Covert Evil

The first post on this blog was about my hatred of peanuts in peanut butter cookies.  If you have not yet read it I'll give you a few minutes to click around...

There, now as you are now aware, I am THE authority on all things cookie.
Today the weight of this responsibility weighs heavy as I will now discuss another snack related topic.  
I speak of the horrid happening of raisins masquerading as chocolate chips in muffins, cookies, scones, and other snack type things.

Would you care for a mouthful of disappointment?

 First and foremost, no one likes raisins in things.  A la cart, or in trail mix, raisins are barely passable, which is to say that eating them is preferable to starvation.
If someone tells you that they like raisins they are lying or living with oppositional defiance disorder or depression.  In other words, they are being contrarian because they were abused as a child or do not believe that they deserve good things in life

A grape may be thought of as any high school graduate; full of potential and life and dreams, and excited about what tomorrow may bring.  The raisin is that same graduate fifteen years later with an amphetamines problem working as a bagger at Winco.

Raisins being a terrible excuse for food can be traced back to biblical times.  I mean the word sin is right in the name.  For generations scientists and philosophers have debated as to whether evolution or a higher power is responsible for the mouth crime that is Raisins.  The Hopi Indians had a legend that the grape had bested the Sun at Mario Kart, and was thus punished.

 
Yeah it may be a bit sweet, but it's the wrong kind of sweet, like the little kids in the video for Black Hole Sun. 

Creepy

Not only are they the wrong kind of sweet, but they are small and dark and, due to my general optimistic nature, when I see something small and dark embedded in a treat, I expect it to be a chocolate chip.  Much in the same way that when someone hands me a glass filled with a clear liquid I expect it to be water, or vodka, not hydrogen peroxide.

More evidence of the guile present in raisins is their wholesale attempt at gaining mainstream acceptance by attempting to leech off of the innate coolness of African American culture.

This is basically fruit in black face.

Allow me to take this time to remind you that if you find yourself disagreeing with me then you may take comfort in the fact that you are incorrect as I am THE cookie authority.  Yes, they may be frequently found in the company of oatmeal.  I have warned oatmeal several times that people WILL judge you by the company you keep.  I feel that in this way oatmeal is like a misinformed Luke Skywalker.  Oatmeal senses that there was once good in the raisin.  But unlike Vader, all the righteousness and virtue has been baked out of the snack formerly known as tasty.

I have my own theory. Raisins may suck due to their origin.  A grape is plump, juicy, and sweet.  Wine is a classy way to get drunk.  If you take all the fun out of a grape by sucking out it's nectar and robbing it of the ability to get you tipsy, then you are left with a husk of all of it's awesome potential.  A raisin reminds us on a psychological level of what may have been.  You are not just tasting the raisin, but also the dream of you playing center field for the Red Sox, or your band hitting it big, or that attractive person that you were going to ask out and never did.  You are tasting your failure.

L&P