Babies are Expensive!!!

Yes, babies are spendy, I don't just mean just the feeding, clothing, and baby proofing.  I am referring to the fear based industry of baby safety products.  Cribs are the particular focus of my ire today.  When we found out we were pregnant with our current youngest, the wife was excited because some months earlier she had convinced me that we needed to keep the crib that had been collecting dust for a decade in the garage.
I suppose I should point out that "excited she won the crib discussion" was not her first reaction to discovering that we had a baby on the way.  That would make her a petty sociopath.  It was probably in the top 20 among the whirl wind of emotions though.  Moving on.

When I attempted to assemble the crib I found that several parts were missing.  This being the age of  "you can find anything online if you are willing to put in the time and effort" I did a quick google search and learned that our particular crib had been discontinued and the company responsible for said crib was no longer able to sell the supporting parts. Truth be told I could have continued to look and probably would have found the parts I needed.  But if I ever venture into the black market I would like to think it will be for something more exciting than crib parts.  A freeze ray perhaps, or maybe even the thigh bone of one of the Beatles.

Sweet sweet Hippo Bacon, someday you will be mine.

The reason that the crib had been discontinued was that it was found to be unsafe.  This surprised me due to the fact that most products have to go through some pretty extensive safety testing prior to hitting the market.  I imagine this to be even more crucial in baby centric products.  I would think these tests worthy of a CSI montage to demonstrate the passage of several weeks of different models of cribs in wind tunnels and having heavy weights dropped on them and maybe even some animal testing.  Nothing cruel mind you, maybe just fill it with bunnies, you know, for science.

Obviously I want any product that I'm going to lay my offspring in to be as safe as possible.  This is where they get you.  Parental fear is one of the most powerful forces in the universe.  It is a useful force as it kept our ancestors from decorating their children with meat necklaces.  While they were fashionable at the time; they also attracted sabretooth dingos like no bodies business.  The evolutionary advantage of parental fear is what causes us to spend top dollar for the best safety products for our kids.  The evolutionary disadvantage of parental fear is that it also causes us to spend top dollar on things that are trendy so our kids don't get turned into social outcasts.

No matter how ugly

 Back to my original point.  The crib was a lost cause, apparently it was made by someone who obviously hated babies and probably greased some palms to get it pushed through safety tests.  I imagine that previous crib models were recalled due to being burlap sacks filled with rusty nails, wicker baskets packed with cobras, or just a balance beam that the baby was placed on over a wading pool filled with scorpions.

It helps the baby with balance.

So we had to buy a new crib.  Being thrifty and on a budget we did save the old mattress.  The 51 inch mattress.  Which it would turn out, does not fit new cribs as they require a 52 inch mattress.  Now the following may invite judgement but to you I say bring it on.  We just used the mattress and crammed the gap with pillows.  You know what happened?  Not a damn thing.  Yes, there was a small chance that she could have got an arm wedged in it, she didn't.  Of course we did tilt the odds in our favor by using the crib primarily for clean laundry storage, (what you put your clean laundry in your dresser right away? Weirdo!).


So again, we must pump more money into the fear based baby safety industry in order to ensure that our kiddo does not smother herself in her sleep.  For one more inch of mattress.  Dammit.

I know I'm just frustrated about having to spend money and on a logical level I understand that the rules evolve that govern such things as cribs.  As more information is gathered about what is safest I want changes to be made and I certainly do not want to advocate for unsafe equipment to be used by babies.  But supposedly the son of god was born in a barn and he seemed to do pretty alright. Right?


L&P