No not racism or sexism. I have done nothing to offend the gays or those who have religious differences than myself.
Nor have I belittled another of differing age or physical ability than myself.
I, dear reader, have offended a minority that is oft overlooked. A group of individuals that, even in the warm embrace of today's climate of tolerance has yet to find general acceptance.
For you see, I dear reader, made the mistake of assuming that two ugly people were a couple.
No I did not yell rude remarks their way. Nor did I refuse them entry to a public school, ask that they register with the government, turn a fire hose upon them, or violate their civil rights in any way.
I simply laid eyes upon them both, sized up their awkward appearance, and made the leap that these two were somehow romantically involved.
Lets go back a few weeks to when this humbling experience took place.
I was at the grocery store purchasing, probably milk and eggs. I don't really remember but I like to be as accurate as possible and since it seems that I buy milk and eggs pretty much every time I go to the store I'm depending on the law of averages to pan out here. Also probably bread and laundry detergent. I do a lot of laundry.
As I stared blankly into the yogurt some motion caught my eye, I looked up hoping against hope that the person approaching me was Bob Barker. I'm aware that he lives no where near me and he most likely doesn't do his own shopping. I mean would you if you were Bob Barker? He probably has an army of animal activists that do that shit for him. He also probably has a few body guards to protect him against disgruntled dogs and cats that are pissed about their missing genitalia.
Anyways, I glanced over and standing near me were two oddly assembled individuals. Not circus freak weird looking. But just... off.
The male of this duo was skinny. Not crack skinny. But just slight enough that upon looking at him my first thought was, "I could grab him by the shoulders and press them together until his nipples touched in the middle." He was dressed well enough too. Just so thin that I imagined future archeologists attempting to make a case for him being some type of human bird cross breeding due to his hollow bones.
The female of this pairing was not instantly alarming to look upon. Until her gaze shifted my way and I saw that her eyes were very far apart. Far apart enough that I judge that I could fit my fist between them and nary an eyelash touch. Did you see Rango? She looked like the girl lizard in Rango.
"Good for them!" I thought. "Two aesthetic misfits in this crazy mixed up world beat the odds that evolution had stacked against them by finding another of their sub-race of humans and have found love!"
This gave me warm fuzzies.
Then, upon using the self check out I noticed that they were not checking out together. I prefer the self check out since I use my other half's card frequently and I don't want some dickhead giving me the stink eye because her name is not unisex and I am very manly. I understand the need to protect against identity theft and just plain regular theft. But I'm always worried that I'm going to get the checker that thinks he's going to clean up this Fred Meyer one card theft at a time by denying my use of my significant others funds. It's not like he's going to arrest me, he's just going to force me to pay $2.00 at the ATM to pull out a twenty spot and go back through his line again. Congratulations Serpico, you cost me five minutes and two bucks. News flash, "Your are not part of the solution!" But you upheld a useless and benign company policy so good for you! I also make it a point to go back through his line so he knows that all he did was inconvenience me.
I suppose I should also mention that this scenario has played itself out several dozen times, in my mind, no where else. But I have worked it out thoroughly enough that I am certain of it's accuracy.
So they are not paying together, no big deal I suppose. Maybe they have not moved in together yet, they are in the honey moon phase of their unsightly romance. Maybe she only has a drawer in his dresser next to his petite tidy whites.
But what's this? As we wander out to the parking lot I notice that these two don't walk with their hands in each others back pockets, hold hands, or even walk together. I began to realize that these two don't even seem to know each other. Just two misshapen ships passing in the night.
Now that I think about it, these two missed out on a golden opportunity. When her goofy gaze fell across his slight build a choir of angles should have sang to both of their hearts. She should have fluffed her plumage and he should have performed a mating dance, or whatever it is that unattractive people do to impress each other. I wouldn't know, I'm goddamn beautiful.
These two owe me an apology. I could have witnessed a rare scientific occurrence, the mating ritual of the survival of the least fit. They owe me and Charles Darwin an apology. Fuck those guys.
So while I close this paper with a retraction of my previous apology, I would like to issue a few more. I apologize to the nation of Chad for my lack of interest in anything about your culture. I apologize to my first live in girlfriend for not properly illustrating how to clean a cat box. I apologize to my parents for lying about whether or not I had homework. Finally I apologize to Iron Man, he knows why.
L&P
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