Kids Say the Darnedest... On No

My Crotch HURTS!!!!!

These are the words erupted from my two year old while in the dressing room with her mother and oldest sister while on a dress hunting expedition.  After getting a reaction from her audience she repeated the sentence over and over and yet still over with increasing volume.  Needless to say, she most likely learned the word "crotch" from yours truly.  I'm fairly certain that she heard use of this word when I was changing her diaper and was struggling to keep her hands away from the mess contained therein.  Of course I did not say this phrase directly.  I remember the conversation.

Me: Stop trying to touch your crotch kid.
Kid: Crotch?
Me: Oh shit, don't say crotch ok?
Kid: Shit crotch?
Me: Dammit, um... do you want to watch Paw Patrol?
Kid: PAW PATROL!
Me: That should fix it.

I'm still pretty certain that she does not know what most of the words that I said during this conversation mean save Paw Patrol.  Only that she knows that in using them she got a reaction.  One of the most enjoyable and terrifying things is watching my children learn.  They are always learning.  Especially, it would seem, when I am hoping that they are not paying attention.

This has lead to a sobering awareness of my own actions.  One day, I was having what I consider a fully justifiable temper tantrum.  I don't remember why.  The toddler asked, "Are you mad dad?"
This made me aware that I was being watched and that, unless I wanted to see me at my least cool echoed in my children then I needed to get my shit together.  I took a deep breath and tried to make this a teaching moment.  "Yes Merritt, daddy is mad."

She responded by telling me, "I'm Madder!" she then clenched her tiny fists, thrust them down at her sides, then stomped around our home yelling, "I'm Madder!!!" She wasn't, she was just doing what she saw dad do.  It occurred to me that this is probably what I looked like to her.  Wow, I look like a child when I'm angry.  This did much to alleviate the stress I was feeling and replaced it with a healthy dose of shame.  Vader like, the student had become the master.

One of my first observations about being a parent was that I finally understood how much my parents loved me.  I knew that it wasn't the first lesson that my children would teach me. I know this latest lesson is far from the last.  If we do our jobs right and I keep learning from them and they keep learning from me, then in a couple of decades, we'll see just shy of a half dozen new and improved versions of my wife and I but with a few of our less flattering habits and an increase in the things that we are proud that we do.

Of course, they are their own people and while we will have great influence over what kind of people they will turn into, they will be who they will be.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  As long as they don't turn out to be Beliebers.

Cheers
L&P

The Benefit of Experience

A few days back I put up a post about how we are fundraising to send my oldest child to Europe. I should point out by the way that she is going voluntarily and we are not attempting to have her deported.  What I have yet to address is why she is going and what are benefits to you, the reader.

The following is small list of reasons that you should contribute to my child's globe trotting experience.

1. The world is getting smaller - With the popularity of the internet the world is a smaller place, unfortunately much of our smaller world is taken in sample sized portions.  For instance, many young people will grow up thinking that this picture is all that they need to know about Asian cultures... you know what, I was just did a google image search for Asian to see what would pop up and pick the most racially insensitive one, but holy shit, just holy shit.  Anyways, if you do that you will see that my point is made.  Christ, I need to go wash out my eyes. Her greater understanding of the world after this experience and sharing of this experience will help to add texture to the world when she describes it to her peers. 
2. She may not have another opportunity like this - True, I don't have a typical life experience being that I have 5 kids and all, but the time to travel is when you are young are beholden to no one but yourself.  I have a friend that went skydiving about a decade ago.  I thought it sounded crazy then.  Now that we both have kids, anything more dangerous than friendly game of shuriken tag sounds totally irresponsible.
3. She is a great ambassador -  I went to grade school with a kid named Bobby that was from Iceland.  He was nice and always played Ram-Man when we played He-Man.  To this day whenever I meet someone from Iceland, which is rarely, I always assume that they are polite and have a tendency to headbutt things. While I realize this is illogical, I still do it.  My kid is rad and in her travels she will single handedly erase the bad stereotypes about Americans that the Taliban is working so hard to sow into the subconscious of those in Europe.  You don't love terrorists do you? I'm not saying that she could possibly stop the next 9/11 type attack, but I am saying that if you love freedom, it is probably in your best interest to donate. 
4. Social Justice - We are in a strange place financially speaking.  We are not rich enough to just write a check, nor are we poor enough to qualify for a show on TLC.  Anyone who ever enjoyed any sporting movie has rooted for the underdog.  By supporting my kid's trip to Europe you are helping a child of meager means have an experience usually reserved for the rich.  This is like helping Rocky punch Ivan Drago, or helping Hoops win the regatta, or helping Arnold Schwarzenegger fight the T-1000, the Predator, or a paternity test.

