Of Coffee & Love

Recently my wife and I have decided to expand our definition of marriage. Now don’t worry, we aren't about to join the ranks of the poly-amorous like the sister wives, or the brother-husbands, or swingers, or anything that may lead to any kind of disease ridden goofiness. We have however decided to bring Coffee into the sanctity of our wedded bliss.

we are making it official

This love does fly in the face of traditional Judeo Christian values. However the march towards progress requires society to evolve. Our love for Coffee, while not recognized legally, yet, is valid. Even if it does not fit into the mold that society has formed for acceptable relationships.

I can hear the typical straw man arguments, “If you let people marry Coffee, then next they will be marrying energy drinks, alpacas, and state parks.”

           Well that is just stupid, energy drinks are not yet at the age of consent, alpacas don’t believe in committed relationships, and state parks are filthy filthy whores. I mean have you seen that thing that Yellow Stone has on it? Get that thing lanced or something!

           My wife and I are a strong couple and we have been capable of handling all of the trials that life has handed us thus far. The main reason that we have decided to allow Coffee to join us in wedded bliss is that we wish to recognize the contribution that Coffee has had in our lives.

           Here is a short list of the many times coffee has been our own personal jebus.

• Maggie awakes at ungodly hour, Coffee allows us to function the next day
• Merritt awakes at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows us to function the next day
• Oliver awakes at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows us to function the next day
• William awakes at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows us to function the next day
• I can’t sleep due to worrying about whether or not Maggie, Merritt, Oliver, or William will wake up at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows me to function the next day.
• My wife can’t sleep due to me not being able to sleep due to worrying about whether or not Maggie, Merritt, Oliver, or William will wake up at an ungodly hour, Coffee allows her to function the next day.
• I feel cranky because EVERYONE IS ALWAYS CRYING! Coffee helps me to be nice.
• My wife feels cranky because EVERYONE IS NEEDY ALL THE TIME! (especially her husband) Coffee helps her to be nice.

   Now the question that is probably on everyone’s mind is will we be letting Coffee into our bed? First of all, stop being pervy, second of all the answer is no. Obviously. We already spend about 30% of our waking hours dealing with laundry. Coffee is notorious for staining. This is not a sex thing, it’s about respect. We respect Coffee’s contribution to our lives, and we feel it is important to make an honest beverage out of Coffee.

L&P