his life than any 10 other people.  Needless to say, I will expect him to conquer most of Persia by his 30th birthday.

When we play D&D I will only let him play a Bard

 Again, sorry about the lack of activity as of late, babies will do that to you.

L&P