That's not a bad start, I'll get back at you with more advantages and a link to a blog that she is going to be writing as well as keeping you up to speed with her progress.

Until then, click here for your contributions.  

Thank you

L&P  

and there's Parliament...again

If you are a regular visitor to this blog you have noticed an extreme drop off in the frequency of posts.  Trust that there have been several attempts at updates but they have been interrupted by, well... let me just try to summarize the last few months.

Maggie went to the hospital, Maggie went to the hospital again, we thought Maggie had pneumonia, then we thought she had  vasculitis, then we thought she may have leukemia, turns how she just had strep.  Then a bunch of produce fell on my wife while shopping, then the car broke, then the other car broke, then the cars got fixed then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then crying crying and crying, also sleep deprivation, a near hostage situation, braces, then a f'd up situation regarding medications, and finally the boys keeping banging their heads on crap.

Yeah, that all happened.

That being said, I'd like to introduce you to our next endeavor.  My 15 year old is going to Europe. We are working on  funding that, since we are all about crowd sourcing so I'd like to invite you to check out her page.

It's Right Here

We are not looking for hand outs (although they are gratefully accepted) we are looking to find ways in which she can earn this money.  Things like dog walking, baby sitting, baby walking, dog sitting, bathing any combination of dogs and/or babies, car cleaning, house sitting, or anything else in this vein. 

In addition, I am offering personal self defense classes at a discounted rate (if you didn't know I taught martial arts for about a decade) as well as group zombie defense classes (Z Fu, yes this is a real thing) and finally I will perform unsanctioned 1 man reenactments of movies I have seen way to many times.  Currently the menu consists of Ghostbusters, The Three Amigos, Big Trouble In Little China, Dances With Wolves, White Men Can't Jump, Grease, The Princess Bride, and Die Hard. You should be forewarned that these performances will be terrible.  Just terrible.  You are basically paying to watch me make an ass of myself.

If you are interested in any of these please email us at Levityandperspective@gmail.com.

That is all for now I hope your new year is starting off well and that you are keeping warm if you are in an area effected by the arctic death zone.

Cheers, 

L&P

Of Coffee & Love

Recently my wife and I have decided to expand our definition of marriage. Now don’t worry, we aren't about to join the ranks of the poly-amorous like the sister wives, or the brother-husbands, or swingers, or anything that may lead to any kind of disease ridden goofiness. We have however decided to bring Coffee into the sanctity of our wedded bliss.

we are making it official

This love does fly in the face of traditional Judeo Christian values. However the march towards progress requires society to evolve. Our love for Coffee, while not recognized legally, yet, is valid. Even if it does not fit into the mold that society has formed for acceptable relationships.

I can hear the typical straw man arguments, “If you let people marry Coffee, then next they will be marrying energy drinks, alpacas, and state parks.”

           Well that is just stupid, energy drinks are not yet at the age of consent, alpacas don’t believe in committed relationships, and state parks are filthy filthy whores. I mean have you seen that thing that Yellow Stone has on it? Get that thing lanced or something!

           My wife and I are a strong couple and we have been capable of handling all of the trials that life has handed us thus far. The main reason that we have decided to allow Coffee to join us in wedded bliss is that we wish to recognize the contribution that Coffee has had in our lives.

           Here is a short list of the many times coffee has been our own personal jebus.

• Maggie awakes at ungodly hour, Coffee allows us to function the next day
• Merritt awakes at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows us to function the next day
• Oliver awakes at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows us to function the next day
• William awakes at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows us to function the next day
• I can’t sleep due to worrying about whether or not Maggie, Merritt, Oliver, or William will wake up at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows me to function the next day.
• My wife can’t sleep due to me not being able to sleep due to worrying about whether or not Maggie, Merritt, Oliver, or William will wake up at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows her to function the next day.
• I feel cranky because EVERYONE IS ALWAYS CRYING! Coffee helps me to be nice.
• My wife feels cranky because EVERYONE IS NEEDY ALL THE TIME! (especially her husband) Coffee helps her to be nice.

   Now the question that is probably on everyone’s mind is will we be letting Coffee into our bed? First of all, stop being pervy, second of all the answer is no. Obviously. We already spend about 30% of our waking hours dealing with laundry. Coffee is notorious for staining. This is not a sex thing, it’s about respect. We respect Coffee’s contribution to our lives, and we feel it is important to make an honest beverage out of Coffee.

