Adventures in You Can't Make This Shit Up Vol. 1

   Our youngest has broken her wrist after her first attempt at flight.
  I say that this was her first attempt at flight because I am assuming that she was following the instructions of one of my favorite writers Douglas Adams, who stated that in order to slip the surly bonds of earth one simply must throw themselves at the ground and miss.  True, at 1 year of age, she has yet to read Douglas Adams, but I feel that she has picked up on some of his wisdom just by the books being in my house.
  Being that my offspring is a 3rd generation archery expert (well she will be as soon as she is old enough for me to impose my will on her) missing just isn't in her genetics.

We are not impressed

   Unfortunately as a result of her expert aim my 1 year old was forced to break her fall with her sternum, face, and arms.  She did so with a 75% success rate so honestly I'm pretty proud.

   It is frequently said that babies bones do not break but bend.  This is frequently said by co-workers and friends that are attempting to keep you from totally losing your shit after your child belly flops off of the bed and cries for four hours.  These friends and co-workers, it should be noted, are not medical professionals but are dispensing advice fueled by optimism and statistics.  As you continue to visit this page you will learn that statistics have not been our friend.  Statistics have treated our family that way that I would imagine a pretty but insecure girl treats average looking or fat girls.  I wouldn't know, I'm god damned eye candy.  But I've got a good imagination.
  After a dozen or so nosedives off of the bed my child has thus far, been fine.  After the initial impact we typically scoop her up and after two or three minutes of back patting and "there there's" she recovers very nicely.  Last night we were not so lucky.

  In the last blog I discussed how difficult it is to get anything done when you are the proud owner of a 1 year old.  You would think that the silver lining to the broken wrist cloud would be that she was slowed down and contained.  You simple, simple, simpleton.

     It would appear that my child is fueled by pain the way that Superman is fueled by Earth's yellow Sun.  Also known as, The Sun.  Not only is she more powerful than ever, she has developed a contempt for any objects within her reach NOT being on the ground. 

    Think that your phone, wallet, or important paperwork is safe on the desktop?  Well you are full of dumb.  Her royal Gimpness just doesn't have time for that kind of crap.  It wouldn't bother me so much if she didn't wait until I made eye contact with her prior to her tossing whatever has caught her eye to the ground.

As I write this, it occurs to me that perhaps she is trying to appease the god of gravity by offering sacrificial items.

  "Oh Great and Powerful Newtonious! In order to avoid your terrible wrath I offer you this pocket calculator, a scratched Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs DVD, and bad picture of my mother at a wedding!"

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

   As I typed that last sentence she slipped out of my arms and onto the floor again!  She does not appear any more broken than she was before.  This leads me to two possible conclusions; either Newtonious, the god of gravity that I just invented, is not pleased with my child's offerings and does not enjoy being mocked in blog form, or I should do less multitasking.
  I am going to toss a few items on the floor just to be on the safe side.  I'm sure my wife will understand why the house is a mess once I explain to her that I did it to appease a figment of my imagination.

Newtonious be praised

 It appears that I should be paying more attention to my child.  Prior to signing off I will leave you with the following recommendations to improve society and make it more child friendly.

1. No more Baby vs.Grizzly fight clubs
2. Equal rights for elves.
3. Enough with the laugh track network television.
4. You know that experiment that they did on Wolverine, how about doing that for real science?
5. More running through open meadows, it just feels good.

L&P