Game of Thrones

One of the most amazing things about parenthood is watching your children reach milestones. We cherish the memories of those first words, first steps, first lost tooth, first day of school, and first Monty Python quote. Some of these milestones are less fun; first heart break, first broken bone, first time they are denied C-list celebrity status during a rose ceremony.  Full disclosure, we're not certain how the Bachelor works. Do you become famousish in exchange for your dignity? Don't answer that.

Most of these milestones happen whether we want them to or not. The milestones that depend on our judgement are trickier. I'm speaking of course of the first time you send your child into a public restroom by themselves.

Hi

There are many possible dangers on a child's first solo flight; creeps, weirdos, orcs, and the scariest of all... user error. I remember one horror story of a little boy who returned to his mother after his first time going to the loo a la carte.  He could not wait to tell his mother about the "really cool sinks they have in there!"

Pictured Above...Not a Sink

 The mother of the above mentioned child rushed him into the ladies room as quickly as possible to give his hands a thorough washing.

My first attempt was not more successful. I won't mention where we were located as I fear judgement about dietary choices.  Lets just say that a play area and golden arches were involved. I was outnumbered that day. I mean, we are always out numbered but one half of us was grocery shopping while the other half kept an eye on 4/5ths of our offspring (the last 1/5th is in college and has long since mastered the art of unaccompanied toilet use). So it was 4 to 1. In case you needed help with the math.

The boys demanded use of the facilities with all the grace and subtlety one would expect from two 5 years old with a full bladders. We had only just arrived and I had not yet settled the ladies. In a moment that would soon prove the saying regarding hindsight being 20/20, I sent the lads forward and told them I'd be right there.

In the few moments the boys were alone disaster struck. I will leave which one did this out of the text here so as to not ruin any future presidential bids. To his credit, he was sitting in a toilet; just not one designed for the function he was using it for.

Pictured Above...Not For Poop

The boy had already completed the transaction by the time I'd arrived. Being the responsible individual I am, the manager was informed ASAP.  He was very gracious considering my youngling had besmirched his latrine.

After this experience it was determined that the boys would be supervised during visits to the water closet for the time being. Unfortunately, I am still typically outnumbered 2 to 1. This combined with how excited the boys are to be getting taller means that on a few occasions, the lads have misjudged the height of their equipment as it relates to height of the lip of the urinal.
 
I assume that these miscalculations are common place and due to this I will never understand how every 5 year old boy does not have chlamydia.

After multiple occurrences I have began to take advantage of a little thing called male privilege. Or in other words, allowing the boys to pee in parking lots.  We won't be able to get away with this for much longer as the lads are starting kindergarten soon.  They are going to have to get used to fact that the world is not their toilet.  It was a goodish strategy while it lasted.

Cheers

L&Pee


 

Reboot To The Head

Recently our Little's have been discovering some of the things that I delighted in when I was a kid. Many of these ideas have been revamped, re-imagined, and updated to appeal to a new generation. Among these is Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Scooby Doo, Voltron, She-Ra (coming soon), Ducktales and many others. As I'm viewing these with the kids I'm seeing them through the eyes of a parent, not the target audience. It's an interesting experience and it's led me to what may be considered a controversial opinion. Master Splinter was a shitty father.

Garbage

But he taught him them to fight evil and become heroes! 

Maybe,  but that isn't all he did.  Consider the following. 

•  He raised them in a sewer. 

They are in New York City. I know that social services are tricky to navigate but an abandoned warehouse, a shelter, a car, an abandoned subway car, any of those would likely be a better environment for raising a family than where poop lives. I suppose you could make an argument that Splinter was trying to keep them from being ostracized do to looking different. But if that is the case what you are really saying is that the every kid that wasn't aesthetically awe inspiring was braver than the heroes on the half shell. 

•  He prioritized violence over socialization.

Splinter's children were kept under lock and key until they were teenagers. If you heard of anyone else doing this you would demand that child services intervene. They had no way of making friends outside of their little cult and the only social modeling demonstrated for them was on television.  They don't know how to make friends or navigate complex social interactions. They do know how to kick someone's molars into their stomach though.

• No female role models.

Splinter is clearly an incel. I'm sure that being a rat-person makes it hard to meet that special someone. That doesn't mean that his boys shouldn't have some exposure to women folk that isn't filtered through cable TV. Not only are they being raised to expect an unrealistic beauty standard, but also unrealistic relationship standards. 

• He didn't vaccinate his children.

I'm making an assumption here. I suppose "Splinter takes the boys in for a well child check" wouldn't make an exciting episode.  However since he doesn't seem to take advantage of any other social services, I think it's safe to say that they aren't contributing to herd immunity.

• Poor nutrition.

Pizza has protein, veggies, whole grains, and occasional fruit (pineapple is great, don't @ me). All the basics are there. But not for EVERY meal. Eat the rainbow kids.

• Weird boundaries

He made them call him Master. He didn't go with dad, pops, father, uncle, or any other endearing nickname. He went with Master. What is the opposite of master? Slave isn't it?  Talk about toxic masculinity. Also he never wore pants.

Now I understand that Splinter wasn't exactly given the proper tools for raising well adjusted individuals; he's a rat, a mutant, has a trauma history, and I'm not sure about what kind of parenting was modeled for him.  I also know that it's not exactly proper to shame other parents.  We are all going through struggles and he was a single father of four. So maybe I should cut him a little slack.

The more I watch these kids' shows the more I'm struck by how many problems are solved with what I call, "punch based interventions".  In other words, two characters have a disagreement, rather than talking things out, fists fly and before long a victor is declared. Might makes right in these instances nearly every time. 

My concern is, while entertaining, this is poor preparation for conflict resolution later in life.  I'm not saying that there shouldn't be violence on TV. Considering the amount of pro wrestling I watched as a kid, it would be pretty hypocritical of me to do so. Watching that much WWF did give me an unrealistic expectation for how often in life I would solve a dispute with a short arm clothesline followed by a DDT. (If you can name the wrestler I'm thinking of post it in the comments and give yourself 10 L&P points!)

 I enjoy a good fight scene as much as the next guy.  However some variation problem solving would be a good idea. A few years back I saw this little bit of wonderful. 

Wasn't that nice? 

It was wasn't it?

Very nice.

Leonardo should still be trashing the Foot Clan members with his dual katanas. I dig that, it's exciting. But maybe every so often Splinter can encourage Michelangelo to learn some collaborative problem solving skills along with his sewer surfing (yuck). 

Maybe if the Ninja Turtles talked to some of the Foot Clan members instead of their default reaction being nunchucks of doom, there would be less Foot Clan members and more contributing members of society.

In conclusion, Master Splinter sucks, the Flash is awesome, and vaccinate your kids.

Cheers

L&P