L&P

Lunch Time? Not On My Watch!

One of the most iconic scenes in the movie A Christmas Story features a Ralphie’s little brother refusing to eat his Meatloaf. Ralphie mentions that in every family there is a child that simply refuses to eat. Recently that child in my family has been my two year old.

I am not proud of my work history as it is rife with many roles in the food service industry. Not that it is not a fine and noble profession, but I stunk at it.  That being said, I have, against my will, developed the ability to put together a pretty damn handsome lunch platter.

Note the cheese hashtag

I go all out which, admittedly is a little ridiculous considering that a good portion of the time I am only using said platter to feed myself and a toddler. I personally would be content eating out of a glad bag as long as the food tasted decent. The two year old is less than impressed by this presentation as 9 times out of 10 she hardly looks at the food and when she does, it is quickly followed by a demand for something else.

The following is an approximation of how conversations in my home go around lunch time. You may notice that I have altered the toddler’s speech pattern and vocabulary. This is done for two reasons. First of all, toddler lisp is adorable to listen to but annoying to read. Secondly, it’s funnier this way.

Dad: Lunch time!

Kid: Father, I would prefer to continue viewing Bubble Guppies.

Dad: I know but we’ve already watched some TV today and now we need to eat and then take a nap.

Kid: Father, I am not tired.

Dad: I know you don’t think you’re tired, but you didn’t eat any of the eggs or toast or bacon that you had me make for breakfast. After we eat lunch then we have to take a nap.

Kid: About this lunch, what have you prepared?

Dad: Apples, crackers, cheese, and carrot sticks, just like you asked.

Kid: I tire of this lunch, I desire pizza.

Dad: We don’t have pizza.

Kid: I desire pizza.

Dad: But you asked me for apples and crackers and cheese, so that is what I made.

Kid: Pizza please.

Dad: If we aren’t going to have lunch then we should just go take a nap.

Kid: Father, I am NOT TIRED. I WANT to watch Bubble GUPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIES.

Dad: How about we eat lunch?

Kid: I want pizza.

Dad: …

Kid: I would also like to watch Bubble Guppies.

Dad: It’s time for lunch.

Kid: And Bubble Guppies.

Dad: Sigh, the TV is off, but you can watch more after your nap.

Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dad: Can we have a couple of bites?

Kid: GUUUUUUUUPIEEEEEEEES! Plate toss

Dad: Oh kid, that makes me sad, now we have to pick up all this food.

Kid: Noooooooooooo.

Dad: Let’s take a nap now.

This exchange typically ends with me scooping the toddler up and dropping her in bed where this conversation begins.

Kid: Father I would like my puppies.

Dad: Ok, here is one, two, three, four, five, stuffed puppies.

Kid: I also would like my rabbits.

Dad: One, two, three rabbits.

Kid: I need books now.

Dad: Kid, I don’t know if there is any room for you in the bed.

Kid: Books please.

Dad: Ok, here is your monkey book.

Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… robot book.

Dad: I’m not sure where the robot book is.

Kid: ROOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOT BOOOOOOOOOOK!

Dad: sigh, I’ll go look for it.

Kid: ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Since I hate wasting food this commonly ends in me eating my lunch as well as hers. This explains how I am beginning to appear that I am just ending my first trimester. Somehow my child continues to grow despite the fact that I rarely if ever see her eat. This flies in the face of everything I know about nutrition and physics, as I was under the assumption that without an external energy source (food) a child would not grow. I have come to two conclusions, either my child is a mutant and will soon become master of the world through use of her super powers. Or she has found my secret stash of Snickers bars and is sustained by the snack that satisfies. You will excuse me now, I must replenish my stash.

L&P

Conversations We Must Now Have

            As you may suspect, now that we are a family of seven we are a bit of a spectacle when out in public.  The combination of a beautiful teenage daughter, a special needs kid, a two year old that is into EVERYTHING, and our ATV stroller carrying the twins tends to grab a bit of attention.  Our previous post pointed out some of the comments we have been assaulted with, though the individuals making the statements and asking the questions were well meaning I’m sure.  The following is not an actual conversation we have had, but combination of the greatest hits rolled into one whiz bang comedic free-for-all for you to enjoy.  Please keep in mind that these are all snippets of conversations with STRANGERS.

Stanger: Wow! That’s a lot of kids!

Us: Yeah, we have five in total.

Stranger: FIVE?! Wow, what ages?

Us: 15, 14, 2 and the twins are 10 months.

Stranger:  Well at least the older two can help out.

