Whack-A-Mole

When we first moved into our current location we saw that there was no small amount of work to be done. One of the many projects is the yard. Eventually we expect to use this space for gardens, fruit trees, flowers, a shaded patio for outdoor dining, and a time machine. For the time being, we'd be happy if it just looked nice.

I would like to prioritize the time machine so that I can fast forward to after all that work is done. It has been pointed out to me that not only is time travel not likely, but that if we are in the time machine then no one will do the work needed and none of those other things will ever get done.  Killjoys. 

Having a well maintained yard requires a lot of hard work, determination, not a small amount of money, a little bit of vanity, and most of all, the cooperation of mother nature.  So far we are 4 for 5. Our first attempt was last year, after doing research we learned that the best way to rehabilitate our front law was to kill it (it was more weeds than lawn),  rototiller it, replant it, water it, then watch the grass grow.

We killed it, we rototillered it (thank you Peter for the use of your tool), then we waiting for the weather to dip below 90 degrees for optimum planting temp. Then we waited, and we waited, and we waited, until school started again and work schedules made it impossible to take the time to replant. 

The result of this experiment was that we had a lovely lush lawn of dirt, dirt, and yet still more dirt.

Fast Forward to the beginning of this summer. Now we were armed with experience! We added new dirt (because we clearly needed more), and seeded, and watered, and lo and behold our efforts began produce fruit. By fruit I mean grass. Not enough grass yet. Basically our lawn now looks like a comb-over. Not just a comb-over but a comb-over on a weird and lumpy skull. That is thanks to our new nemesis. The Moles.

Hi

Sure they seem cute when they are helping Secret Squirrel but just you wait until you are trying to enjoy a nice leisurely stroll across your yard and find yourself sinking deep down into depths of the nether world! Well, that may be an exaggeration.  I'm not trying to make a mountain out of... well, you know, but they seriously uglify our yard and we've worked too hard to suffer their burrowing ways.  We have sought multiple solutions to remedy this scourge.

Solution 1: Poison! Put a few cap fulls of this nastiness underground and enjoy a unmolested yard! 

Result: No discernible difference.  Also, did you notice the pun with unMOLEested. It's ok if you didn't. I missed it at first too. If you caught it then well done.  

Solution 2: Put a garden hose down a hole and drown'em!

Result: A wet yard and new mole hills.

Solution 3: Attach a garden hose to the exhaust of your car and put it down a hole and smoke'n out!

Result: Minus $20ish on the device to connect the exhaust to the hose, no known moles have perished.

Apparently creatures that live a subterranean life style are used to low oxygen environments.

Solution 4: Smoke sticks, lite'm on fire, bury them, and poison em!

Result: A yard that smells like farts for a while. No known dead moles.

Solution 5: Traps, three different kinds. One that pinches, one that grabs and one that stabs!
Full disclosure, the lack of success may be due to my incompetence at setting them rather than the trap's inability to catch the moles. One of them did trigger, but if the only way to know if the trap did it's job is to dig a giant hole in the yard.

Result: Inconclusive

Solution 6: Random Chance and a shovel: No shit, this has been our most successful tactic.

Result 2 for 2.

Success story 1: I was listening to Visigoth with the children while doing dishes (if you enjoy metal I recommend them) when the other half of this blog entered the home quickly and frantically exclaiming that there was "something" on the porch.

I hustled out the front door to find the small demon scurrying back and forth attempting to escape my vengeance. At this point the children also attempted to join me in the front yard to see what all the hubbub was. I had picked up a piece of 2X4 to complete the task and was still holding it when I ordered our offspring back into the home. 

To the common passerby with mandatory reporter status, this would seem like a concerning situation as it appeared that I was threatening the kids with lumber.  

***Trigger Warning***

(I'm about to kill a mole)

With the children secure inside I ditched the short piece of wood and found a shovel. Prior to bringing it down upon my nemesis I shouted the words "Whack-A-Mole Mother fucker!!!

OK I didn't really but I prefer to remember it that way. It makes me feel like a bad ass for killing something that I outweigh by a double an order of magnitude. 

After the initial impact I made another effort just to be sure.  Then I flung the remains into the field near the house.

There were several calls by friends and family to stake the remains a la Vlad the Impaler. We believe that this solution is counter to our ultimate goal of a beautiful yard.

Success story 2. 

***Second Trigger Warning***

(another mole is about to die)

You would think that after one mole went topside and disappeared the rest of them would be the wiser for it. Such was not the case.

I did not experience this second shovel full of death first hand. I did get to hear it though. The other half of Levity and Perspective called while I was at my desk.  Maybe this second mole was on some kind of search and some rescue mission when my wife found it on our porch. If that is the case, the mission failed.

At first, the plan was to capture the beast and await my arrival at home to do the dirty work. This plan was flawed however as the creature known most for burrowing started to burrow. Shocking, we know.

Few things survived the ensuing violence, including the mole and the other half of this blog's bladder control. Once again, the weapon of choice was a shovel.

After the dirty work was done the witnesses, our children and niece were heard to say, "That's one dead mole." 

The carcass of the devil rodent remained in place until I arrived home and sent it into the field via shovelpult to meet it's cousin.

We understand that for many of you, pulling a 'Little Bunny Foo Foo" is not big deal and bopping things on the head may just be a regular ass Wednesday for you. For us this was a bit of culture shock. Delivering a rodent to its maker via digging tech is not something us city folk had acquired a taste for and we've yet to find a suitable palate cleanser.

At this time we continue the battle. There may be some readers that will recommend a more humane method of varmint disposal. To those individuals I invite you to our home and you are welcome to try.

If you'll excuse me, I have an exterminator to call.

Cheers,

L&P


***Edit***
It has been pointed out to me that moles are not rodents, they are insectivors.
Although to be fair, I also called them devil's and I have no evidence that they ever had or lost celestial status.
So there is that if you.

L&P