Us:  Well the 14 year old has Down Syndrome and as much as we love her, she is not much help when it comes to child care.

Stanger: Well I just want to thank you for not having an abortion.

Us: Exuse me?

Stranger: So many people just be bothered to raise their children these days.

Us: Stunned silence

Stranger: Well at least the 15 year old can help.

Us: We try to not make the 15 year old do to much.

Stranger: Why?

Us: Because she is 15 and if she gets good at child care then the terror of being a teen mom may dissolve. We prefer for her to watch us lose our shit all the time so the idea of parenthood appears to be a nightmarish hellscape.

 Stranger: Oh…Five kids huh… So… You ever been to Utah?

Us: Utah? No, why would we go to Utah?

Stranger: No reason, just asking is all.

Us: Oh, ok.

Stranger: What do you think of that new pope?

Us: Um.. No opinion really, why?

Stranger: Oh, no reason just asking.

Us: Ok…

Stranger: So the twins are both boys?

Us: Yeah.

Stranger: Did you get them snipped?

Us: Excuse me?

Stranger: Did you get them circumcised?

Us: Um, you seem awfully interested in my babies’ penis.

Stranger: No not at all, I just heard that a lot of people aren't doing that anymore.

Us: Well I gotta-

Stranger: Did you get your kids vaccinated?

Us: Yes, because science.

Stranger: Oh… Ok, well I guess each parent makes their own choices.

Us: Indeed we do. Can I just get my Happy Meals now? The kids are getting hungry.

Stranger: Oh sure, here you are, I’ll be praying for you.

Us: I’m not sure that’s such a hot idea.

Stranger: Why not?

Us: Prayer is what we used for birth control.  

Thanks again for your patients, we know that we have only posted a few times since we had the boys but we are trying to find a rhythm so we can post more on the regular.  

Cheers

L&P 

Things To Not Say To Someone With 5 Kids

Hi folks, it's been a bit since we posted and there is a reason for that.  As most of you know, we now have five kids.  Five.  There is more than a little bit of adjustment for our family and finding time to write has been playing second fiddle to changing diapers, doing laundry, changing diapers again, feeding people, changing diapers yet again, changing sheets (because spilled breast milk smells like nightmares after a couple of days), going to work, drinking coffee coffee coffee, not sleeping, pumping (for my wife), and engaging in mortal combat with a bed purchased from Ikea.  More on the Ikea thing at a later date.

  I'm going to warn you now that this will probably not be a very long post as there is currently no one crying in my home and bouts of silence typically only last for a dozen or so minutes.

  One of the things that we have learned is that on the few occasions that we are feeling brave enough to embark on the odyssey that is preparing to leave our home with our entire brood, complete strangers can not seem to by pass us without offering their observations.  I would like to share some of these pearls with you as well as why you should not ever say these things to someone that is in our particular situation.

 "Wow! You sure got your hands full!"
 Brilliant observation dipshit.  If I have my hands so full then what the fuck makes you think I have time to banter with yokels about how my hands are full?

 "Are they twins?"
  Did you really make it all the way to adulthood without learning how long it takes for a human to gestate?  They are clearly too close in size to be anything other than twins.  I suppose they could be cousins, or we could be babysitting, but they are in a double stroller.  I love all my nieces and nephews and all, but I'm not about to drop an extra $200 so I can be the world champion babysitter.

 "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
  Ah yes, that explains why there is no such thing as suicide, problem drinking, or me crying in the closet hiding from my two year old.

 "Better you than me!"
  You insensitive bastard.  First of all, our children are a gift.  Second of all, I can't even remember what we are talking about because I have five kids and they never all sleep at the same time, which means I don't sleep.  Am I at a Starbucks?  Will you give me coffee?

  "God knew I couldn't handle twins, that's why he didn't give me any."
  Well, you sure are lucky that you know the the inner workings of the almighty.  Strange that he didn't see fit to also grant you the insight to not pester someone pushing a shopping cart with one hand (filled with not only groceries but also two children) while dragging a double stroller with the other hand.

 "You guys are crazy to have more children."
  My wife and I apparently have a total combined awesomeness that could not be contained in only three children.  Besides, judging by the interactions I've had with the populace there is a dire shortage of individuals that kick ass.  My genetics mixed with that of my wife is shoring up the numbers for the rest of you ninnies. A simple thank you would have sufficed.

"You guys know where babies come from right?"
No but I know where you got that hand print on your cheek.

 Well kids that is all for now.  We are trying to get back into the swing of this.  Thanks for your patients.
L&C